"Darkness is so predictable. Don't you think?" - Edward Cullen
No I have not read the books. No I have not seen the movie(s). Yes I did get that line off of Wikiquote. If any Twilight fans have got a problem with that I will only tell you that I can't watch the movies because I haven't read the books, and I haven't read the books because I am enjoying a different fantasy series...cough!Dark Tower!cough! But hey I needed something and I'd like that line. This is a post not really about Twilight because, frankly, if I haven't read or seen the material I can't judge too much. It's more about my thoughts on the fandom and what I think the series will be like.
Twilight. In case a Twilight fan has dared to leave you uninformed, Twilight is your usual boy meets girl-girl has low self esteem-boy is mysterious-girl can't resist boy-vice versa-boy turns out to be vampire-girl turns out to not care-they fall in love-live morbidly ever after story. Let's start off with the fans. I don't care if it's Twilight or Star Wars or Battlefield Earth (well Scientologists love it at least) or Halo or Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 or...Jesus, fans are going to be annoying one way or another. Here are the traits of your typical fan: 1) whatever they are fans of cannot possibly be bad. 2) saying it is bad is blasphemy and punishable by crucifixion or lightsaber. 3) it is more than likely the focal point of most of their conversations. 4) any reasonable arguement against the fandom will be contradicted by any means and I mean ANY MEANS. 5) they will one day, hopefully one day, grow up and look back on the time that they were fans of a particular medium and be utterly embarrassed with themselves. But in the case of Twilight, seeing how most people I know enjoy the series, fans may never stop loving the series.
Being that Twilight is a romance series, it's not a vampire-romance series because the so called creatures of the night are not vampires, girls between the ages of nine to forty-five will respond positively to it.
I'm not trying to start an arguement, but based on what my Twilight loving friends have told me the "vampire" characters seem to rarely show any signs of vampirism: instead of burning in the sunlight they merely sparkle, I guess there are like two of them who actually drink human blood, and they have some kind of intoxicating beauty. Actually the intoxicating beauty part may have always existed, why else were all of those girls lunging there throats at Dracula and Lestat. Still, until I see some evidence of vampirism, I'm just calling them the Immortal Sparklers.
Back to the fans. They are enthusiastic to say the least. I can't imagine why there were people at Comic Con '09 dressed as characters because the characters seemed to have dressed like normal people. Oh and Robert Pattinson's hair doesn't count because you aren't dressing as Edward Cullen you are dressing as Robert Pattinson. The romance aspect of the story will catch many girls' attention and give them that "oh my gorsh it's so sweet" feeling. But from what I've been told and what I've read it sounds pretty hollow. Apparently throughout the novel the narrator and main protagonist Bella Swan is doing nothing but describing the appearance of her beloved Immortal Sparkler Edward Cullen. That's not a developing romance, that's a description for blind people. I don't think romance is the real attention grabber of Twilight, gazing into eyes isn't romance and talking about being together isn't romance and a description of how irresistable someone is isn't romance.
The real attention grabber of Twilight is hot guys. I have never heard any Twilight fan talk about how romantic Twilight is in the context of the story. This leads me to believe there is not actual romance. What they do talk about though is Edward Cullen or the actor who portrays him, Robert Pattinson and how attractive he is. The negative reviews for New Moon have described it as porn for women pure and simple. And due to fan clarification that seems to be what it is. I could've guessed that would be the case when watching the New Moon trailer, all it seems to be is a shirtless and pale Edward Cullen, a shirtless and muscley tan Jacob Black, or his equally shirtless and muscley tan clan of "dogs" (those don't look like werewolves to me, those look like goddamn anamorphs). Sure you've got the hotness of Kristen Stewart, who a lot of people think is repetitive and sucks but not me. It still doesn't catch my interest anymore.
What originally caught my interest, other than the awesome book cover art, was what I first heard about Twilight: it was to be a vampire-romance novel, two genres I enjoy and would not have minded involving myself with. Then the fandom and the news came along. From what has been revealed, Twilight shows vampires in an image that doesn't appeal to me, has stalled if not soap operaish romance and is more frequently classified as chick porn. So yeah, as of right now I'm kind of uninterested.
I will read the series one day when the time feels right. The Dark Tower is too much fun for me. Even in the vast intricate universe of The Dark Tower series there is time for good romance: the main character Roland has a brief romance in the beginning, the relationship is mercenary but involving still as he could not care too much about anyone as anyone would have to be shed emotionlessly from his life for the sake of his mission. In the second book there is a very good romance between two newly introduced characters, to each other and the reader, Eddie Dean and the woman then called Odetta Holmes. In just a few pages you can tell just how much these two people care for each other and need each other and begin to fall in love. It is very effective and convincing. And this relationship has a conflict too, being that Eddie is a recovering drug addict and Odetta has a homicidal multiple personality. Twilight fans, once the euphoria of that series wears off and if you are interested begin reading The Dark Tower series. God help you when The Dark Tower comes to the big screen, then all of the fans I had to hear huddling together giggling about Twilight will have to endure me as I rave about The Dark Tower's epicness.
So in the end, I won't have a real problem with Twilight until I've read the series. I am still skeptical though. Fans enjoy your series, I look forward to your banter of the future movie adaptations. Peace out.
This has been my thoughts on Immortal Sparkler hype of Twilight from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Obama: respectful and PROUD OF IT
"Never gonna stop, yeah, never gonna stop." - Rob Zombie
The most recent bashing of Obama's integrity comes in the form of, of all things, a sign of respect to foreign neighbors. In greeting the Japanese Emperor and his wife, Barack Obama gave the cultural bow as I thought would have been expected. But no. The media has something else to critique Barack Obama about. He is being insulted for respecting a person's culture, not just a person but the Emperor of Japan. That is someone you pull out all stops for just like he would do for the American President himself I'm sure if on our soil.
It's just another distraction, just something else to bitch about. I think the bad ass US Representative Alan Grayson made it perfectly and honestly clear that whatever Obama does is going to be received negatively, be it "ending world hunger" or "building world peace". I guess it's the way hardcore Christianists believe will happen to nonbelievers: you could save the world ten times over and still go to hell. When it comes to Obama these days it's you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. That is an unacceptable way to treat the President of the United States. Sure I hated the hell out of George Bush but I did not beat the piss out of everything he did, I mean there was a small eight percent of things he might've done right.
People are stupid. I know that is a pretty plain and kind of juvenile way of putting it but it's true. Most people these days can't find actual things to get angry about. It's all bullshit things that even the least clever person in the world wouldn't use as comeback lines. Now that shit's pathetic.
Please god, don't let people get any dumber as the years go by.
This has been another case of American idiocy, and more to come from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
The most recent bashing of Obama's integrity comes in the form of, of all things, a sign of respect to foreign neighbors. In greeting the Japanese Emperor and his wife, Barack Obama gave the cultural bow as I thought would have been expected. But no. The media has something else to critique Barack Obama about. He is being insulted for respecting a person's culture, not just a person but the Emperor of Japan. That is someone you pull out all stops for just like he would do for the American President himself I'm sure if on our soil.
It's just another distraction, just something else to bitch about. I think the bad ass US Representative Alan Grayson made it perfectly and honestly clear that whatever Obama does is going to be received negatively, be it "ending world hunger" or "building world peace". I guess it's the way hardcore Christianists believe will happen to nonbelievers: you could save the world ten times over and still go to hell. When it comes to Obama these days it's you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. That is an unacceptable way to treat the President of the United States. Sure I hated the hell out of George Bush but I did not beat the piss out of everything he did, I mean there was a small eight percent of things he might've done right.
People are stupid. I know that is a pretty plain and kind of juvenile way of putting it but it's true. Most people these days can't find actual things to get angry about. It's all bullshit things that even the least clever person in the world wouldn't use as comeback lines. Now that shit's pathetic.
Please god, don't let people get any dumber as the years go by.
This has been another case of American idiocy, and more to come from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The US Government presents: results!
"Ha ha!" - Nelson Muntz
About a month ago, NASA scientists launched a device to the moon's surface. This device would then clarify as to whether or not the moon has water, seeing as how it has ice, and it having water could mean life could possibly exist on the planet in the future. Perhaps life could have even existed there millions of years ago. It was very crucial and exciting news.
Of course the majority of Americans did not know that this was NASA's intention. Oh no, no, no they thought NASA was trying to do something even better with millions of tax payers dollars: see how big of a fucking explosion they could cause on the Moon. Of course they were absolutely pissed when our vision of the device's missile impact did little more than raise a cloud of dust and debris. They were expecting a huge, flaming, MICHAEL BAY EXPLOSION. And of course the majority of Americans failed to realize that there can't be a huge, flaming, Michael Bay explosion in space because there is no oxygen in space. With that, everyone in America was pretty disappointed with the "failed" experiment. But they were wrong the experiment has as of late been a success as the device has supplied NASA with true information that the Moon does indeed have water.
For this I say WHAT NOW BITCHES?
Finally a recent scientific discovery that the world can actually give a shit about. While driving our cars to the Moon may be a little ways into the future, a Moon station, or possibly colonization, might not be that far fetched in years to come. This is really cool stuff, but sadly all those explosion enthusiasts have probably written off this NASA experiment a month ago as "FAIL", "EPIC FAIL", "WHAT THE HELL, I WOKE UP EIGHT HOURS EARLIER FOR THIS BULLSHIT!" And those people are the morons who will be like "WHAAAA" when they discover that NASA, consisting of some of the greatest minds in the world, wasn't all that interested in blowing shit up on the Moon. What fun would they have blowing shit up on the Moon when they're having so much fun finding new ways to blow shit up on Earth?
This has been an important scientific update from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
About a month ago, NASA scientists launched a device to the moon's surface. This device would then clarify as to whether or not the moon has water, seeing as how it has ice, and it having water could mean life could possibly exist on the planet in the future. Perhaps life could have even existed there millions of years ago. It was very crucial and exciting news.
Of course the majority of Americans did not know that this was NASA's intention. Oh no, no, no they thought NASA was trying to do something even better with millions of tax payers dollars: see how big of a fucking explosion they could cause on the Moon. Of course they were absolutely pissed when our vision of the device's missile impact did little more than raise a cloud of dust and debris. They were expecting a huge, flaming, MICHAEL BAY EXPLOSION. And of course the majority of Americans failed to realize that there can't be a huge, flaming, Michael Bay explosion in space because there is no oxygen in space. With that, everyone in America was pretty disappointed with the "failed" experiment. But they were wrong the experiment has as of late been a success as the device has supplied NASA with true information that the Moon does indeed have water.
For this I say WHAT NOW BITCHES?
Finally a recent scientific discovery that the world can actually give a shit about. While driving our cars to the Moon may be a little ways into the future, a Moon station, or possibly colonization, might not be that far fetched in years to come. This is really cool stuff, but sadly all those explosion enthusiasts have probably written off this NASA experiment a month ago as "FAIL", "EPIC FAIL", "WHAT THE HELL, I WOKE UP EIGHT HOURS EARLIER FOR THIS BULLSHIT!" And those people are the morons who will be like "WHAAAA" when they discover that NASA, consisting of some of the greatest minds in the world, wasn't all that interested in blowing shit up on the Moon. What fun would they have blowing shit up on the Moon when they're having so much fun finding new ways to blow shit up on Earth?
This has been an important scientific update from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Evil little babies...Wait what?
"My name is Michael J. Caboose and I hate BABIES!!!" - Michael J. Caboose
Has the Republican Party just become a total circus this year. A Democrat is in office for less than a year and the whole massive conservative forces have already converted to some scorched earth insanity that not even Adolf Hitler could comprehend. If anyone thinks a Hitler statement in relation to the Republican Party is too much, I will clear myself by advising you to look at their drone army rallies with posters of Obama as Hitler. But I digress.
The latest case of a conservative dick move comes from Arizona House Representative John Shedegg. Instead of just acting like a self righteous bullshitter like every other Republican, he throws something unexpected on to the table: a baby. Yes, he has his infant granddaughter in The House of Representatives as a ploy to get his point across of the new healthcare plan as being evil, or socialist, or faschist, or whatever. He goes on using the oblivious little girl as a tool, saying "she" doesn't want her parents to have the Government in charge of their healthcare. "She" doesn't want their hands in her miniature pockets. "She" doesn't want them to take her bottle. So on and so bullshit.
Well Rep. Shedegg, in the future SHE probably will be infuriated that she was used as a prop for the a political party supporting something that screws over thousands of Americans every day. SHE would be more passionate about an episode of Dora the Explorer or Barney rather than a dull as hell political meeting. SHE can't even speak right now, so I think SHE doesn't support much of any cause right now. And I think SHE, a child, shouldn't be used as a card you play to pull the wings off of a fly.
I know all of you people out there, ultra conservative or not, will be literally in AWE of this baby. That is the desired effect: you know what the guy is there to say, what his opinion is and so on, then throw in a baby, something cute and cuddly to tug at your heart strings meanwhile Mr. White Cuffs talks about how this new healthcare plan will rape her and her children in the future. After that your sold and they win.
Look at the baby. The whole time, the baby isn't deeply enthralled or moved by her grampika's speech. She's fumbling around with the microphone. Other than the fact that babies are naturally clingy, my best guess as to why she is trying to Kanye West that microphone is because she is desperately trying to sabotage the speech. Babies cry when they see Ronald McDonald; this kid is in a room full of old, gray white guys whose skin sag like a full grocery bag (yay rhymes), not to mention one of them talking loudly into a microphone right by her ears. Not even a whimper out of the kid. Either they are holding her blankey hostage or the Republican Party threatened to have the conservative media brand her "Leftist Baby".
This whole negatively received fiasco has only strengthened my theory that the Republican Party has no shame when it comes to the schoolyard bully tactics that they call politics. Perhaps one day when the adrenaline dies down, these assholes will realize that some things simply must be done. I end off by giving my sympathies to the poor infant child subjected to an idea against something that could be the first step to helping people in the future.
This has been a entry of madness from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Has the Republican Party just become a total circus this year. A Democrat is in office for less than a year and the whole massive conservative forces have already converted to some scorched earth insanity that not even Adolf Hitler could comprehend. If anyone thinks a Hitler statement in relation to the Republican Party is too much, I will clear myself by advising you to look at their drone army rallies with posters of Obama as Hitler. But I digress.
The latest case of a conservative dick move comes from Arizona House Representative John Shedegg. Instead of just acting like a self righteous bullshitter like every other Republican, he throws something unexpected on to the table: a baby. Yes, he has his infant granddaughter in The House of Representatives as a ploy to get his point across of the new healthcare plan as being evil, or socialist, or faschist, or whatever. He goes on using the oblivious little girl as a tool, saying "she" doesn't want her parents to have the Government in charge of their healthcare. "She" doesn't want their hands in her miniature pockets. "She" doesn't want them to take her bottle. So on and so bullshit.
Well Rep. Shedegg, in the future SHE probably will be infuriated that she was used as a prop for the a political party supporting something that screws over thousands of Americans every day. SHE would be more passionate about an episode of Dora the Explorer or Barney rather than a dull as hell political meeting. SHE can't even speak right now, so I think SHE doesn't support much of any cause right now. And I think SHE, a child, shouldn't be used as a card you play to pull the wings off of a fly.
I know all of you people out there, ultra conservative or not, will be literally in AWE of this baby. That is the desired effect: you know what the guy is there to say, what his opinion is and so on, then throw in a baby, something cute and cuddly to tug at your heart strings meanwhile Mr. White Cuffs talks about how this new healthcare plan will rape her and her children in the future. After that your sold and they win.
Look at the baby. The whole time, the baby isn't deeply enthralled or moved by her grampika's speech. She's fumbling around with the microphone. Other than the fact that babies are naturally clingy, my best guess as to why she is trying to Kanye West that microphone is because she is desperately trying to sabotage the speech. Babies cry when they see Ronald McDonald; this kid is in a room full of old, gray white guys whose skin sag like a full grocery bag (yay rhymes), not to mention one of them talking loudly into a microphone right by her ears. Not even a whimper out of the kid. Either they are holding her blankey hostage or the Republican Party threatened to have the conservative media brand her "Leftist Baby".
This whole negatively received fiasco has only strengthened my theory that the Republican Party has no shame when it comes to the schoolyard bully tactics that they call politics. Perhaps one day when the adrenaline dies down, these assholes will realize that some things simply must be done. I end off by giving my sympathies to the poor infant child subjected to an idea against something that could be the first step to helping people in the future.
This has been a entry of madness from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Summing Up Halloween
"Death has come to your little town." - Dr. Sam Loomis
Okay I know I'm posting this a few days after Halloween, but I have to get this under way before I move onto to other things. The Halloween horror franchise has probably stretched itself out as far as it will go unless there is another reboot in the future. Aside from Rob Zombie's continuation of his remake, I have watched every Halloween movie to date. My opinions on them were strong when I was a kid because as a kid I was really into the slasher film franchises but now as I've matured and grown out of them mostly I have different views. So to end my Horror Season I will Sum Up the Halloween Franchise.
BEGIN!!!
Halloween (1978):
Holy god that was awesomely scary, but did he really get his eye jabbed out.
Halloween II (1981):
That was pretty good. Michael must've retreated to a nearby house after he got shot to watch Friday the 13th and thought to himself "Okay my approach only catches me knives, bullets, hangers, and balconies. Maybe Mrs. Voorhees had the right idea." Yeah, he found out, as did Mrs. Voorhees, that this never turns out in their favor. PS I think Laurie has a fetish for taking Michael's eyes.
Halloween III:
...What the hell?
Halloween 4 The Return of Michael Myers:
Okay how did Michael AND Dr. Loomis survive being caught in the eye of an explosion? I can see Michael with his whole "purely and simply evil" thing but Loomis is a man. And old. At least Michael is scary again. Nice cliffhanger, if this were Lost someone would've had to have been like "WHAT?" PS I guess the explosion blew Michaels eyes back into their sockets because last time I checked sister Laurie put a bullet in each one.
Halloween 5 The Revenge of Michael Myers:
Well this was just weird. Let me get this straight, Michael's survives what might be his biggest barrage of gunfire, a fall down a mineshaft, a dive in the river, and a long foodless coma only to be reawakened near Halloween via a telepathic link to his catatonic niece only to go on another killing spree, get caught like an escaped zoo attraction by Dr. Loomis and thrown in jail only to be rescued by a machine gun toting man in black who has been showing up in the background throughout the movie? Okay filmmakers, you got me. Guess I have to watch the next movie.
Halloween 6 The Origin of Michael Myers:
Alright now they've just gone comic book soap opera on us, they've Heroesed us. Consider for a moment that Dr. Loomis got it all wrong in the first movie. Yeah, Michael Myers was never simply an inherently evil psychopath, he was the product of long held cult prophecy. His murderous rampage and desire to exterminate his family was driven not by his own impulses but because if he didn't a generation of cult people would not flourish. And to boot Michael is apparently made to impregnate his niece and then kill her brutally. And somehow the new descendants of Laurie Strode's adopted family become involved due to the fact that they are living in Michael's home. AND a still living Dr. Loomis has teamed up with a character played by Paul Rudd of all people to defeat Michael and the cult. In the end we get some pretty good scares, a plot that ruins the mythos and an awesome final fight between Michael Myers and the Paul Rudd character...Betcha ten bucks Michael isn't dead at the end.
Halloween H20:
Brother and sister. Hero and villain. Laurie and Michael. A last showdown, a fight to the death in the majestic halls of...A college campus. Okay this movie is not that great. By the end we get Michael being bludgeoned with fists by Josh Hartnett, bludgeoned with a rock by Michelle Williams, and fucked up in every way shape or form by our uber badass Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh and among the bodies you'll find LL Cool J and Joseph Gordon Levitt. And my god, I think they've actually ended this thing. I think it's finally over. He's dead, the William Shatner looking son of a bitch is dead! Oh there is a god, there is a-
Halloween Resurrection:
-Oh son of a bitch, really it was the ambulance driver under the mask. I know Michael is crafty but I really don't think he'd be smart enough to pull off crushing a guy's larynx, switching outfits, and convince everyone else the other guy's him. I guess Michael can tell the future. Oh but wait, we open with another bad ass showdown between Michael and Laurie in the majestic halls of...a mental institution. I think this movie is going somewhere. Oh but wait, Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are leading a reality TV show group into the Myers house. Now THAT sounds like a story, yeah you can just write off Laurie's entire arc. Essentially Michael is just killing people with no real motive other than the fact that they are on his turf. Resurrection is a comedy, watching a wise cracking Busta Rhymes run circles around Michael Myers with karate moves is just hilarious. BUT DOES HE LIVE! Refer back to the last six pointless sequels and you'll have your answer.
Halloween (2007):
Rob Zombie hits and misses equally. The first half of the movie is a darkly unique look of what could have been (but what I didn't think should be) Michael Myers' past and descent into murder and his relationship with Dr. Loomis. The second half however is the remake and it sucks. After realizing he could only crowbar in about 10 percent of character development for our original but totally model worthy girls, Rob decides to just take the easy route with a remaining 90 percent of gore, tits, and screaming. Yes, there is more screaming in the last half of the movie than there is dialogue and that's not a good thing. Rob succeeds at making Michael The Shape a bit more interesting than just a slow walk and stab but really the character was created as a one dimensional force of nature, an evil force. That was John Carpenter's intention and I think that's better than the product of a dysfunctional white trash family. They should've explained Michael's father, maybe his father was a killer too. But no all we get is Jenny from Forrest Gump topless telling us that daddy Myers "is in heaven." Bullshit, man. Bullshit.
Well that's Halloween for ya. If you're a fan of the slasher genre, go ahead and have fun watching the whole series. It keeps your interest just a little bit and with Michael on the screen it's hard not to be tensed up. But if you want my opinion, stop at the first Halloween. I know it has an open ending but that's what is so fun about it. I think Michael getting shot and then disappearing into the night is better than Michael getting shot and disappearing into the night only to later be blown up in a hospital only later to be gunned down by cops only later to be the product of a cult's diabolical plan while hunting down and knocking up and killing his neice only later to hunt down and kill his sister only later to have his ass kicked and burned alive by Busta Rhymes and then somehow turned into a white trash dilenquint in a Rob Zombie reimagining. Wow that's a mouthful.
This has been another issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Okay I know I'm posting this a few days after Halloween, but I have to get this under way before I move onto to other things. The Halloween horror franchise has probably stretched itself out as far as it will go unless there is another reboot in the future. Aside from Rob Zombie's continuation of his remake, I have watched every Halloween movie to date. My opinions on them were strong when I was a kid because as a kid I was really into the slasher film franchises but now as I've matured and grown out of them mostly I have different views. So to end my Horror Season I will Sum Up the Halloween Franchise.
BEGIN!!!
Halloween (1978):
Holy god that was awesomely scary, but did he really get his eye jabbed out.
Halloween II (1981):
That was pretty good. Michael must've retreated to a nearby house after he got shot to watch Friday the 13th and thought to himself "Okay my approach only catches me knives, bullets, hangers, and balconies. Maybe Mrs. Voorhees had the right idea." Yeah, he found out, as did Mrs. Voorhees, that this never turns out in their favor. PS I think Laurie has a fetish for taking Michael's eyes.
Halloween III:
...What the hell?
Halloween 4 The Return of Michael Myers:
Okay how did Michael AND Dr. Loomis survive being caught in the eye of an explosion? I can see Michael with his whole "purely and simply evil" thing but Loomis is a man. And old. At least Michael is scary again. Nice cliffhanger, if this were Lost someone would've had to have been like "WHAT?" PS I guess the explosion blew Michaels eyes back into their sockets because last time I checked sister Laurie put a bullet in each one.
Halloween 5 The Revenge of Michael Myers:
Well this was just weird. Let me get this straight, Michael's survives what might be his biggest barrage of gunfire, a fall down a mineshaft, a dive in the river, and a long foodless coma only to be reawakened near Halloween via a telepathic link to his catatonic niece only to go on another killing spree, get caught like an escaped zoo attraction by Dr. Loomis and thrown in jail only to be rescued by a machine gun toting man in black who has been showing up in the background throughout the movie? Okay filmmakers, you got me. Guess I have to watch the next movie.
Halloween 6 The Origin of Michael Myers:
Alright now they've just gone comic book soap opera on us, they've Heroesed us. Consider for a moment that Dr. Loomis got it all wrong in the first movie. Yeah, Michael Myers was never simply an inherently evil psychopath, he was the product of long held cult prophecy. His murderous rampage and desire to exterminate his family was driven not by his own impulses but because if he didn't a generation of cult people would not flourish. And to boot Michael is apparently made to impregnate his niece and then kill her brutally. And somehow the new descendants of Laurie Strode's adopted family become involved due to the fact that they are living in Michael's home. AND a still living Dr. Loomis has teamed up with a character played by Paul Rudd of all people to defeat Michael and the cult. In the end we get some pretty good scares, a plot that ruins the mythos and an awesome final fight between Michael Myers and the Paul Rudd character...Betcha ten bucks Michael isn't dead at the end.
Halloween H20:
Brother and sister. Hero and villain. Laurie and Michael. A last showdown, a fight to the death in the majestic halls of...A college campus. Okay this movie is not that great. By the end we get Michael being bludgeoned with fists by Josh Hartnett, bludgeoned with a rock by Michelle Williams, and fucked up in every way shape or form by our uber badass Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh and among the bodies you'll find LL Cool J and Joseph Gordon Levitt. And my god, I think they've actually ended this thing. I think it's finally over. He's dead, the William Shatner looking son of a bitch is dead! Oh there is a god, there is a-
Halloween Resurrection:
-Oh son of a bitch, really it was the ambulance driver under the mask. I know Michael is crafty but I really don't think he'd be smart enough to pull off crushing a guy's larynx, switching outfits, and convince everyone else the other guy's him. I guess Michael can tell the future. Oh but wait, we open with another bad ass showdown between Michael and Laurie in the majestic halls of...a mental institution. I think this movie is going somewhere. Oh but wait, Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are leading a reality TV show group into the Myers house. Now THAT sounds like a story, yeah you can just write off Laurie's entire arc. Essentially Michael is just killing people with no real motive other than the fact that they are on his turf. Resurrection is a comedy, watching a wise cracking Busta Rhymes run circles around Michael Myers with karate moves is just hilarious. BUT DOES HE LIVE! Refer back to the last six pointless sequels and you'll have your answer.
Halloween (2007):
Rob Zombie hits and misses equally. The first half of the movie is a darkly unique look of what could have been (but what I didn't think should be) Michael Myers' past and descent into murder and his relationship with Dr. Loomis. The second half however is the remake and it sucks. After realizing he could only crowbar in about 10 percent of character development for our original but totally model worthy girls, Rob decides to just take the easy route with a remaining 90 percent of gore, tits, and screaming. Yes, there is more screaming in the last half of the movie than there is dialogue and that's not a good thing. Rob succeeds at making Michael The Shape a bit more interesting than just a slow walk and stab but really the character was created as a one dimensional force of nature, an evil force. That was John Carpenter's intention and I think that's better than the product of a dysfunctional white trash family. They should've explained Michael's father, maybe his father was a killer too. But no all we get is Jenny from Forrest Gump topless telling us that daddy Myers "is in heaven." Bullshit, man. Bullshit.
Well that's Halloween for ya. If you're a fan of the slasher genre, go ahead and have fun watching the whole series. It keeps your interest just a little bit and with Michael on the screen it's hard not to be tensed up. But if you want my opinion, stop at the first Halloween. I know it has an open ending but that's what is so fun about it. I think Michael getting shot and then disappearing into the night is better than Michael getting shot and disappearing into the night only to later be blown up in a hospital only later to be gunned down by cops only later to be the product of a cult's diabolical plan while hunting down and knocking up and killing his neice only later to hunt down and kill his sister only later to have his ass kicked and burned alive by Busta Rhymes and then somehow turned into a white trash dilenquint in a Rob Zombie reimagining. Wow that's a mouthful.
This has been another issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
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