Twilight Movie Review

"When you can live forever, what do you live for?" - Tagline

Alright, my expectations on Twilight are considerably low. Various fans have divulged in detail the entire series to me. The movie adaptations have been panned by nearly every critic I admire. Numerous people I entrust news from have said that it is basically nothing but prissy shirtless guys trying to sound deep all trying to get in the pants or throat of one superdramatic girl who can't even bare to think of a world of normalcy or, for lack of a better word, calm. But who the hell was I to pass judgement on an acclaimed young adult fantasy series that I haven't read or seen; I won't make the same mistake I made with Harry Potter. As I've said in my previous Twilight article, I've been intrigued by Twilight since I judged it by it's awesome cover. So, being that I am not finished with The Dark Tower series (read that readers) and the Twitards have ruined the series anyway, I decided to watch Twilight: The Movie.

Twilight of course gained popularity in the early 2000s when it was first published by first time author Stephanie Meyer and as everyone knows it is a vampire romance set in the bleak state of Washington. It is adapted by filmmaker Catherine Hardwicke, who has made many popular movies that I want to see but never have (Thirteen, The Nativity Story, Lords of Dogtown), and the movie stars Kristen Stewart as our creepy loner protagonist Bella Swan and Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen. Those of you lucky enough not to know, Edward has a secret that is built up in the movie but nevertheless displayed on every piece of promotional material for the film: he's a vampire. An aloof, beautiful, sparkling, yes sparkling, vampire. This just so happens to be Bella's fetish. Well he tries to avoid her at first, but he just can't resist because he lusts for her blood like he hasn't lusted before. Another turn on for Bella.

The first part of the movie is kind of funny, watching all of the kindness that I've never seen shown to a new kid released onto Bella within her first fifteen seconds of being the new kid at Forks high school and what does she do? She gets annoyed of course. Come to think of it, I'm exactly like that; we should hook up. Oh but that wouldn't do any good, seeing as how the ten other nice enough guys at her school just don't quite catch her fancy but oh you better goddamn believe mr. pale-white-red-lips-empty eyes and sits in a corner does. Another funny thing is how big of a douche Edward is to Bella at the beginning. After a rather awkward jizz in his pants moment in class (seriously watch him when Bella first walks in, he totally did), Edward tries and fails to get a new schedule to be away from Bella and then walks past her uttering that he'll "just have to endure it!" It makes sense later, I know, but then and there all of this was priceless.

But yeah, Edward does finally open up to Bella in small doses and he tells her of his vampirism, his death/birth in 1918 and of his vampire family who get by being as inconspicuous as possible. The Cullens are pretty cool people; a loving, stable family of mostly unrelated vampires who welcome Bella warmly...mostly. But of course there has to be a conflict and that comes in the form of James played by Cam Gigandet, a tracker vampire who upon locking eyes on Edward and Bella makes it his mission in life to destroy them. This whole run away scenario comes way too fast way too late in the film and though it is okay it doesn't fit well. By the end I'm not disappointed but just a bit flabbergasted by the "oh it's lovey dovey bloodsucking fun" thing quick change to "omg we's all gonna die" thing before shapeshifting back to the lovey dovey thing. And the very end when you know who looks down on the star crossed lovers was just kind of cartoonish. Otherwise Twilight was anywhere near as bad as it was made out to be by some. It wasn't even bad at all really. It's certainly not a good movie for people unfamiliar with the series. For people familiar with the series it may hold up for them or it may not.

I don't know why I'm saying this really. The movie's been out for three years. I guess this is another one just for me so you can go fu--

(PLEASE RELAX WHILE RAGE IS VENTED)

...Whooo, I'm better now. But yeah I liked the acting a lot better than I thought I would, if anything that's what I thought would suck the most. I still like Kristen Stewart, I just think her problem here is her character. I really didn't like Bella all that much; I said it before, it was as if she couldn't be involved with anything that wasn't epic or incredible like vampire love for instance. Robert Pattinson, who I only know as Cedric from Harry Potter, was really good in this. He made the character of Edward kind of interesting and sympathetic. Cam Gigandet, who can play a douchebag well, is going for the tormenting Lestat type of vampire and comes off being really creepy. The only actor I liked was Billy Burke as Bella's dad, he was cool.

So Twilight was decent but it doesn't change the things I didn't like about it: sparkling vampires, frustrating characters, and romantic eye gazing. Yeah, other than gazing into each others' eyes and going for superspeed piggy back rides I didn't see a whole lot of romance between Edward and Bella. Their dialogue was good but there wasn't enough of it. And every time Taylor Lautner shows up as Jacob I find myself asking why the hell Bella isn't with him. He was childhood friend, he is charming, he likes her, she likes him, there is good dialogue bordering on good chemistry between them. But no, every time the pale wonder comes around he backs off like a republican on Rush Limbaugh and it is so goddamn--

(VENTING RAGE)

Okay I'm tired. In closing, watch Twilight or better yet read the freakin book. You probably won't be disappointed, most people weren't so there you go. I'm going to bed.

This has been a poor review of a poor story...Just kiddin'. I'm Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.