DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN THOUGH IT PROBABLY SHOULD BE.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I've decided to talk about a mass delusion that has plagued many people in America and, even some from foreign lands. It's called The Birther Affliction. Now I would reassure those among my readers who are birthers that this is not meant to be offensive, but I honestly don't think anyone open minded enough to read my blog would be a birther.
The Birthers are people suffering from a most uncommon misconception that Barack Obama is not American born. They are convinced that he is in fact Kenyan. Also, after these claims are quickly disproven, the victims of BA often consider Barack Obama's native home of Hawaii not to be part of these United States. Should this phase occur, a brief study of geographical history is the best recommendation I can give you. Even though it seems like mentally challenged sheeple trying to slander our country's hightest power, it is in reality a massive form of paranoid schizophrenia caused by lack of faith in one's government, conflicting feelings over race and superiority, or the more effective and most deadly of causes: long exposure to Fox News.
If you suffer from any of these feelings, talk to your doctor, no talk to your psychiatrist now about your problems with the Birther Affliction. Many well known prescribtions have been established, such as excessive amounts of retalin and valium so as not to bombard congressmen with forged birth certificates you had no possible way of obtaining or accepting the fact that the Liberal party won after almost a decade of conservative bullshit. I think we can all be happy about that. Except you because you are insane. Live long and prosper.
So now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Summing Up Johnny Depp's Roles
Johnny Depp is probably one of the best and coolest actors of this generation. I love almost everything he's in. Even if the movie's bad, Johnny's still awesome. Why is he awesome. He's just a real character. Not a character actor, mind you. But a character. I don't really know how to describe it. Well he started out on the TV show 21 Jump Street where he became a teen idol. He, like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, didn't like this status. So he began starring as strange characters in films that were off the beaten path. Of course he has gone mainstream many times and played normal characters mixed with that Depp charm. But still, being an actor whose performances have been so memorable, so freaky, so brutally disgustingly honest, I am forced to summarize many of Depp's roles with one or more lines in this latest issue of Sum Ups (also I am only summing the films I've seen).
BEGIN!!!
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984):
"Remember me, I'm from 21 Jump StrAAHHH GOD MY BED'S EATING ME!!!"
PLATOON (1986):
"Yes, I'm another great but undiscovered actor cast in this movie. Remember me, I'm from 21 Jump Street and A Nightmare on Elm StrAAHH OH GOD I GOT SHOT!!! AND SO DID WILLEM DAFOE AND FOREST WHITAKER!!! WHY!!!
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990):
Slice! "We're not sheeps..." Dice!
FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991):
"Amazing, I was able to get killed by Freddy Kruger twice. I don't think anyone noticed though."
WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE (1993):
Sigh! "...Arnie..."
BENNY AND JOON (1993):
"Oh how I love reckless endangerment, and Joon...And Charlie Chaplin! But you! You're scared."
ED WOOD (1994):
"Take 1, action!" one take later "Cut, print, perfect! Now where's my blouse?"
NICK OF TIME (1995):
"Oh how I wish I was clever when the situation called for it."
DEAD MAN (1995):
"I'm William Blake...No I'm not the painting poet. I'm the gunslinging accountant."
DONNIE BRASCO (1997):
"Pleasure to meet you, I'm Joseph Pistone, FBI, undercover. I mean, I'm Donnie Brasco, gangster, forget about it."
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS (1998):
"IIIII'M RAOUL DUKE!!! NOW BE QUIET PIG FUCKER, YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME!!! Oh what have we poor souls become?"
SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999):
"Ichabod Crane, Scotland Yard. And that headless, unkillable horseman who used to be Christopher Walken with freakier features is a normal killer like any other I assure you. Stand aside I shall take care of him in no ti--AH SPIDER!!!"
FROM HELL (2001):
"This may be vastly different from Alan Moore's book and I may be high on opium and thoroughly psychic, but I will find Jack The Ripper and kill him. Oh I can't, well I guess I'll just OD."
ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003):
"I can't tell you whether or not I'm good or bad. All I can tell you is that a blind man kills just as good as a sighted man and that this is excellent pork...In fact it's so good that the cook must die. Excuse me for a moment."
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (2003):
"I require a gun with one round, the rest of my effects, a ship, preferrably large and expendable and a case of rum. All of that and I should do just fine despite my clumsiness and eccentricities, savvy?"
FINDING NEVERLAND (2004):
"Befriending a local family inspired me to write Peter Pan. And that's pretty much it, savvy."
SECRET WINDOW (2004):
"I hate obsessed fans, even though I happen to be one of them. I also hate killers, even though I happen to be one of them. I probably hate Stephen King too, even though I'm one of his characters."
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005):
"You thought Willy Wonka was strange before, well he was. But I'm stranger, you MUMBLER!!!"
CORPSE BRIDE (2005):
"Um, I don't know what I appreciate for this role. Um, I suppose maybe my partnership with Tim Burton and excessive pairing with his wife Helena Bonham Carter. Um, my quiet, forlorn voice patterns.Um, and of course my extremely well developed British accent that has worked in several films.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST (2006):
"I don't quite know whom I'm to trust on this one, lads. Even one as intricate and intellectual as myself cannot quite grasp this plot. All I know is some fish want to eat me, but they can't because I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT!!! Oh wait they can. Oh bugger."
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END (2007):
"I know I've been eatin', but hey Jack's back! And if you thought I was strange before...Well I was, but now I'm slightly stranger. Why do I always end up where I started out?"
GONZO: THE LIFE AND WORK OF DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON (2008):
"We we're friends, so I'm narrating. That's about it."
PUBLIC ENEMIES (2009):
"I'm John Dillinger and I rob banks. Yes I am in fact Johnny Depp, my face has up until now been covered in makeup. But still I rob banks and will probably get nominations."
And those have been a few impressions left on us by Johnny Depp, a great actor who always leaves his mark on a film.
This has been another issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
BEGIN!!!
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984):
"Remember me, I'm from 21 Jump StrAAHHH GOD MY BED'S EATING ME!!!"
PLATOON (1986):
"Yes, I'm another great but undiscovered actor cast in this movie. Remember me, I'm from 21 Jump Street and A Nightmare on Elm StrAAHH OH GOD I GOT SHOT!!! AND SO DID WILLEM DAFOE AND FOREST WHITAKER!!! WHY!!!
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990):
Slice! "We're not sheeps..." Dice!
FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991):
"Amazing, I was able to get killed by Freddy Kruger twice. I don't think anyone noticed though."
WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE (1993):
Sigh! "...Arnie..."
BENNY AND JOON (1993):
"Oh how I love reckless endangerment, and Joon...And Charlie Chaplin! But you! You're scared."
ED WOOD (1994):
"Take 1, action!" one take later "Cut, print, perfect! Now where's my blouse?"
NICK OF TIME (1995):
"Oh how I wish I was clever when the situation called for it."
DEAD MAN (1995):
"I'm William Blake...No I'm not the painting poet. I'm the gunslinging accountant."
DONNIE BRASCO (1997):
"Pleasure to meet you, I'm Joseph Pistone, FBI, undercover. I mean, I'm Donnie Brasco, gangster, forget about it."
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS (1998):
"IIIII'M RAOUL DUKE!!! NOW BE QUIET PIG FUCKER, YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME!!! Oh what have we poor souls become?"
SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999):
"Ichabod Crane, Scotland Yard. And that headless, unkillable horseman who used to be Christopher Walken with freakier features is a normal killer like any other I assure you. Stand aside I shall take care of him in no ti--AH SPIDER!!!"
FROM HELL (2001):
"This may be vastly different from Alan Moore's book and I may be high on opium and thoroughly psychic, but I will find Jack The Ripper and kill him. Oh I can't, well I guess I'll just OD."
ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003):
"I can't tell you whether or not I'm good or bad. All I can tell you is that a blind man kills just as good as a sighted man and that this is excellent pork...In fact it's so good that the cook must die. Excuse me for a moment."
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (2003):
"I require a gun with one round, the rest of my effects, a ship, preferrably large and expendable and a case of rum. All of that and I should do just fine despite my clumsiness and eccentricities, savvy?"
FINDING NEVERLAND (2004):
"Befriending a local family inspired me to write Peter Pan. And that's pretty much it, savvy."
SECRET WINDOW (2004):
"I hate obsessed fans, even though I happen to be one of them. I also hate killers, even though I happen to be one of them. I probably hate Stephen King too, even though I'm one of his characters."
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005):
"You thought Willy Wonka was strange before, well he was. But I'm stranger, you MUMBLER!!!"
CORPSE BRIDE (2005):
"Um, I don't know what I appreciate for this role. Um, I suppose maybe my partnership with Tim Burton and excessive pairing with his wife Helena Bonham Carter. Um, my quiet, forlorn voice patterns.Um, and of course my extremely well developed British accent that has worked in several films.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST (2006):
"I don't quite know whom I'm to trust on this one, lads. Even one as intricate and intellectual as myself cannot quite grasp this plot. All I know is some fish want to eat me, but they can't because I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT!!! Oh wait they can. Oh bugger."
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END (2007):
"I know I've been eatin', but hey Jack's back! And if you thought I was strange before...Well I was, but now I'm slightly stranger. Why do I always end up where I started out?"
GONZO: THE LIFE AND WORK OF DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON (2008):
"We we're friends, so I'm narrating. That's about it."
PUBLIC ENEMIES (2009):
"I'm John Dillinger and I rob banks. Yes I am in fact Johnny Depp, my face has up until now been covered in makeup. But still I rob banks and will probably get nominations."
And those have been a few impressions left on us by Johnny Depp, a great actor who always leaves his mark on a film.
This has been another issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The Informant! Review
The Informant is a good movie, I will say that first off. It just is not what I anticipated. I suppose the trailer was a bit misleading, though the factual premise was not. The trailer made this new Steven Soderbergh film to be an uproarious dark comedy starring a heavier goofy Matt Damon as an executive turned informant for the FBI. This is true, it is a true story. It may not have been as funny as I thought it was going to be. In fact the amount of humour involved probably took place in reality.
The title character, the informant, is Mark Whitacre. He is a rising executive in the agribusiness Archer Daniels Midland. He knows his colleagues and employers are fixing prices and robbing the average man, taking them for millions every year. Through a sequence of events, Whitacre is brought into contact with the FBI and, due to his own guilty conscience and the encouragement of his wife, decides to rat on his company's criminal activity. This goes on for around five years as Whitacre accumulates facts and evidence against "the bad guys". Do they go to jail, yes. But unless you know your history, you won't be able to predict what becomes of Mark Whitacre.
The majority of the comedy you've already seen in the trailers: Mark's trouble with FBI surveillance, or his over conspicuousness, and his overall air of stupidity. Those moments do come, but believe me, Whitacre is not an idiot at all. By the end you will find him to be a much more complex and intriguing character who is more than just a goofball. The funniest part for me would be Mark's narration throughout the film. He does not recite exactly what happens in sequence per se, he explains it more with strange metaphors. Either that or he just goes on about weird thoughts he has: "Do polar bears know their noses are black", or a rather Lynchian idea for a TV show.
The film does run long, but I expected it because most films like these do. Maybe the unfulfilled promise of comedy was what disappointed me most. Other times the film feels uninteresting or lagging. But overall I enjoyed it. It's not a movie that needs to be seen in theatres, in fact this could be a very great film to watch at home.
As with most of his movies, indie filmmaker Steven Soderbergh implores much of his craft into this new project and gives it the charm he hands to his other works. A superb performance by Matt Damon, an versatile actor playing a wonderful character, puts this movie in the air. Damon is capable of playing many tones, he can be dramatic, scary, funny, or just easy going. He also made a different turn by gaining weight for his role, like Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull or Christian Bale in The Machinist. A majority of the cast includes comedians who perform great in sort of serious roles, these include Joel Mchale, Patton Oswalt, Tony Hale, and Eddie Jemison. Melanie Lynskie has a heartfelt role as Whitacre's tender but willful wife. Then the great turnout of long lost actor Scott Bakula, who I only know from Star Trek: Enterprise, as one the main FBI agents who works with Whitacre over the years.
In the end The Informant! succeeds with what it set out to do, but not with what it led us to believe it would do. That's okay with me. I still liked it. It was funny, smart, dramatic, endearing and really true. You don't have to see it in the theatre but it wouldn't hurt if you did.
This has been a somewhat enthusiastic review by Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
The title character, the informant, is Mark Whitacre. He is a rising executive in the agribusiness Archer Daniels Midland. He knows his colleagues and employers are fixing prices and robbing the average man, taking them for millions every year. Through a sequence of events, Whitacre is brought into contact with the FBI and, due to his own guilty conscience and the encouragement of his wife, decides to rat on his company's criminal activity. This goes on for around five years as Whitacre accumulates facts and evidence against "the bad guys". Do they go to jail, yes. But unless you know your history, you won't be able to predict what becomes of Mark Whitacre.
The majority of the comedy you've already seen in the trailers: Mark's trouble with FBI surveillance, or his over conspicuousness, and his overall air of stupidity. Those moments do come, but believe me, Whitacre is not an idiot at all. By the end you will find him to be a much more complex and intriguing character who is more than just a goofball. The funniest part for me would be Mark's narration throughout the film. He does not recite exactly what happens in sequence per se, he explains it more with strange metaphors. Either that or he just goes on about weird thoughts he has: "Do polar bears know their noses are black", or a rather Lynchian idea for a TV show.
The film does run long, but I expected it because most films like these do. Maybe the unfulfilled promise of comedy was what disappointed me most. Other times the film feels uninteresting or lagging. But overall I enjoyed it. It's not a movie that needs to be seen in theatres, in fact this could be a very great film to watch at home.
As with most of his movies, indie filmmaker Steven Soderbergh implores much of his craft into this new project and gives it the charm he hands to his other works. A superb performance by Matt Damon, an versatile actor playing a wonderful character, puts this movie in the air. Damon is capable of playing many tones, he can be dramatic, scary, funny, or just easy going. He also made a different turn by gaining weight for his role, like Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull or Christian Bale in The Machinist. A majority of the cast includes comedians who perform great in sort of serious roles, these include Joel Mchale, Patton Oswalt, Tony Hale, and Eddie Jemison. Melanie Lynskie has a heartfelt role as Whitacre's tender but willful wife. Then the great turnout of long lost actor Scott Bakula, who I only know from Star Trek: Enterprise, as one the main FBI agents who works with Whitacre over the years.
In the end The Informant! succeeds with what it set out to do, but not with what it led us to believe it would do. That's okay with me. I still liked it. It was funny, smart, dramatic, endearing and really true. You don't have to see it in the theatre but it wouldn't hurt if you did.
This has been a somewhat enthusiastic review by Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Goodbye Carrol and Swayze
"Pale Death with impartial tread beats at the poor man's cottage door and at the palaces of kings." - Horace
Over the past few days we have lost two notable and somewhat underrated celebrities. Writer and muscian Jim Carroll and actor Patrick Swayze. Carroll died of a heart attack on the latest 9/11 unfortunately and Swayze finally lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. This was sort of a surprise for me as I thought both of these people were at the time alright, though I knew Swayze was stricken with cancer and, well, Carroll had never really looked healthy.
For those of you modern people who don't know and as a recap for those who did know, I will tell you just what exactly these two are known for.
Patrick Swayze gained a lot of recognition in the 80s as a new sex symbol. He starred in memorable romance films like Dirty Dancing and Ghost around this time. I never saw those two, but the movies I know him for in particular are Point Break, Red Dawn, The Outsiders, Roadhouse and later on in his career Donnie Darko (a surprising acting turn). Then recently got the main role of a new crime series called The Beast as a sort of last hurrah. He was not a perfect actor by any means but he wasn't terrible either. And I never really disliked him in anything I saw. He seemed to go for a lot of dramatic moments that didn't quite work but were loads better than those of other people like Charlton Heston or William Shatner. His role in Donnie Darko was small but significant and kind of hilarious as he portrayed the self-help demigod of 80s conservative women who had a really big secret. Something that surprises people is that I really liked him in the action movie Point Break. Yes he did not have a lot of competition with Gary Busey, Lori Petty, and a very young Keanu Reeves in the cast. And no the performance was not spectacular, but then again neither was Point Break. It was a sad loss especially because I thought he had just kicked the cancer and then to my surprise he's gone. It is truly sad.
Now Jim Carroll. Jim Carroll is known for two things primarily: his autobiographical book The Basketball Diaries and his hit song "People Who Died", also autobiographical. I heard that song before I knew who Carroll was and I loved it. Then I was introduced to the depressing film adaptation of The Basketball Diaries where a young Leonardo Dicaprio starred as Carroll. As a kid, when Carroll was not an all star school basketball player or writing poetry, he was a troublemaker and drug addict who roamed the streets of New York with his fellow druggie friends who did almost anything to keep their habit alive. Jim eventually got sober and went on to become a writer and short lived musician. His story was hard to take and extremely brutal. This also caught me off guard as I had not heard about him in a long time.
These men were talented in their own right and deserved more praise before their deaths rather than after. They will be missed along with everyone else lost this year.
This has been a farewell to two likable people from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Over the past few days we have lost two notable and somewhat underrated celebrities. Writer and muscian Jim Carroll and actor Patrick Swayze. Carroll died of a heart attack on the latest 9/11 unfortunately and Swayze finally lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. This was sort of a surprise for me as I thought both of these people were at the time alright, though I knew Swayze was stricken with cancer and, well, Carroll had never really looked healthy.
For those of you modern people who don't know and as a recap for those who did know, I will tell you just what exactly these two are known for.
Patrick Swayze gained a lot of recognition in the 80s as a new sex symbol. He starred in memorable romance films like Dirty Dancing and Ghost around this time. I never saw those two, but the movies I know him for in particular are Point Break, Red Dawn, The Outsiders, Roadhouse and later on in his career Donnie Darko (a surprising acting turn). Then recently got the main role of a new crime series called The Beast as a sort of last hurrah. He was not a perfect actor by any means but he wasn't terrible either. And I never really disliked him in anything I saw. He seemed to go for a lot of dramatic moments that didn't quite work but were loads better than those of other people like Charlton Heston or William Shatner. His role in Donnie Darko was small but significant and kind of hilarious as he portrayed the self-help demigod of 80s conservative women who had a really big secret. Something that surprises people is that I really liked him in the action movie Point Break. Yes he did not have a lot of competition with Gary Busey, Lori Petty, and a very young Keanu Reeves in the cast. And no the performance was not spectacular, but then again neither was Point Break. It was a sad loss especially because I thought he had just kicked the cancer and then to my surprise he's gone. It is truly sad.
Now Jim Carroll. Jim Carroll is known for two things primarily: his autobiographical book The Basketball Diaries and his hit song "People Who Died", also autobiographical. I heard that song before I knew who Carroll was and I loved it. Then I was introduced to the depressing film adaptation of The Basketball Diaries where a young Leonardo Dicaprio starred as Carroll. As a kid, when Carroll was not an all star school basketball player or writing poetry, he was a troublemaker and drug addict who roamed the streets of New York with his fellow druggie friends who did almost anything to keep their habit alive. Jim eventually got sober and went on to become a writer and short lived musician. His story was hard to take and extremely brutal. This also caught me off guard as I had not heard about him in a long time.
These men were talented in their own right and deserved more praise before their deaths rather than after. They will be missed along with everyone else lost this year.
This has been a farewell to two likable people from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Starring Kanye West in "Prick!"
"I still think I am a gayfish." - Kanye West
And I do too. I like rap. I don't love rap. Some people can just find the right tune, the right noise and it's legit and really miraculous music to me. Kanye West is one of those people. He is creative, intelligent. He's also kind of an asshole. I mean sure, he got many respect points after a ballsy post-Hurricane Katrina line: "George Bush doesn't care about black people." When Kanye West can outfunny Mike Myers with one line, I can't help but like him. Still he does come off as a really pretentious person. We can all be pretentious but still.
Then he does something stupid like what he did at an award ceremony in which Taylor Swift won an award for, I believe, Best Music Video. An obviously happy Swift began her acceptance speech, which was then interrupted when West jumped on stage, took the microphone out of her hands and said that fellow nominee Beyonce Knowles had "one of the best videos of all time". In a nutshell, he was saying Beyonce should have won the award instead of Taylor Swift. Swift was upset after this and could not finish her speech.
Kanye what in the hell makes you think that you're opinion is stronger than everyone else's? I know you're some kind of songwriting genius but that is no excuse. Imagine if people like Kanye West showed up at other award ceremonies.
2008 ACADEMY AWARDS:
The Ledger family takes to the stage to accept the Best Supporting Actor Award for their recently deceased kin Heath. Kanye West appears and pushes them out of the way.
Kanye: "Hey yo, look I loved your boy Heath in this movie and I'm sorry for your loss. but I just wanted to say Robert Downey, Jr. had an awesome role in that kickass movie Tropic Thunder. My condolences, peace yall."
Ya see, fuckin prick. Now I know West apologized on his blog almost immediately after but it still doesn't change the fact that he ruined that girl's moment and embarrassed Beyonce. And don't lie Kanye, you really were just sucking up to Beyonce's fine ass. Pretty pitiful.
This has been a recent update of douchebaggery from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
And I do too. I like rap. I don't love rap. Some people can just find the right tune, the right noise and it's legit and really miraculous music to me. Kanye West is one of those people. He is creative, intelligent. He's also kind of an asshole. I mean sure, he got many respect points after a ballsy post-Hurricane Katrina line: "George Bush doesn't care about black people." When Kanye West can outfunny Mike Myers with one line, I can't help but like him. Still he does come off as a really pretentious person. We can all be pretentious but still.
Then he does something stupid like what he did at an award ceremony in which Taylor Swift won an award for, I believe, Best Music Video. An obviously happy Swift began her acceptance speech, which was then interrupted when West jumped on stage, took the microphone out of her hands and said that fellow nominee Beyonce Knowles had "one of the best videos of all time". In a nutshell, he was saying Beyonce should have won the award instead of Taylor Swift. Swift was upset after this and could not finish her speech.
Kanye what in the hell makes you think that you're opinion is stronger than everyone else's? I know you're some kind of songwriting genius but that is no excuse. Imagine if people like Kanye West showed up at other award ceremonies.
2008 ACADEMY AWARDS:
The Ledger family takes to the stage to accept the Best Supporting Actor Award for their recently deceased kin Heath. Kanye West appears and pushes them out of the way.
Kanye: "Hey yo, look I loved your boy Heath in this movie and I'm sorry for your loss. but I just wanted to say Robert Downey, Jr. had an awesome role in that kickass movie Tropic Thunder. My condolences, peace yall."
Ya see, fuckin prick. Now I know West apologized on his blog almost immediately after but it still doesn't change the fact that he ruined that girl's moment and embarrassed Beyonce. And don't lie Kanye, you really were just sucking up to Beyonce's fine ass. Pretty pitiful.
This has been a recent update of douchebaggery from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Michael Bay presents: EXPLOSIONS!!!
"I don't want to live in a world without BIG EXPLOSIONS!!!" - Michael J. Caboose
I think it's a fact, as dumbed down and short attention span rendered people are these days, that folks dig explosions and nonsensical action. I mean honestly, when you see a movie trailer that features a lot of slow motion shots involving stylized gun fights and people running away from huge earth scorching explosions, you have to admit you might be a little bit interested right? RIGHT? Even though you know in your mind that it will most certainly be nothing more than a big and dumb and plotless demolition squad of a motion picture, you still wanna see it for that very same reason. It's that primitive button buried in the back of all human brains. You know the one that makes you go "Duh...Ha, BOOM!!!"
Yet apparently there is one filmmaker out there who has made a career off of these movies. A man even the fans of these stupidly action packed movies think is just kinda dumb. A man named Michael Bay. Bay, a former music video and commercial director, got his start directing the cop thriller Bad Boys and it's later sequel, the masteractioner that is The Rock, as well as Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, The Island, Transformers and Transformers 2. And these movies are chockful of Bay's fascinatingly repetitive style: huge and unrealistic explosions, huge unrealistic gunfights, huge unrealistic car chases, slow motion scenes piled on top of each other, hot women (probably being abused or womanized), gore, and ultra fast editing. And after seven movies Bay and the box office have not felt that this style has gotten a little old.
For all of this, Bay is considered a one note and particularly unpopular director. Let it be said, he is not one of my favorites. But still if I am in the mood for a brooding, testosterone laced action movie, Bay's movies will be a first. Many of the movies he makes I like, even if they have already been done to death. I love the hell out of Bad Boys and Armageddon and Bad Boys 2, The Island and Transformers were good too. I had no desire to see Pearl Harbor or Transformers 2. Not really because of Michael Bay, just because they looked really lame.
Bad Boys is one of my favorite big city buddy cop movies, even surpassing Lethal Weapon. Not to mention having the great dark comedy duo that was Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. Bay, Smith and Lawrence came back for Bad Boys 2 some time later and I would have found the movie incredibly stupid if it wasn't so fucking crazy and hilarious, plus Bay works well with the action in these movies. I would definitely see Bad Boys 3. Just me, though.
Oh, but then Bay made his magnum opus: The Rock. Starring 90s action staple Nicholas Cage and former Jimmy Bond portrayer Sean Connery, as well as a wealth of great actors and a script treatment from Quentin Tarantino, The Rock is a goddamn action masterpiece that I love to death. I don't care what anyone says. It was a last action horrah for the elder Sean Connery, and he defined bad ass in that movie for those who have been misled by Chuck Norris and John Cena. The Rock for the world, yes I am saying that.
Then along came Armageddon, the disaster epic that probably gave the box office more money than a wall street stock broker. Again, this is a movie I loved despite it's technical flaws. It's awesome as hell. It didn't hurt to add just about every character actor I adore (they got Charlton Heston for god's sake). Sure it was flawed, but fuck it was a science fiction movie. I don't go to science fiction movies to find realism. I heart Armageddon.
Saw trailers for Pearl Harbor in a time when I was already bombarded with theatre viewings of military epics such as Black Hawk Down and We Were Soldiers, so I gave that the old skiperroo.
I was skeptical of The Island at first, but when I watched it I felt almost gut wrenched. Finally Michael Bay implores a pretty emotional, edgy and harrowing story somewhere within his junk yard of pointless action. Good performances, good story, good drama, good sci fi and good action.
Then I bared witness to Transformers, the live action movie of the popular toy and cartoon line from the 80s. My opinion: it was still a damn cartoon, but a cartoon I'd enjoy watching on a Saturday morning. He was obsessed with casting every Hollywood familiar face into a really cheesy script, showing a sweaty and of course skimpy Megan Fox running in slow motion and finding more ways for Shia Labouf to senselessly jabber "no, no, no!" on and on and on and on. And sure it was a fun pop corn movie that was best viewed in theatres. I was never really into Transformers, unlike Orson Welles and Stephen Spielberg who I suppose saw some potential with big alien robots disguised as cars. Seriously, for me the most likable thing about Transformers when I was a kid was the theme song: "Transformers, robots in disguise! Transformers, more than meets the eye!" It's pretty damn catchy.
I was a little intrigued by the trailer for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, even if I knew it would be the exact same story and a poor excuse for big action and sweaty and skimpy Megan Fox running in slow motion. I did not predict the reviews for the movie accurately. Instead of finding the movie stupid and pointless like I thought they would, people fucking HATED this movie and HATED Michael Bay for making it. Roger Ebert was forced to write a blog post about this movie and how historically terrible it was. After hearing about corny lines, rumours of racism and misogny, an overkill of cliches, and a excessive Michael Bayisms, I decided that in all likelyhood, watching Transformers 2 would be as fun, exciting, and make about as much sense as going to church (I apologize to the religious, of course I'm joking).
But for all of his flaws and repetitive attempts to cause seizures, I like the majority of Michael Bay's movies. If all I want to see is mostly big explosions and slow motioned gunfire, than I'll watch them. Or if I want to be entertained through and through with a story and characters I care about I will watch The Rock and Armageddon. If anything what I can't forgive Michael Bay for is not his action exploitations, but his producer credits of almost all of the recent remakes of classic horror films! Bay, you bastard! He's warping modern kids' minds and convincing them the raping of genuine scares are better than the originals. Thank Michael Bay for this bullshit that has plagued American movies for the past few years.
This has been a detailed summary of a pointless action tycoon from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
EXPLOSIONS!!!
I think it's a fact, as dumbed down and short attention span rendered people are these days, that folks dig explosions and nonsensical action. I mean honestly, when you see a movie trailer that features a lot of slow motion shots involving stylized gun fights and people running away from huge earth scorching explosions, you have to admit you might be a little bit interested right? RIGHT? Even though you know in your mind that it will most certainly be nothing more than a big and dumb and plotless demolition squad of a motion picture, you still wanna see it for that very same reason. It's that primitive button buried in the back of all human brains. You know the one that makes you go "Duh...Ha, BOOM!!!"
Yet apparently there is one filmmaker out there who has made a career off of these movies. A man even the fans of these stupidly action packed movies think is just kinda dumb. A man named Michael Bay. Bay, a former music video and commercial director, got his start directing the cop thriller Bad Boys and it's later sequel, the masteractioner that is The Rock, as well as Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, The Island, Transformers and Transformers 2. And these movies are chockful of Bay's fascinatingly repetitive style: huge and unrealistic explosions, huge unrealistic gunfights, huge unrealistic car chases, slow motion scenes piled on top of each other, hot women (probably being abused or womanized), gore, and ultra fast editing. And after seven movies Bay and the box office have not felt that this style has gotten a little old.
For all of this, Bay is considered a one note and particularly unpopular director. Let it be said, he is not one of my favorites. But still if I am in the mood for a brooding, testosterone laced action movie, Bay's movies will be a first. Many of the movies he makes I like, even if they have already been done to death. I love the hell out of Bad Boys and Armageddon and Bad Boys 2, The Island and Transformers were good too. I had no desire to see Pearl Harbor or Transformers 2. Not really because of Michael Bay, just because they looked really lame.
Bad Boys is one of my favorite big city buddy cop movies, even surpassing Lethal Weapon. Not to mention having the great dark comedy duo that was Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. Bay, Smith and Lawrence came back for Bad Boys 2 some time later and I would have found the movie incredibly stupid if it wasn't so fucking crazy and hilarious, plus Bay works well with the action in these movies. I would definitely see Bad Boys 3. Just me, though.
Oh, but then Bay made his magnum opus: The Rock. Starring 90s action staple Nicholas Cage and former Jimmy Bond portrayer Sean Connery, as well as a wealth of great actors and a script treatment from Quentin Tarantino, The Rock is a goddamn action masterpiece that I love to death. I don't care what anyone says. It was a last action horrah for the elder Sean Connery, and he defined bad ass in that movie for those who have been misled by Chuck Norris and John Cena. The Rock for the world, yes I am saying that.
Then along came Armageddon, the disaster epic that probably gave the box office more money than a wall street stock broker. Again, this is a movie I loved despite it's technical flaws. It's awesome as hell. It didn't hurt to add just about every character actor I adore (they got Charlton Heston for god's sake). Sure it was flawed, but fuck it was a science fiction movie. I don't go to science fiction movies to find realism. I heart Armageddon.
Saw trailers for Pearl Harbor in a time when I was already bombarded with theatre viewings of military epics such as Black Hawk Down and We Were Soldiers, so I gave that the old skiperroo.
I was skeptical of The Island at first, but when I watched it I felt almost gut wrenched. Finally Michael Bay implores a pretty emotional, edgy and harrowing story somewhere within his junk yard of pointless action. Good performances, good story, good drama, good sci fi and good action.
Then I bared witness to Transformers, the live action movie of the popular toy and cartoon line from the 80s. My opinion: it was still a damn cartoon, but a cartoon I'd enjoy watching on a Saturday morning. He was obsessed with casting every Hollywood familiar face into a really cheesy script, showing a sweaty and of course skimpy Megan Fox running in slow motion and finding more ways for Shia Labouf to senselessly jabber "no, no, no!" on and on and on and on. And sure it was a fun pop corn movie that was best viewed in theatres. I was never really into Transformers, unlike Orson Welles and Stephen Spielberg who I suppose saw some potential with big alien robots disguised as cars. Seriously, for me the most likable thing about Transformers when I was a kid was the theme song: "Transformers, robots in disguise! Transformers, more than meets the eye!" It's pretty damn catchy.
I was a little intrigued by the trailer for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, even if I knew it would be the exact same story and a poor excuse for big action and sweaty and skimpy Megan Fox running in slow motion. I did not predict the reviews for the movie accurately. Instead of finding the movie stupid and pointless like I thought they would, people fucking HATED this movie and HATED Michael Bay for making it. Roger Ebert was forced to write a blog post about this movie and how historically terrible it was. After hearing about corny lines, rumours of racism and misogny, an overkill of cliches, and a excessive Michael Bayisms, I decided that in all likelyhood, watching Transformers 2 would be as fun, exciting, and make about as much sense as going to church (I apologize to the religious, of course I'm joking).
But for all of his flaws and repetitive attempts to cause seizures, I like the majority of Michael Bay's movies. If all I want to see is mostly big explosions and slow motioned gunfire, than I'll watch them. Or if I want to be entertained through and through with a story and characters I care about I will watch The Rock and Armageddon. If anything what I can't forgive Michael Bay for is not his action exploitations, but his producer credits of almost all of the recent remakes of classic horror films! Bay, you bastard! He's warping modern kids' minds and convincing them the raping of genuine scares are better than the originals. Thank Michael Bay for this bullshit that has plagued American movies for the past few years.
This has been a detailed summary of a pointless action tycoon from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
EXPLOSIONS!!!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Me and quotes
I just had a thought about my blog. About how on nearly every one of my posts I add a quote from a popular source that I probably just read off of wikiquote. I found myself wondering if I came off as sort of idiotic or maybe just pretentious when adding quotes from famous or revered people, rather than coming up with something myself. Now to be fair I am not an extremely intelligent person by any means. I'm more of a fairly intelligent person, who knows right from wrong. That's good enough for me. Also if I ever had a great line that could have been used for a quote than I probably forgot about it two hours after saying it.
Maybe it's just my imagination running, but I still want to clear the air with any of the few readers out there. The reason I use quotes from famous or revered people is because I like having a learned opinion from learned people. Other times, it's just in reference to the particular subject. Also it's because I like quotes, they're fun for some reason. Maybe it's some sad and twisted desire for famous people who have made names for themselves to appear to be agreeing with me? I don't know, but I won't stop adding quotes.
So in closing and in making my point...I quote Ralph Waldo Emerson: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote."
This has been a little insecure rant from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Maybe it's just my imagination running, but I still want to clear the air with any of the few readers out there. The reason I use quotes from famous or revered people is because I like having a learned opinion from learned people. Other times, it's just in reference to the particular subject. Also it's because I like quotes, they're fun for some reason. Maybe it's some sad and twisted desire for famous people who have made names for themselves to appear to be agreeing with me? I don't know, but I won't stop adding quotes.
So in closing and in making my point...I quote Ralph Waldo Emerson: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote."
This has been a little insecure rant from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Friday, September 4, 2009
America: a tragedy/No president is an island
"Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency." - Barack Obama
Please be patient. My point will rise eventually. Everything that comes before it is just a build up.
George W. Bush was known for being the kind of guy you as an average citizen might know and hang out with and, I think, Barack Obama is that kind of guy too. The only two differences, 1) Barack knows what the fuck he is doing and 2) everyone thinks he is doing worse than Bush. Barack is not given enough credit. I mean seriously what is wrong with people. Here is a man whose origin is and has been cited as the very definition of the American success story. Here is a man who was the offspring of an Kenyan man and an American woman in Hawaii. Here is a man who built a beautiful family that worked together and were strong together. Here is a man who became a successful attorney and made his way to the US senate. Here is a man who began a presidential campaign being the son of a muslim, being mixed race, and still maintaining complete control over his situation. Here is man who in this campaign graced the vast crowds that gathered in the corners of our nation to listen to his moving and hope inspiring speeches (speeches that were said to resemble those of Martin Luther King or Jack Kennedy). Here is a man who won the election because he was golden and he was true blue. Here is a man who did what people 50 years ago would have called a fantasy. And now a few months later, here is a man who, due to the ignorance of the little guys he sought to lead and protect, has been outcast.
Let's have a brief trip down memory lane. Shall we start at the 2000 election, when the votes were clearly in the favor of Democratic nominee Al Gore to be the election winner and then suddenly there was a MIRACULOUS mistake that led to George Bush being the winner. Conveinent. Everyone was convinced he stole the election but justice was never enforced. And in doing so, we were dazzled by too many years of retard moments, bad decisions, confused grammer and yet another bad/manipulated election. God bless America.
Let's cut one year later. It's a beautiful September morning, then suddenly our country shakes and the world changes as two hijacked planes give the tallest American buildings a kiss. George Bush heard about this tragedy while reading to preschoolers and in a brave move he...Continued to read the children while the streets were still flaming. Okay then, I guess the situation wasn't as pressing. Maybe it would take a nuked city before he decides that the poor kids will just have to go through life not knowing what happens to the little story book hero. Even though our own President took his sweet time to sort his shit, our people wanted primitive, blood drenched retribution faster than you can say Kill Bill. I was horrified after finding out it wasn't an accident, but I was too young to be demanding blood and murder. I think though if I could be there as mature as I am now, I would want every single one who was responsible dead.
When our president finally did decide to act what did he do? Did he get a crack team of the government's most advanced investigators together and find out where they were hiding, what countries were involved, who specifically should be punished? Did he rally all of America's finest warriors and lay down justice on them? Oh no, he threw us way off with an even more gung ho plan! He invaded a country that was not involved whatsoever and milked a war for eight years so that they could extract oil from their ground while the man responsible for the murders we thought we were avenging gets away to an unknown location and has done so to this very fucking day! God bless America.
The whole 9/11 scenario obviously had some pyschological impact on many god fearing Americans who up until that point were convinced wthat we were impenetrable and invincible. When this turned out to be wrong, they were scared, looking for the first person who lies and assures them that they are not in the slightest bit of trouble and we're gonna come back and show those bastards what our country music and Budweiser and Chuck Norris and red blooded culture is all about. That was Darth Bush, I mean, President Bush and Emperor Cheney, I mean, Vice President Cheney and people are still convinced that that idea was the last logical thing. They forced us into war with a less fortunate country and killed hundreds of women, children, and whole families with a cause that was anything but probable. They excused their way into a fight and what we did is the equivalent of a frat kid setting a homeless guy on fire in some alley. Honestly, the world trade center bombings, though tragic, has paled in comparison to the number of buildings we've blown to dust since 2001. There are still people who believe that Iraq, an aquaintance and partner we cheerfully stabbed in the back, is the guilty one. 9/11 also opened up a woodwork that unleashed a whirlwind of right wing fanatics who did nothing but accuse, ridicule and contradict and a flurry of left wing pussies who did nothing but complain, fall over, and let themselves get fucked. We've got Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly and Glen Beck and all the other sociapaths doing nothing but rocking the boat and crowning themselves gods, all the while trying to escape the fact that they were once the people no one wanted to talk to as children. With all this, our country has been made misguided and progressively more stupid.
I remember those eight years and how miserable I was. My mom morosely complaining about the Bush doctrine and all the pain and lies that have come with it and her lack of hope for the future left me very depressed when all I wanted was to live life carefree. Those were the days when I tried to deny politics, but it wasn't long before I was at least a little bit savvy in my arguments and I was more prone to get into them. In contrast to a lot of other peoples' opinions, it's good to know what you're talking about these days.
We were begging for hope, begging for restoration of some honor in this country. A fail safe to rescue us from a nose dive into infamy. In 2004, our only hope was John Kerry. He is smart charismatic, and a war hero (which some people had the audacity to deny) all things Bush was not. Bush still won though, due to his strangle hold over the sheeple and some trusty road blocks.
My mom was in tears. Four more years of this shit. I bottled up my anger and looked to the bright side. I told my mom myself, "At least he won't be there forever. It's just four more years." This helped her sleep a little better, but, mark my words people, nothing is ever "Just" anything, especially not four years.
Hope again arose with the latest election, okay these are not elections anymore they are only whose dick is bigger contests. Our four main spectacles were without a doubt John McCain, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin. These are the kind of people who can bring out the true colors of the little people. I saw glimmers of relief and overwhelming joy in the eyes of people out at Obama and Clinton rallies. They cared about them and understood that they were cared for. But at McCain and Palin's rallies, all I saw was an overzealous, almost violent need to win at any cost. In the end, Obama won to my utter most joy.
Since then, he has been the subject to unbelievable criticism. He has been called a socialist (despite the fact that aspects of our country has been very socialist for years), a Nazi, a racist (even though he was raised in a white family), and numerous other things that are all too illogical. I won't press the whole logic thing too much, I watch Lost for christ's sake, but it is an important factor as well as a given. The conservative party is making it a duty for all conservative citizens to totally demolish any liberal or non conservative action. God bless America. Yeah, damn that Obama for trying to get us universal healthcare. Damn him? Damn you. No, fuck you. Since when did all conservative's become the all righteous defenders of all things 20th century. It's not just stupid people, it's stupid racists. Get with the goddamn times. Your klan lost, and your nazis lost, and your confederation lost. I'm meeting people who are actually blaming Obama for the economy. Yeah, Obama is forced to clean up the last president's twin wars, sky rocketing gas prices, a recession, terrible healthcare, global warming, and a growing economic depression. Yeah this is ALL Obama's fault, even if we were in this shit before he was president. If anything, Obama's presidential ventures have shown me how fucking crazy people are and it's fuckin ridiculous. And now, people are actually trying to block a video message Obama is preparing to release to the American kids returning to school. All he wants to do, as he and his transcript have stated, is pretty much tell kids to stick to their books, and to make the right moves in school and in life. Many presidents have done this recently. But no, there must be some sort of socialist hidden message somewhere in the SEEMINGLY harmless text. Why let Obama speak when we had a great mind like George Bush telling college kids "We live in a great country where even a C student can become president." So, the point of this long ass post, my school has decided not to show students the president's message due to the requests of several right wing parents. So now my brother and I might be staying home on the day of the message so we can watch it. Suck on that, conservative action.
But for serious, WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?
This has been a short thesis on the latest pitfalls of our country from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Please be patient. My point will rise eventually. Everything that comes before it is just a build up.
George W. Bush was known for being the kind of guy you as an average citizen might know and hang out with and, I think, Barack Obama is that kind of guy too. The only two differences, 1) Barack knows what the fuck he is doing and 2) everyone thinks he is doing worse than Bush. Barack is not given enough credit. I mean seriously what is wrong with people. Here is a man whose origin is and has been cited as the very definition of the American success story. Here is a man who was the offspring of an Kenyan man and an American woman in Hawaii. Here is a man who built a beautiful family that worked together and were strong together. Here is a man who became a successful attorney and made his way to the US senate. Here is a man who began a presidential campaign being the son of a muslim, being mixed race, and still maintaining complete control over his situation. Here is man who in this campaign graced the vast crowds that gathered in the corners of our nation to listen to his moving and hope inspiring speeches (speeches that were said to resemble those of Martin Luther King or Jack Kennedy). Here is a man who won the election because he was golden and he was true blue. Here is a man who did what people 50 years ago would have called a fantasy. And now a few months later, here is a man who, due to the ignorance of the little guys he sought to lead and protect, has been outcast.
Let's have a brief trip down memory lane. Shall we start at the 2000 election, when the votes were clearly in the favor of Democratic nominee Al Gore to be the election winner and then suddenly there was a MIRACULOUS mistake that led to George Bush being the winner. Conveinent. Everyone was convinced he stole the election but justice was never enforced. And in doing so, we were dazzled by too many years of retard moments, bad decisions, confused grammer and yet another bad/manipulated election. God bless America.
Let's cut one year later. It's a beautiful September morning, then suddenly our country shakes and the world changes as two hijacked planes give the tallest American buildings a kiss. George Bush heard about this tragedy while reading to preschoolers and in a brave move he...Continued to read the children while the streets were still flaming. Okay then, I guess the situation wasn't as pressing. Maybe it would take a nuked city before he decides that the poor kids will just have to go through life not knowing what happens to the little story book hero. Even though our own President took his sweet time to sort his shit, our people wanted primitive, blood drenched retribution faster than you can say Kill Bill. I was horrified after finding out it wasn't an accident, but I was too young to be demanding blood and murder. I think though if I could be there as mature as I am now, I would want every single one who was responsible dead.
When our president finally did decide to act what did he do? Did he get a crack team of the government's most advanced investigators together and find out where they were hiding, what countries were involved, who specifically should be punished? Did he rally all of America's finest warriors and lay down justice on them? Oh no, he threw us way off with an even more gung ho plan! He invaded a country that was not involved whatsoever and milked a war for eight years so that they could extract oil from their ground while the man responsible for the murders we thought we were avenging gets away to an unknown location and has done so to this very fucking day! God bless America.
The whole 9/11 scenario obviously had some pyschological impact on many god fearing Americans who up until that point were convinced wthat we were impenetrable and invincible. When this turned out to be wrong, they were scared, looking for the first person who lies and assures them that they are not in the slightest bit of trouble and we're gonna come back and show those bastards what our country music and Budweiser and Chuck Norris and red blooded culture is all about. That was Darth Bush, I mean, President Bush and Emperor Cheney, I mean, Vice President Cheney and people are still convinced that that idea was the last logical thing. They forced us into war with a less fortunate country and killed hundreds of women, children, and whole families with a cause that was anything but probable. They excused their way into a fight and what we did is the equivalent of a frat kid setting a homeless guy on fire in some alley. Honestly, the world trade center bombings, though tragic, has paled in comparison to the number of buildings we've blown to dust since 2001. There are still people who believe that Iraq, an aquaintance and partner we cheerfully stabbed in the back, is the guilty one. 9/11 also opened up a woodwork that unleashed a whirlwind of right wing fanatics who did nothing but accuse, ridicule and contradict and a flurry of left wing pussies who did nothing but complain, fall over, and let themselves get fucked. We've got Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly and Glen Beck and all the other sociapaths doing nothing but rocking the boat and crowning themselves gods, all the while trying to escape the fact that they were once the people no one wanted to talk to as children. With all this, our country has been made misguided and progressively more stupid.
I remember those eight years and how miserable I was. My mom morosely complaining about the Bush doctrine and all the pain and lies that have come with it and her lack of hope for the future left me very depressed when all I wanted was to live life carefree. Those were the days when I tried to deny politics, but it wasn't long before I was at least a little bit savvy in my arguments and I was more prone to get into them. In contrast to a lot of other peoples' opinions, it's good to know what you're talking about these days.
We were begging for hope, begging for restoration of some honor in this country. A fail safe to rescue us from a nose dive into infamy. In 2004, our only hope was John Kerry. He is smart charismatic, and a war hero (which some people had the audacity to deny) all things Bush was not. Bush still won though, due to his strangle hold over the sheeple and some trusty road blocks.
My mom was in tears. Four more years of this shit. I bottled up my anger and looked to the bright side. I told my mom myself, "At least he won't be there forever. It's just four more years." This helped her sleep a little better, but, mark my words people, nothing is ever "Just" anything, especially not four years.
Hope again arose with the latest election, okay these are not elections anymore they are only whose dick is bigger contests. Our four main spectacles were without a doubt John McCain, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin. These are the kind of people who can bring out the true colors of the little people. I saw glimmers of relief and overwhelming joy in the eyes of people out at Obama and Clinton rallies. They cared about them and understood that they were cared for. But at McCain and Palin's rallies, all I saw was an overzealous, almost violent need to win at any cost. In the end, Obama won to my utter most joy.
Since then, he has been the subject to unbelievable criticism. He has been called a socialist (despite the fact that aspects of our country has been very socialist for years), a Nazi, a racist (even though he was raised in a white family), and numerous other things that are all too illogical. I won't press the whole logic thing too much, I watch Lost for christ's sake, but it is an important factor as well as a given. The conservative party is making it a duty for all conservative citizens to totally demolish any liberal or non conservative action. God bless America. Yeah, damn that Obama for trying to get us universal healthcare. Damn him? Damn you. No, fuck you. Since when did all conservative's become the all righteous defenders of all things 20th century. It's not just stupid people, it's stupid racists. Get with the goddamn times. Your klan lost, and your nazis lost, and your confederation lost. I'm meeting people who are actually blaming Obama for the economy. Yeah, Obama is forced to clean up the last president's twin wars, sky rocketing gas prices, a recession, terrible healthcare, global warming, and a growing economic depression. Yeah this is ALL Obama's fault, even if we were in this shit before he was president. If anything, Obama's presidential ventures have shown me how fucking crazy people are and it's fuckin ridiculous. And now, people are actually trying to block a video message Obama is preparing to release to the American kids returning to school. All he wants to do, as he and his transcript have stated, is pretty much tell kids to stick to their books, and to make the right moves in school and in life. Many presidents have done this recently. But no, there must be some sort of socialist hidden message somewhere in the SEEMINGLY harmless text. Why let Obama speak when we had a great mind like George Bush telling college kids "We live in a great country where even a C student can become president." So, the point of this long ass post, my school has decided not to show students the president's message due to the requests of several right wing parents. So now my brother and I might be staying home on the day of the message so we can watch it. Suck on that, conservative action.
But for serious, WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?
This has been a short thesis on the latest pitfalls of our country from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Input on da Hood
"Either they don't know, or don't show, or don't care about what's going on in the hood." - Dough Boy
Now I am somewhat of a fan of "hood movies". You know the movies that take place in gangsta war zone, barbecue infested, juice drenched neighborhood of Los Angeles or Detroit and sometimes even the Deep South. I'm not trying to be stereotypical, those are just the things I see in almost every one of these movies.
I like these movies, even if they aren't a favorite genre. There is always a running theme of escape and freedom. No one wants to live in the hood but they don't seem willing to leave either. There is always one character, who probably has a child, that desperately wishes he/she could leave...Even when there is nothing holding him/her back. You wanna leave? Pack up and walk away.
There are always similar characters too. There is a hardcore killer, an OG, the religious one, the wise and inspirational elder, the desperate single mother, drug addicts, and of course the confused protagonist. Not to mention that every character is a fuckin asshole or a poser. I always liked the inspirational elders, they are always played by tough guys with cool voices, such as Lawrence Fishburne (true and hilarious) and Charles S. Dutton (hardened and realistic), but surprisingly not Morgan Freeman. I never really liked the confused protagonist very much, they seem to have a mood swing every five seconds and only seem to exist to advance the plot and give us someone to relate to as a voyeur to the carnage we see.
Something else that always bothered me was that overall feeling that The Hood was a civilization all of it's own. It was always annoying when a character spouted some line like "This is how things go down in The Hood". Not to be offensive it was just weird. I mean it's shitty but you're not going to war, unless your Morris Chestnut's character. Another example would be the narration at the end of the opening scene of Menace II Society about how a simple walk in a convenience store implicated him in a double homicide and that "it's funny like that in The Hood sometimes. You never knew what was gonna happen or when." I think that can be said for anywhere, bud. That's a part of life, you don't know what's gonna happen.
But, aside from Get Rich or Die Tryin', I've liked these movies. My favorites are Hustle and Flow and, ironically, Friday. I'd say the two best however would be John Singleton's Boyz in da Hood and Allen and Albert Hughes' Menace 2 Society, the last being my favorite. Menace 2 Society shows it the most unflinching and straightforward while I thought Boyz in da Hood was made to be a bit too appealing. They are both tragic and brutal movies, but Menace 2 Society moreso. It's one of those movies with the famous scenes: The opening convenience store robbery, the hamburger junkie, the "You done fucked up" interrogation. Scenes also examine what depraved and flawed logic exist within this world: two elder gangstas give booze to a toddler and show him how to handle a loaded gun, a sociopathic gangsta replays his videotaped murder for kicks, the protagonist watches his cousin get gunned down and leaves him to die, etc. I suppose one scene from one of these movies in particular I admired was one involving a group of 3rd grade looking kids going to see a dead body at a crime scene and look on with indifferent eyes. They're reactions to it are reminiscent to someone watching "the two girls-one cup video" more than once: they do it for the sick but somehow enjoyable thrill. The scene reminded me of a toned down version of The Wild Bunch (a popular western and considered one of the most violent movies ever) opening that involved kids torturing scorpions with fire ants. The kids who weren't laughing playfully just stared unemotionally. I don't know what is worse, the ones who laugh at violence or the ones who feel nothing about it. I suppose in The Hood violence is about as meaningful as a crushed ant hill. But what do I know. I live in an Indiana ghetto. I watch Training Day or Do The Right Thing to find out what to do and what not to do in The Hood. Though I don't plan on visiting any time soon.
This has been an in depth, sort of, look at Hood Movies by Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Now I am somewhat of a fan of "hood movies". You know the movies that take place in gangsta war zone, barbecue infested, juice drenched neighborhood of Los Angeles or Detroit and sometimes even the Deep South. I'm not trying to be stereotypical, those are just the things I see in almost every one of these movies.
I like these movies, even if they aren't a favorite genre. There is always a running theme of escape and freedom. No one wants to live in the hood but they don't seem willing to leave either. There is always one character, who probably has a child, that desperately wishes he/she could leave...Even when there is nothing holding him/her back. You wanna leave? Pack up and walk away.
There are always similar characters too. There is a hardcore killer, an OG, the religious one, the wise and inspirational elder, the desperate single mother, drug addicts, and of course the confused protagonist. Not to mention that every character is a fuckin asshole or a poser. I always liked the inspirational elders, they are always played by tough guys with cool voices, such as Lawrence Fishburne (true and hilarious) and Charles S. Dutton (hardened and realistic), but surprisingly not Morgan Freeman. I never really liked the confused protagonist very much, they seem to have a mood swing every five seconds and only seem to exist to advance the plot and give us someone to relate to as a voyeur to the carnage we see.
Something else that always bothered me was that overall feeling that The Hood was a civilization all of it's own. It was always annoying when a character spouted some line like "This is how things go down in The Hood". Not to be offensive it was just weird. I mean it's shitty but you're not going to war, unless your Morris Chestnut's character. Another example would be the narration at the end of the opening scene of Menace II Society about how a simple walk in a convenience store implicated him in a double homicide and that "it's funny like that in The Hood sometimes. You never knew what was gonna happen or when." I think that can be said for anywhere, bud. That's a part of life, you don't know what's gonna happen.
But, aside from Get Rich or Die Tryin', I've liked these movies. My favorites are Hustle and Flow and, ironically, Friday. I'd say the two best however would be John Singleton's Boyz in da Hood and Allen and Albert Hughes' Menace 2 Society, the last being my favorite. Menace 2 Society shows it the most unflinching and straightforward while I thought Boyz in da Hood was made to be a bit too appealing. They are both tragic and brutal movies, but Menace 2 Society moreso. It's one of those movies with the famous scenes: The opening convenience store robbery, the hamburger junkie, the "You done fucked up" interrogation. Scenes also examine what depraved and flawed logic exist within this world: two elder gangstas give booze to a toddler and show him how to handle a loaded gun, a sociopathic gangsta replays his videotaped murder for kicks, the protagonist watches his cousin get gunned down and leaves him to die, etc. I suppose one scene from one of these movies in particular I admired was one involving a group of 3rd grade looking kids going to see a dead body at a crime scene and look on with indifferent eyes. They're reactions to it are reminiscent to someone watching "the two girls-one cup video" more than once: they do it for the sick but somehow enjoyable thrill. The scene reminded me of a toned down version of The Wild Bunch (a popular western and considered one of the most violent movies ever) opening that involved kids torturing scorpions with fire ants. The kids who weren't laughing playfully just stared unemotionally. I don't know what is worse, the ones who laugh at violence or the ones who feel nothing about it. I suppose in The Hood violence is about as meaningful as a crushed ant hill. But what do I know. I live in an Indiana ghetto. I watch Training Day or Do The Right Thing to find out what to do and what not to do in The Hood. Though I don't plan on visiting any time soon.
This has been an in depth, sort of, look at Hood Movies by Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
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