DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN THOUGH IT PROBABLY SHOULD BE!
Hi, I'm Your Modest Guru and today I'm here to tell you of a tragic occurance that has protruded from the cast of films in recent years. Kristin Stewart. This is in no way an attack on Stewart's acting ability. She is talented. Her problem is not acting related, but casting related. It happens to many actors, it is called typecasting. Kristen Stewart's type happens to unfortunately be that of the depressed, introspective girl. It is annoying quite frankly. You will find in films such as Adventureland, Twilight, In the Land of Women, and The Messangers.
Signs of this typecasting can be found in a Kristen Stewart role if she shows signs of silence, distance, perpetual confusion, and an otherwise anti-social personality. Though her emotionally strung character role may have worked in In the Land of Women, it comes off as repetitive and lame in the long run. If she is to be redeemed in the audience's eyes simply watch films of hers where she is given more depth. These inlcude Into the Wild, Panic Room, and Zathura. She is still a good actress and we must have hope that she will go places in the future. Her latest film that will be coming out is called The Runaways, a biopic of the all girl band where Stewart herself will be portraying the famous Joan Jett. Things are looking up in the Bella Casting situation.
Now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you.
Showing posts with label Modest PSA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Modest PSA. Show all posts
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Modest PSA # 4: Southland Tales
DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR...
You know what, fuck it. I'm sorry, I can't get into the Modest PSA zone. I can't get into character. This movie pisses me off so much. It would just be stupid for me to say it is not meant to be taken seriously. It's totally meant to be taken seriously. Here we go. Southland Tales.
For those of you fortunate enough not to know, Southland Tales is the second film by director Richard Kelly, the creator of one of my favorite films Donnie Darko. Now Donnie Darko is a sweet movie. I don't mean cute and cuddly sweet, but BADASS sweet. It's a damn cult classic and belongs in my library of films new and old. When I heard the whiz kid filmmaker who created that monster was going to be making another film. A film made with bigger actors and on a wider scale of epicness so it was told. A film that mixed together political and religious satire with some existential thoughts and threw at the audience in a web of comedic cinema. Well needless to say I was pumped and excited. Then I saw it.
I was disappointed at first. I wasn't angry like I am now and forever will be, but I was let down. Where to begin: everyone involved with the film should forever be embarrassed. It's a stain on everyone's reputation and the beginning of The Rock's downward slope in movies and he was doing so damn good. He isn't The Rock anymore. He's Dwayne Johnson starring in bad Disney movies. You'd think a movie with an ensemble cast: (featuring just about every modern or former SNL castmember, Sean William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kevin Smith, Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake, Holmes Osbourne, that psychic chick from Poltergeist, Mr. Inconceivable from Princess Bride, Bai Ling, and the bad guy from Richie Rich...Okay fine there aren't that many famous people in this movie!!! Or at least no one to write to home about). Let's just say no actor is good in this movie, besides Holmes Osbourne (because his character is just as confused as the audience), and leave at that. The story is just all over place, doesn't make any sense, especially when handing out explanations. There's something about time travel, and then the story bears a striking resemblence to a script The Rock and Gellar wrote, subplot after subplot all of which go nowhere, some kind of Apocalypse happening at the same time of a revolution, all to the tone of really cliche post 9/11 bullshit or some new American disaster. Makes no fuckin sense. I guess if you want to look at production value like the sets and special effects I suppose this could be pretty good but you just don't care as story and performance are what mainly hold any movie up at all. Richard Kelly, who showed a lot promise in his ability to direct actors in his previous film, cannot direct a single one in Southland Tales. It leads me to think, as I've said in my Netflix review of the film, that Kelly must have been shot in the head to make a movie this devoid of reason or logic or emotion when his last film had a wealth of all three.
To make matters worse, Southland Tales has a cult following. It's like those really bad movies that people somehow just can't help but respond to. It's like how Napoleon Dynamite is to me and other people.
Everything that could be wrong with a movie is here. Southland Tales is just something a filmmaker who shows as much skill as Richard Kelly cannot live down. You can make any Richard Matheson adaptation you want but it won't make me forget. Southland Tales, what a horrible movie. Even if you manage to figure out what it all really means in the end, it'll just make even less sense. Don't even look at this movie's cover. Watching it may cause you to cover your ears and rock in a corner for several hours, have delayed schizophrenic outbursts, or random self mutilations. Or maybe it'll just leave a bad taste of your mouth and make you beg for the two and half hours of your life you spent watching it. You don't watch a movie like Southland Tales, you survive it.
So now you and knowing is half the battle. And Your Modest Guru recommends you take care of the rest. Thanks for reading. Jesus...
You know what, fuck it. I'm sorry, I can't get into the Modest PSA zone. I can't get into character. This movie pisses me off so much. It would just be stupid for me to say it is not meant to be taken seriously. It's totally meant to be taken seriously. Here we go. Southland Tales.
For those of you fortunate enough not to know, Southland Tales is the second film by director Richard Kelly, the creator of one of my favorite films Donnie Darko. Now Donnie Darko is a sweet movie. I don't mean cute and cuddly sweet, but BADASS sweet. It's a damn cult classic and belongs in my library of films new and old. When I heard the whiz kid filmmaker who created that monster was going to be making another film. A film made with bigger actors and on a wider scale of epicness so it was told. A film that mixed together political and religious satire with some existential thoughts and threw at the audience in a web of comedic cinema. Well needless to say I was pumped and excited. Then I saw it.
I was disappointed at first. I wasn't angry like I am now and forever will be, but I was let down. Where to begin: everyone involved with the film should forever be embarrassed. It's a stain on everyone's reputation and the beginning of The Rock's downward slope in movies and he was doing so damn good. He isn't The Rock anymore. He's Dwayne Johnson starring in bad Disney movies. You'd think a movie with an ensemble cast: (featuring just about every modern or former SNL castmember, Sean William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kevin Smith, Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake, Holmes Osbourne, that psychic chick from Poltergeist, Mr. Inconceivable from Princess Bride, Bai Ling, and the bad guy from Richie Rich...Okay fine there aren't that many famous people in this movie!!! Or at least no one to write to home about). Let's just say no actor is good in this movie, besides Holmes Osbourne (because his character is just as confused as the audience), and leave at that. The story is just all over place, doesn't make any sense, especially when handing out explanations. There's something about time travel, and then the story bears a striking resemblence to a script The Rock and Gellar wrote, subplot after subplot all of which go nowhere, some kind of Apocalypse happening at the same time of a revolution, all to the tone of really cliche post 9/11 bullshit or some new American disaster. Makes no fuckin sense. I guess if you want to look at production value like the sets and special effects I suppose this could be pretty good but you just don't care as story and performance are what mainly hold any movie up at all. Richard Kelly, who showed a lot promise in his ability to direct actors in his previous film, cannot direct a single one in Southland Tales. It leads me to think, as I've said in my Netflix review of the film, that Kelly must have been shot in the head to make a movie this devoid of reason or logic or emotion when his last film had a wealth of all three.
To make matters worse, Southland Tales has a cult following. It's like those really bad movies that people somehow just can't help but respond to. It's like how Napoleon Dynamite is to me and other people.
Everything that could be wrong with a movie is here. Southland Tales is just something a filmmaker who shows as much skill as Richard Kelly cannot live down. You can make any Richard Matheson adaptation you want but it won't make me forget. Southland Tales, what a horrible movie. Even if you manage to figure out what it all really means in the end, it'll just make even less sense. Don't even look at this movie's cover. Watching it may cause you to cover your ears and rock in a corner for several hours, have delayed schizophrenic outbursts, or random self mutilations. Or maybe it'll just leave a bad taste of your mouth and make you beg for the two and half hours of your life you spent watching it. You don't watch a movie like Southland Tales, you survive it.
So now you and knowing is half the battle. And Your Modest Guru recommends you take care of the rest. Thanks for reading. Jesus...
Friday, October 23, 2009
Modest PSA # 3: Sawophrenia
DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN THOUGH IT PROBABLY SHOULD BE.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I've come today to talk about a trend of filmmaking that is destroying the profitable business world of Hollywood. The Saw film franchise will simply not die, this is becoming apparent with the recent release of the sixth installment in the series and preparations being made for seven and eight. Though the torture experts involved with making the films have said that the series will conclude with the eighth chapter, mankind still lives in fear that another redundant movie might just rise from the ashes and rob the jacked up retards, splat pack junkies, and Alzhiemers victims who keep coming to the new Saw films knowing that they will be getting almost the exact same experience. Elaborate traps that do nothing but mindlessly mutilate, a plot that grows more tedious and intricate, and even good acting by Tobin Bell becomes more and more hard to stand as time goes on and money is wasted in developing these films and buying the tickets to see them.
If you're looking for relief, talk to your Doctor or local movie critic about Saw and other forms of torture porn. Known cures have been found in viewings of films like A Clockwork Orange and Rosemary's Baby. If you're going to desensitized to violence, shouldn't the violence at least be good? Whose to say? But there is one thing we know for certain: what we don't need is more Saw films. Indeed we don't. Less we wish to see the end a promising new generation of non cutters.
And now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I've come today to talk about a trend of filmmaking that is destroying the profitable business world of Hollywood. The Saw film franchise will simply not die, this is becoming apparent with the recent release of the sixth installment in the series and preparations being made for seven and eight. Though the torture experts involved with making the films have said that the series will conclude with the eighth chapter, mankind still lives in fear that another redundant movie might just rise from the ashes and rob the jacked up retards, splat pack junkies, and Alzhiemers victims who keep coming to the new Saw films knowing that they will be getting almost the exact same experience. Elaborate traps that do nothing but mindlessly mutilate, a plot that grows more tedious and intricate, and even good acting by Tobin Bell becomes more and more hard to stand as time goes on and money is wasted in developing these films and buying the tickets to see them.
If you're looking for relief, talk to your Doctor or local movie critic about Saw and other forms of torture porn. Known cures have been found in viewings of films like A Clockwork Orange and Rosemary's Baby. If you're going to desensitized to violence, shouldn't the violence at least be good? Whose to say? But there is one thing we know for certain: what we don't need is more Saw films. Indeed we don't. Less we wish to see the end a promising new generation of non cutters.
And now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Modest PSAs #3: Birther Affliction
DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN THOUGH IT PROBABLY SHOULD BE.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I've decided to talk about a mass delusion that has plagued many people in America and, even some from foreign lands. It's called The Birther Affliction. Now I would reassure those among my readers who are birthers that this is not meant to be offensive, but I honestly don't think anyone open minded enough to read my blog would be a birther.
The Birthers are people suffering from a most uncommon misconception that Barack Obama is not American born. They are convinced that he is in fact Kenyan. Also, after these claims are quickly disproven, the victims of BA often consider Barack Obama's native home of Hawaii not to be part of these United States. Should this phase occur, a brief study of geographical history is the best recommendation I can give you. Even though it seems like mentally challenged sheeple trying to slander our country's hightest power, it is in reality a massive form of paranoid schizophrenia caused by lack of faith in one's government, conflicting feelings over race and superiority, or the more effective and most deadly of causes: long exposure to Fox News.
If you suffer from any of these feelings, talk to your doctor, no talk to your psychiatrist now about your problems with the Birther Affliction. Many well known prescribtions have been established, such as excessive amounts of retalin and valium so as not to bombard congressmen with forged birth certificates you had no possible way of obtaining or accepting the fact that the Liberal party won after almost a decade of conservative bullshit. I think we can all be happy about that. Except you because you are insane. Live long and prosper.
So now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I've decided to talk about a mass delusion that has plagued many people in America and, even some from foreign lands. It's called The Birther Affliction. Now I would reassure those among my readers who are birthers that this is not meant to be offensive, but I honestly don't think anyone open minded enough to read my blog would be a birther.
The Birthers are people suffering from a most uncommon misconception that Barack Obama is not American born. They are convinced that he is in fact Kenyan. Also, after these claims are quickly disproven, the victims of BA often consider Barack Obama's native home of Hawaii not to be part of these United States. Should this phase occur, a brief study of geographical history is the best recommendation I can give you. Even though it seems like mentally challenged sheeple trying to slander our country's hightest power, it is in reality a massive form of paranoid schizophrenia caused by lack of faith in one's government, conflicting feelings over race and superiority, or the more effective and most deadly of causes: long exposure to Fox News.
If you suffer from any of these feelings, talk to your doctor, no talk to your psychiatrist now about your problems with the Birther Affliction. Many well known prescribtions have been established, such as excessive amounts of retalin and valium so as not to bombard congressmen with forged birth certificates you had no possible way of obtaining or accepting the fact that the Liberal party won after almost a decade of conservative bullshit. I think we can all be happy about that. Except you because you are insane. Live long and prosper.
So now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Modest PSA # 2: Chucknorrillyis
DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN THOUGH IT PROBABLY SHOULD BE
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I'm here to inform you good people about one of America's largest and, unfortunately, least known viruses. It has many titles, indeed many titles, but a common one is Chuck Norris. A common misconception is that Chuck Norris is an action star, not a very entertaining one, but an action star nonetheless. You may also think that he is a sort symbol of supreme masculinity and conservative values. If these are things you believe to be true, than you have more than likely succumbed to the Plague of Norris.
In these dark times of economic and social turmoil it is understandable how some could fall victim to Chuck Norris' false image. A long time ago it was only people who lived in the most backward and socially obscene locations that would be infected. But now the infection has spread. Common side effects would include an undying devotion to Chuck Norris movies, lore and reputation, a belief that country folk are true American warriors, and a desire for muscle structures bathed in red hair. And by some tragic twist, the infected develop a preternatural need for quad bikes, country music, and family farms. This virus commonly infects children aged 5 to 18. The virus is as of now universally uncurable.
So do yourself a favor, avoid Chuck Norris fandom and dissuade others from doing so as well. Be warned, others who have become infected may froth at the mouth and try kill and, even worse, infect you. But if you save them they will spend the rest of their lives thanking you. Stay clear of Chuck Norris. For information talk to your doctor or local legitimate film critic about the walking talking and action movie raping virus that is Chuck Norris.
So now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I'm here to inform you good people about one of America's largest and, unfortunately, least known viruses. It has many titles, indeed many titles, but a common one is Chuck Norris. A common misconception is that Chuck Norris is an action star, not a very entertaining one, but an action star nonetheless. You may also think that he is a sort symbol of supreme masculinity and conservative values. If these are things you believe to be true, than you have more than likely succumbed to the Plague of Norris.
In these dark times of economic and social turmoil it is understandable how some could fall victim to Chuck Norris' false image. A long time ago it was only people who lived in the most backward and socially obscene locations that would be infected. But now the infection has spread. Common side effects would include an undying devotion to Chuck Norris movies, lore and reputation, a belief that country folk are true American warriors, and a desire for muscle structures bathed in red hair. And by some tragic twist, the infected develop a preternatural need for quad bikes, country music, and family farms. This virus commonly infects children aged 5 to 18. The virus is as of now universally uncurable.
So do yourself a favor, avoid Chuck Norris fandom and dissuade others from doing so as well. Be warned, others who have become infected may froth at the mouth and try kill and, even worse, infect you. But if you save them they will spend the rest of their lives thanking you. Stay clear of Chuck Norris. For information talk to your doctor or local legitimate film critic about the walking talking and action movie raping virus that is Chuck Norris.
So now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Modest PSA #1: Jonasyndrome
DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN THOUGH IT PROBABLY SHOULD BE.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I'm here to inform you good people about a terrible affliction that is plaguing the minds of adolescents more and more every day. It's called The Jonas Brothers. True, you may think nothing of it at first and I can't blame you, you're a parent who thinks "well it's just another boy band fascination. I went through it and now so is my child. No harm done." This is false.
Every week a young girl between the ages of 5 to 15 begins listening to The Jonas Brothers music. As a result, the one listening to the music will lose seventy percent of their IQ and spiral down into a maelstrom of delirium in which they believe they must keep listening and insisting on The Jonas Brothers sheer godlike prowess and that their boyish good looks are not merely hallucinations. Other symptoms may be increased religious services and a chronic need for a abstinant penis.
Now, as I've said, I know parents will not think anything of The Jonas Brothers but it must be understood that these Disney endorsed teen icons are in fact murdering the minds of your girls. So do them a favor and dispose of their Jonas Brothers merchandise and let them listen to the honestly good musicians such as Foreigner or Duran Duran or the multi talented MC Hammer. They will scream and cry and cut themselves and tie pillows to thier ears but sixty years from now they will thank you for it. Remember parents, letting your children listen to The Jonas Brothers' music is like never letting them hear music for their entire lives...And it causes dementia.
So now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I'm here to inform you good people about a terrible affliction that is plaguing the minds of adolescents more and more every day. It's called The Jonas Brothers. True, you may think nothing of it at first and I can't blame you, you're a parent who thinks "well it's just another boy band fascination. I went through it and now so is my child. No harm done." This is false.
Every week a young girl between the ages of 5 to 15 begins listening to The Jonas Brothers music. As a result, the one listening to the music will lose seventy percent of their IQ and spiral down into a maelstrom of delirium in which they believe they must keep listening and insisting on The Jonas Brothers sheer godlike prowess and that their boyish good looks are not merely hallucinations. Other symptoms may be increased religious services and a chronic need for a abstinant penis.
Now, as I've said, I know parents will not think anything of The Jonas Brothers but it must be understood that these Disney endorsed teen icons are in fact murdering the minds of your girls. So do them a favor and dispose of their Jonas Brothers merchandise and let them listen to the honestly good musicians such as Foreigner or Duran Duran or the multi talented MC Hammer. They will scream and cry and cut themselves and tie pillows to thier ears but sixty years from now they will thank you for it. Remember parents, letting your children listen to The Jonas Brothers' music is like never letting them hear music for their entire lives...And it causes dementia.
So now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)