Movie Trailers 3

Round 3 of my summing up of some recent trailers that have come to light. I will of course give my opinion, so you can judge from that and ask yourself whether you might want to see these movies. Not much more to say, so here we go.

DUE DATE:
Though this movie has Robert Downey, Jr. and Jamie Fox, who are both terrific, and Zach Galifinakias (know I'm spelling that wrong) who is pretty damn funny, I think this looks kinda lame. I mean I'm getting used to trailers showcasing 70 percent of the freaking movie, but when it gives away what looks like every good joke or surprise, how do you expect me to keep interest. That and some of the lines, mostly from Galifinakias, just seem totally weak. Still these guys are capable of great comedy and a lot of this does look funny. I don't know whether or not I should try this out, though I know a great many will.

THE DILEMMA:
I was very surprised to find this was a Ron Howard film; then again, I guess he did do How The Grinch Stole Christmas time upon a once. Still this looks pretty good, Vince Vaughn and Kevin James play two best friends who love the fact they have the perfect double date thing going on with their two perfect wives, Jennifer Connelly (son of a bitch!) and Wynona Ryder (son of a bitch!). It is perfect only until Vaughn discovers Ryder is having an affair with a younger man (Channing Tatum, for you ladies) behind James' back. This has the makings of a good movie because The Dilemma actually has a good dilemma; should Vaughn tell James about his wife's infidelity? Would it be a betrayal to tell him the truth and destroy a marriage or to say nothing and let the deception last? There are even guns and fist fights in the movie. It has potential. The only downsides are the majority of the trailer is devoted to a bad case of poison ivy Vaughn gets in the film that screws up his bladder (it was kinda funny though because it seemed like Vaughn was trying to stay on the primary dilemma). And secondly, how do these two seriously get such hot wives; and it's not just in this movie, they have a damn track record (Vaughn in Wedding Crashers and Old School, James in King of Queens and Hitch). Maybe chicks really do like guys who are just funny. Maybe Seth MacFarlane and Judd Apatow's frequent pairing of babes with slobs is rubbing off on our culture. If so, there's gonna be a great many lucky guys in this world.

TANGLED:
An upcoming Disney animated film, Tangled seems to be taking that old fairy tale story of Rapunzel and throwing into, well, the Disney style. Our heroine with the elongated hair and our hero who climbs up the elongated hair begin in that Han and Leia phase it seems and their adventure begins as hijinks ensue. Though the trailer gives way too much away, leaves no real mystery to how the story will play out, and it even pretty cliche at times, it still looks really fun and funny. With the voices of Zachary Levi and Mandy Moore in the leads, I think Tangled could be a very enjoyable Disney movie.

THE TEMPEST:

The Tempest right off looks like a movie I will like. I love new takes on old classics. Though I've read very little Shakespeare, his work is kind of alluring, and this is his last work so there's that as well. The stories can be revised in so many unique ways. The story features several colorful and unique characters as they get into misadventures on a tropical island (a storyline I am in no way familiar with). Many of the characters seem to be terrorized or manipulated by the sorceress Prospera (Helen Mirren, playing what was originally a male character). A great cast is in this: David Straitherin, Alan Cumming, Chris Cooper, and Bill Conti play Prospera's apparent shady victims; Russell Brand and Alfred Molina play a couple of weird, idiotic, but mostly hedonistic wanderers; Ben Whisha is a violent supernatural entity; and Djimoun Honsou is Prospera's eccentric island rival Caliban. The director is Julie Taymor, who directed another revisionist Shakespeare story, Titus, to much acclaim. This looks pretty good, engrossing. Some thought provoking fantasy perhaps, with themes defined as only Shakespeare could.

THE TOURIST:

This looks like a good thriller again because of the cast. Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, and Paul Bettany. Depp plays a regular tourist seduced by an alluring femme fatale (Jolie) into a North by Northwest type of scenario, while a determined agent (Bettany) strives to solve this mystery. The trailer gets the fundamentals in: Depp is seduced, framed, on the run, and yet still can't seem to not trust Jolie (well as good as she looks neither would I), but the nature of what is happening isn't clearly stated. Still it looks witty and action packed, not to mention well directed. It's got people I like saying and doing things I think are cool. I like the fact that Depp is being the nervous Cary Grant character while Jolie is the mysterious badass, when first hearing about the film I thought it'd be the other way around (either that or a Mr. and Mrs. Smith type movie); I suppose, though, Depp is more fun when he's frantic and Jolie is more fun when she's luscious and lethal. Might have to check it out sometime.

LEGACY:

Legacy looks like my kind of thriller. Suspenseful, enigmatic, claustrophobic, good action, intriguing performers, and an interesting story. The plot involves an ex-black ops commando (Idris Elba) on the run from bad guys and possibly even his old comrades. He is held up in a hotel room, living in fear, and being contacted by various people, including an old lover, friends, journalists, and his politician brother. The trailer isn't loud and action packed (though there is action scenes), it is more atmospheric and visual friendly. It gets the fundamentals down but makes them intriguing; I'm invested in Elba's character just watching the trailer, that's the mark of a good trailer. This looks like the first time I will really enjoy Idris Elba's acting, I've seen a few of his movies and his fine performance as Stringer on The Wire, but this is one where he looks particularly intriguing. Clarke Peters from The Wire is also in the movie, so that's awesome too. I am very interested, it looks intense as hell.

YOGI BEAR:

...This is not my expertise. Well, kids are gonna like it I suppose. They got Dan Ackroyd and Justin Timberlake as Yogi and Booboo. So that's weird, but they seem to be pulling it off. From a kid's point of view this probably looks like some good cheesy fun with talking animated animals, but my adult mind is telling me this could either pan out as decent children's film or The Country Bears 2 (shudder).

THE DEBT:

Here might be a really thrilling thriller aka espionage actioner. The story deals with two timelines, one which deals with young Mossad operatives (Jessica Chastain, Sam Worthington, Martin Csokas) who are on a secret mission to capture a Nazi war criminal in the 1960s. The other timeline focuses on the now older operatives (Helen Mirren, Ciarin Hinds, Tom Wilkinson) in the present as they are revered for their actions during the mission. I think the main plot comes about when proof arises that they actually made a horrible mistake during the mission (which we will no doubt so play out in the past) and have to make sure whatever secret they kept stays kept. The Debt looks intense, shadowy, and subtle, a bit like Legacy. Plus there are actors here that I like, which you've been and will keep hearing a lot.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS:

Okay, I've never been that interested in the Harry Potter series, book or film. I stopped watching around the fourth or fifth film because it was just kinda repetitive to me. Maybe I will follow up and watch the whole damn series at some point, like I plan to do with Twilight. Still no matter what old reservations I have for this series, this trailer looks epic as hell. I don't even know what the hell is going on but it looks cool. I only know that the pivotal fight that they were building up to since Philosopher's Stone between Harry and Lord Voldemort is gonna come to a head. A friend once described the ending of the book series to me, because these kinds of fans can't help it, and I had a hard time understanding (and this is the guy who thought Lost made sense). Still with cool visuals, locations, special effects, and a cast of just about every European actor or actress I adore, and of course a series fans around the world are in love with, I don't think this movie can go wrong.

SKYLINE:

Okay, this is one of my many cases where the teaser trailer for the film looks far greater than the theatrical trailer. Remember Inception's teaser which gave little to no clue as to what the movie was gonna be about, just that it was gonna be freaking amazing? Yeah, that's what I mean. Both trailers feature city-folk looking up in awe as alien ships begin hovering over every other roof everywhere, open up those doors of theirs, and start sucking people in. Now you just leave it at that, I'm in. But the theatrical came along and ruined that image. It keeps the image and a few other cool visuals, but then it goes on into clear bad acting, overly cliche story, and action that crosses War of the Worlds with Snakes on a Plane. It has actors I like, sure, like the underutilized Eric Balfour, Donald Faison from Scrubs, and the great David Zayas from Dexter, but even they don't seem to be saving this movie. The monster effects are shit too. So yeah, Skyline, you had me going there for a second, then you just went and cheesed it up. Hope I'm wrong.

THE ROOMMATE:

Single White Female much? This is indeed a pretty clear remake of Barbet Schroeder's Single White Female, only set in a college campus. So our recently crowned Sexiest Woman Alive, Minka Kelly, stars as a new student in your standard dream movie college. She has a nice roommate, Rebecca (Leighton Meester), goes to flashy night clubs, and even has a cute guy (Cam Gigandet). It all seems perfect, until it turns out her roommate is obessessed with her and will do anything to keep her for herself. Then the horror, oh the horror, begins. Though this trailer has some really intense and scary moments, it is hard to take seriously. I can handle the spiritual remake aspect mostly because I haven't seen Single White Female, but you know the story. For one thing, key scares from classic horror movies and thrillers are rehashed here; the Rebecca chick fades in out of darkness behind the heroine like Michael did in Halloween, stabs a guy to death during sex like in Basic Instinct, there is that cool "Go check it out!" shot taken from The Shining, then of course the trademark stalker stare. Also, I can't take Leighton Meester, the uppercrust Blair from Gossip Girl, as a friendless psycho. Why? She is hot as hell, even when trying not to be; more like 200 friends on Facebook. Oh yeah and for us guys there is apparently a kiss scene between Kelly and Meester (there's something to look forward to). The thing that really freaked me out is that my friend is in college and her roommate was a chick named Rebecca (watch your back, jk jk).

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN:

This looks like a grindhouse movie that'll put the actual Grindhouse movie in it's shadow. Hobo with a Shotgun is based off of the Canadian faux trailer submitted to Grindhouse for its collection of faux trailers. Now it has evolved into a full blown, crazy ass movie. The movie looks like a collection of hardcore violence and action. It puts Rutger Hauer as the Hobo in a city that is on a fast track to Fallout 3 territory. He finds a shotgun, sees the violence corrupting his world, has nothing better to do. The choice looks simple. So we pit the Hobo against the cities worst and it looks like cartoonishly graphic exploitation at its strangest. I mean, I really don't know whether to watch it or shy away from it. It looks too crazy actually, but in a good way. The one thing that really sells me on it is Rutger Hauer, an actor who will never cease to be intimidating and awesome. The trailer mainly features a monologue he gives to a hospital nursery full of newborn babies, as he bitterly laments their likely bad futures. It'll be good just to see him be a badass again. I am pumped as hell.

THE GOON:

Based off of the popular comic book (which I've not read unfortunately), The Goon is an animated film that will feature too cartoonish but nevertheless badass partners, the musclebound and gruff Goon (Clancy Brown) and the stout and talkative Franky (Paul Giamatti) as they go to work fighting supernatural forces. The trailer shows their daily activities: passing beers and playing games around a bar, killing zombies, and looking back on the old days when vices weren't as messy. The last featuring The Goon and Franky piling through a street filled with zombies, firing off tommy guns and swinging baseball bats to the sound of country rock sold me. It is also being produced by David Fincher. It looks like a fun, graphic, and clever little movie.

SUCKER PUNCH:

From the mind of Zach Snyder, here comes a movie that looks freaking awesome but doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I won't try to describe Snyder's premise so here's some things featured in the trailer that will catch people's interest: guns, swords, WWII, mental patients, gangsters, robots, dragons, samurai, martial arts, gun fu, 50s culture, and, above all else, a cast of scantily clad young women who can kick some ass. And every nerd in the world jizzed in their pants. The main cast of girls include Emily Browning, Vanessa Hudgens, Jena Malone, Abbie Cornish, and Jamie Chung, as well as Carla Gugino, Scott Glenn, and Jon Hamm supporting. Sucker Punch looks like every style choice Snyder has ever put into a film evolved times ten and thrown together to make a CGI laced action picture that looks as if it seeks to outdo Sin City or 300 or even Kung Fu Hustle. I mean all the trailer really is is action, pure, fast paced, and heavy hitting. And damn if I am not ready for it.

BLACK SWAN:

Okay, now this looks fucking crazy. The trailer seriously freaked me out. This is Darren Aronofsky's new film, a psychological thriller centered around a paranoid star ballet dancer (Natalie Portman). Portman's character has been rising high in the ballet industry. Succeeding a previous star (Wynona Ryder), she becomes her handsome director's (Vincent Cassel) grand pupil. Her insecurity kicks in on a dangerous level however when the director seems to have found a new rising star in another dancer (Mila Kunis), resulting in a possibly unstable state of mind. The trailer features such surreal, horrifying imagry that I imagine it will be hard to sit through this movie. The last visual suggests a Cronenberg-esque body horror aspect. Aronofsky's direction, no matter the genre he pursues, seems to be very stark and powerful. The acting looks tremendous, Natalie Portman in a type of role I don't think I've seen her in before, looking frantic. Mila Kunis needs a role in a movie that looks this dark and edgy, a right career move. The supporting cast of Vincent Cassel, Wynona Ryder, and Barbara Hershey will no doubt add to the movie's success and outcome. I think this movie looks like a haunting, surreal, thought provoking thriller. I will definitely want to see it. One thing though: does every film these days have to feature a lesbian kiss? Is it like an obligation? Don't get me wrong, I am just as ready for a Portman/Kunis lip-locking anytime, but still I just find it odd. I think it's probably just a cheap route to draw male audiences in (and its working, though the movie looks great anyway). Maybe trailers should feature more kisses between gay men; somehow I think the result would come back negative?

HEREAFTER:

Clint Eastwood's new film, and most times that's all I'd need to say. For the past 20 years, Eastwood has in more ways than one confronted life and death within his films, and with Hereafter it seems as if he is making a film primarily about the subject. It centers around various people who have had different experiences with death, as we all have. Many of these people look to a once renowned spirit medium (Matt Damon) for help, but he has his own troubled conscience to deal with. The subject of death is particularly interesting for a film to base itself around, especially since we all think about whatever hereafter there might actually be. If it's Eastwood I'd imagine this is gonna be a bold, emotional, compelling movie that definitely leaves an impression like the majority of his movies. Though I certainly hope this won't be his last one.

TRUE GRIT:

I know I will have to see the John Wayne original beforehand, but still how can I not be totally pumped for this movie. A remake of the classic western, revisioned by the masters of the craft, The Coen Brothers, and featuring Jeff Bridges as the A Number 1 badass. I'm in all the way. With Matt Damon and Josh Brolin in the supporting cast, this just looks like a terrific western and I'm glad as hell that there are still terrific westerns (it's just a totally classic genre). So yes only three words needed to sum up why this movie is gonna be great: Coens, Bridges, Western.

127 HOURS:

I think this might be the movie I'm looking forward to the most. Based on a true story, Aron Ralston (James Franco) is a young adventurer always looking for new obstacles in far away places. During a hiking trip in the desolate terrain of Utah in 2003, he literally gets stuck between a rock and a hard place when his arm is crushed by a boulder while between a narrow canyon wall. Low on supplies, with no help coming, Aron will be forced to go to the extremes in order to survive. Though having a cast with Treat Williams, Amber Tamblyn, Kate Mara, and Clemence Poesey on the side, the movie will primarily feature a solo act from the great James Franco. For a movie about a guy stuck in one place, it looks intense and exciting as hell. I unfortunately know the outcome of this story however. I can't imagine how its gonna be on film, but I'm sure it will be effective. This is the latest film from the master filmmaker Danny Boyle, director of Trainspotting, 28 Days Later, and Slumdog Millionaire. I am excited as hell for this movie. It looks amazing.

So those are some recent trailers to movies coming our way soon or a little ways down the road. But these are just my opinions, you have yours and I advise you to see what you want.

Summing Up Heroes Characters

Well Heroes has been denied another season after the last mediocre one, so that little journey ended right along side Lost and Dollhouse. But let's take a look back at the characters of the show and their very flawed traits. This is another issue of Sum Ups.

1. Peter Petrelli

A former hospice nurse who discovers he has the ability to mimic other peoples' powers. I've gotta say, in the end Peter was the only real hero on the show Heroes. I mean he has his obvious personal problems that he tries to deal with, but also he is the only one who can deal with those problems while going out and saving people. No one else on the show had as much initiative to save others like Peter, they were all just too easily distracted or stupid. Oh Peter, why couldn't the rest be as badass as you?

2. Hiro Nakamura

The nerdy Japanese cubicle worker who discovers he has the very confusing and limited ability to control space and time. Next to Claire, Hiro was kind of the poster boy for Heroes. He was a comic book obsessed, geeky, and often childlike young man with big dreams of saving the world. Unfortunately those dreams that were very well into his reach were always overshadowed when he decided to go on roadtrips with his buddy Ando, accidentally time travel to an upcoming plot point, or go on supposedly important missions that just end up wasting time. Seriously, Hiro has as much control over his time travel powers as the raiders had over the Lost Ark. Also he is just stupid. Sure there are moments when he seems like he's growing up and learning, but due to inconsistant writing, he never learns from his mistakes and is always incompetent. One of the last examples of the stupid things that happen to Hiro: a kinda-sorta telepathic person tries to alter Hiro's mind so that he will be on the side of evil. What happens though? Hiro instead had his mind scrambled so that he would only speak and act in a hyper fanboy way, meaning Hiro would say random things like "there can be only one," call his best friend "Robin," a mental asylum "Arkham," and the villain "insert comic villian name here." To the telepath with confusing powers who tried to turn Hiro to the dark side I ask: HOW DO YOU FUCK UP THAT BAD!!!

3. Claire Bennett

Like most of the characters, I started off really liking Claire. She was a rural teenage cheerleader who was deeply troubled by her powers of invincibility and healing. This made her character nuanced and interesting. There even times when she showed true heroism and bravery. Then, like most of the characters, her motives and wants became confused and illogical. Claire went from wanting to live a normal life to accepting who she is and wanting to be a hero back to wanting a normal life and again and again and again. I'm not even sure where she was last we left her. And her idealism wasn't the only thing left in question at the end. They really tried to make her possible bisexuality near the end as ambiguous as possible. Just say yes or no, Heroes.

4. Gabriel "Sylar" Gray

The one character who keeps you interested even when he is being illogical or confusing. Sylar began as the show's primary boogieman villain. His main power is intuitive aptitude (meaning he can figure things out very easily, idk) but his main function is finding people with powers, killing them, cutting open their skulls, and doing...something to their brain so that he can steal powers. With this element, Sylar is usually the most dangerous character. Sylar has a streak Ben Linus later adopts, except when Ben adopts it he remains consistant. There are times when Sylar is either easily manipulated (season 3) or randomly disillusioned with his actions (final season) so that he tries to be a good person. The first time he looked as if he was seriously on the path to being a hero, but then he realized he'd been fooled (where was your intuitive aptitude then) and went back to slicing heads. Then finally near the abrupt end of the show Sylar realized he'd grown tired of causing so much pain and suffering and wanted to be a good person. Honestly, I could accept Sylar as either villain or hero. As a villain he plays cold and sadistic very well; he's a villain you absolutely love to hate. As a hero you can hear the regret and newfound kindness in his voice, you want him to stay this way but at the same time if he does we lose out on the show's best bad guy. I think I best liked him, surprisingly, when Peter timetraveled to the future and found that Sylar had repressed his psychotic urges and was now a single, stay at home dad. That was nice. Guess we'll never know what will become of this indecisive man in black.

5. Nathan Petrelli

He is the politican with the power of flight, he is also Peter's brother and Claire's biological father. I felt about Nathan kind of the same way I felt about Jack Shepherd from Lost. I had a love-hate relationship with his character, constantly going back and forth between really liking him to being extremely frustrated with him. Nathan ended up with a lot of the same problems as Sylar. His ideals were often changed very easily. He went back and forth pursuing very righteous and noble causes to being very faschist like and corrupt. In the end, well sorta, he gets John Locked. When he and his brother reconcile and go up against the then insane Sylar, tragedy occurs. Peter is thrown away from the fight, leaving only Sylar and Nathan. But of course Nathan is no match, allowing Sylar to slit his throat. Sylar is later taken down by Peter, but the majority of the characters don't know where Nathan is. Nathan's anti-hero mother Angela and Noah Bennett manage to convince telepathic Matt Parkman to remove the unconscious Sylar's mind from his body and replace it with Nathan's. With this new mind and a shape shifting ability he picked up, Sylar is theoretically erased and convinced that he is Nathan Petrelli = so the Heroes main bad guy now looks like an important heroic figure. In the final season, Sylar does make his way back to his body, leading Peter to try to finally erase Sylar and get his brother back. He almost succeeds, but Nathan doesn't want to fight to keep Sylar suppressed and lets the last bit of himself die. It was a sad end to a character I felt a lot for in the end.

6. Noah Bennett

An agent working for a company that monitors and/or detains people with super powers so as to protect them and the rest of the world. Noah is also the adoptive father of Claire who does everything in his power to protect her from...well just about everything. I grew to like Noah a lot over the course of Heroes. Sure, I mean, he never tells anyone the truth when him doing so wouldn't even have that many reprecussions, but he's still a good character. He always means well, but he's just too violent. But they really fuck up his backstory near the end of the last season. It's actually the second backstory, the first one was in the first season showing him being hired by The Company, his work alongside a superpowered agent, his attempts to keep his true identity secret from his family, and ensuing betrayals in the line of duty. That was a good episode and a good backstory. This is the REAL backstory they thought had to be added: Noah started out as a playwright/car salesman with a loving wife and a baby on the way. Wifey is killed along with the baby when they are robbed by a telekinetic thug. Noah goes out seeking revenge and ends up killing a dangerous superhuman (but never the one who killed his wife I guess) and that was what got the Company's attention to him. Wow...that's pretty bad, Heroes.

7. Matt Parkman

Matt Parkman was kind of like Peter for awhile, a man who could really do stuff with his powers. A police officer, having telepathy was probably a valuable asset for Matt. He can tell what a criminal is thinking and know whether they are innocent or guilty. But like Hiro, they don't do much with these powers. Matt does have his crowning mometns of heroism though. He was the one who tried to remove Sylar's mind from his body and replace it with Nathan's. This ended up leaving the deranged Sylar, Matt's nemesis since the show's start, inside of his own head. This allowed Sylar to take over his body and threaten his family and others. Not wanting any more deaths on his conscience or hands, Matt eventually does tell Sylar where his body is, but is also able to cleverly double cross him by having Sylar alert the police (it's confusing). In this moment, Matt is prepared to sacrifice himself to kill Sylar by forcing the police to shoot his body which would kill them both. Of course they both survive though, because Heroes couldn't very well do something like kill two main characters in one episode because what other show would do that (coughSayidcoughSuncoughJincough). Oh Matt, why couldn't you have had more to do.

8. Mohinder Suresh

A well intentioned, but frankly boring scientist from India who basically fills the role of intelligent-brown skinned man that Lost made popular. Mohinder instigates a lot of what happens in the Heroes saga by trying to take up his dead father's research and find people with superpowers. He even eventually gets superpowers himself, having increased strength, speed and agility by using a formula that gives people powers. This formula also turned people and even himself into grotesque freaks, but of course he was cured of that. So near the end of the show what did he have to do: he argued with his girlfriend, tried to burn a film, got stuck in a mental asylum, and fixed a compass. Riveting.

9. Nikki Sanders/Tracey Strauss

The two hot identical twins who never got a chance to meet each other. Nikki was first introduced and I thought she was an interesting, cool, and emotion investing person. Her main motive was to protect her family with her superhuman strength, but she unfortunately had a split personality of a sister she did know named Jessica who did various psychotic things that really made no sense. Just as Nikki was furthering her path of redemption she gets killed and we are introduced to her long lost twin Tracey, a political advisor/political whore/controller of ice who we really don't care about. In the final season, Tracey is mainly used as a deus ex machina who shows up whenever Noah Bennett needs her help. Pretty disappointing.

So that's the main round up of Heroes. I hoped they didn't confuse you too much. I kept up with Heroes and they confused the hell out of me. But that didn't mean they didn't have their good moments. They were all played by pretty solid actors and the characters were good, so I mostly just blame the writing that got progressively dumber as the show went on.

This has been more TV shit from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.

Summing Up Trailers Part 2

I am back again to give you my opinion on the trailers for the movies that are coming our way. So dig it.

ECLIPSE TRAILER:

The third installment in that ever popular Twilight series. I think this trailer gives the Twihards just about everything they'd want: I mean we have Edward and Bella looking deep into each others eyes and declaring love for one another in a patch of the world's most beautiful flowers again. We got Jacob telling her how he is obviously a better match for her and she ignoring him again. We got Edward and Jacob arguing over Bella's well being again. We got the Volturi mad about Bella's non-vampirism (or as vampiric as these guys can be) again. We got Jacob's standard shirtless shot again...and many, many more to come I'm sure. Then we get that chick no one paid attention to in the last two movies coming back to paid attention to for the first time. Bravo vampire villain whose name I don't remember. Three things that actually do bother me about this trailer: first off the Volturi look ridiculous, all of the villains do (can't any of them go to Men's Warehouse or Kohl's?). Secondly, why do the vampires all have those oddly colored eyes, I mean the sparkle thing is annoying but that only makes them look like Ken dolls sprinkled with glitter. The eyes are just cartoonish though. Then lastly, there is a point in the trailer where Bella tells Jacob "you don't know what you're getting yourself into." I'm assuming the subject is the queen vampire's little army she's cooking up. But, this Jacob guy kills vampires, his whole family does. What does Bella do? She dates one, and gets threatened by all of the others. Why the hell is she telling Jacob to stay away, he's a little more vampire battle savvy than you are. I mean, come on. Okay, but back on point. If you are a fan of Twilight you will probably love this movie, or hate it depending on your opinions of adaptations. It looks okay, but then again I thought New Moon looked okay too and that was just obliterated by everyone. So yeah, I might take a rain check for now. At least until after I see New Moon.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER 2:

I reviewed the first trailer, I know, but there has been a wider scale of promotion for the Iron Man sequel since that time. I remember the time when Iron Man 2's trailer just came out, it was around the time Avatar was about to be released. And I found people actually saying Iron Man 2 looked better than Avatar. After I was restrained and the world started making sense again, I found the whole new promotion for Iron Man 2. I come back to the same conclusion. We got villains played by Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell. Perfect. Don Cheadle replacing Terrance Howard as Jimmy Rhodes/War Machine. I'll miss Howard, but Cheadle is still awesome. Gweneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johannson as the ace vixens of the show. They are both superb actresses, and plus Gweneth Paltrow has always been beautiful and how could I pass up Scarlett Johannson as the black leather clad Black Widow. I can't. And of course we get awesome action and one-liners delivered by Robert Downey, Jr. in his destiny role as Iron Man. It looks really good, even better than the first.

THE A TEAM TRAILER 2:

Okay while looking better than the first trailer, I still can't help but think this is going to be lame. I mean sure if we suspend our beliefs and remember the good old days of the original A Team (not that I remember any) this movie could be really good. I'd see it for the actors. I mean sure Bradley Cooper is pretty good, all I know about Rampage Jackson is that he was on UFC or something, but it's got Liam Neeson (Schindler!!!) and Sharlto Copley (you know the badass office worker turned alien from District 9). I am kind of surprised it is being directed by Joe Carnahan, director of the extremely awesome movies Smokin' Aces and Narc. Maybe it could be okay. Not something I'd see in theatres, but okay nonetheless.

THE LOSERS TRAILER:

Why is this called The Losers? In the trailer they seem to be winning and leading very badass lives. Maybe they all die at the end, I don't know. Essentially this looks like a better version of The A Team movie coming out. It's got just as many good actors in it and the action looks just as superb. Okay who do we got: Jefferey Dean Morgan from Supernatural and Watchmen; Chris Evans, that decent actor who is starring in everything; Jason Patric, who might need a better agent but still hey Jason Patric; Zoe Saldana...well what more can I say. I mean I'm at least going to watch some of this movie if she is gonna be in it. One thing I like better than a gorgeous actress, is a gorgeous actress who can act and look good with a gun. Oh will the testosterone ever cease!? No. Also another one I don't want to see in theatres, but it looks pretty good. Though the fact that Hollywood is raiding every comic book store in America for graphic novel stories is kind of tedious.

THE EXPENDABLES TRAILER:

And finally the third A Team lookalike and ironically the one I want to see. Why? Because of the cast. Writing, directing, and starring is Sylvester Stallone. Sly Stallone is the leader of a league of the world's greatest mercenaries. Who are they? Jason Stathem, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, and Randy Couture. They are hired to take down a small army of bad guys led by bigger bad guys. Who are they? Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. They are hired by some shady figures. Who are they? Bruce Willis and...wait for it...ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGAR!!! It must be 4/20 'cause I think I'm high!!! I know this may only be a cameo but so long has it been that I've seen Arnold on the screen. I watched this trailer and shouted out "YESSS!!!" The Expendables is essentially going to be a big action extravaganza in which the biggest badassess ever to appear on screen (with the exception of Christopher Walken, Al Pacino, Jackie Chan, Samuel L. Jackson, and the king himself Clint Eastwood) duke it out in a flurry of bullets and explosions. I don't care what it takes, this is a theatre movie. My inner child cries out for The Expendables, it really does.

PREDATORS TRAILER:

Finally, Predators get back to the jungle where they are killing people of my species, who I actually have sympathy for, instead of the xenomorphs from Alien. Alright I feel about Predators the same way I feel about The Expendables. But instead of just throwing a bunch of badasses into a movie and have them fight each other, it has them work together to fight the species that has badassary not only in their culture, but in their blood. The story is, a bunch of Earth's most lethal people are abducted and brought to an alien jungle planet. The only thing there it seems besides them are the Predators. Need I remind you that just one of these things killed several dozen commandos and almost killed the Govenator himself back in the '80s. Rounding out the cast is Adrien Brody as an American mercenary, Alice Braga as a Black Ops sniper, Laurence Fishburne as a veteran soldier, Danny Trejo as a drug trafficer, Topher Grace as a serial killer (seriously?), and some other guys I don't know as Russian and African mercs, a yakuza assassin, and a death row inmate. Do they stand a chance? Probably not, but it'll be fun seeing them go at it. This movie looks really good, even scary. I'd see it in theatres. Plus, you just gotta love a Predator. They may be some ugly motherfuckers but they are dedicated.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET TRAILER 2:

It still looks like it will be pretty good. I mean sure they will do what every other remake of a horror movie these days does and rehash the same story with a few tweaks here and there. But I think this will be more along the lines of how The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake was, where we get whole new elements and possibly even story and both are even better. Still it looks like the driving force behind this movie is Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Kruger. I swear to god his deep voice is due to the fact that his larynx came from that of the Grim Reaper. Sure he still sounds like Rorschach from Watchmen, but Rorschach from Watchmen was scary as hell and he was the good guy. It could be fun, but, knowing my disappointments with the last few remakes, I will wait for DVD.

PEACOCK TRAILER:

Now this looks bizarre. But my kind of bizarre. I read about this before seeing the trailer, and it honestly sounded like it was going to be a comedy. The story is about a secretive accountant played by Cillian Murphy (you know, Scarecrow from Batman Begins) who dons an alternate identity in the privacy of his home. While out and about he is the quiet husband nobody has a problem with. While at home he is a homemaker wife who takes care of the house and never sees anybody. His sex life must be far less complicated than most marriages. But a train comes crashing into his yard and everyone sees him as her. They assume he is just the wife he never told anyone about. But now everything's gone out of control as Murphy's tries to keep up appearances as both husband and wife, even while the wife personality is growing unstable. Rounding out the cast is Ellen Page, Susan Sarandon, Josh Lucas, Keith Carradine, and Bill Pullman. Awesome. It looks like it will be a really smart and intense movie. I'd definitely see it.

EAT PRAY LOVE TRAILER:

Who doesn't want to see a movie where Julia Roberts seeks out her independance by going traveling across the world by herself and finding peace? Maybe most of the male audience but that's beside the point. The movie looks decent, but the trailer doesn't give much to be excited about other than Julia Roberts, who has not acted in too many movies lately. It's not that she's a bad actress, she's a great actress, but just not in as high of demand as she was in the '90s. Not a theatre movie for me, but I might watch it some other time. It might be up to you girls to watch Eat Pray Love.

KNIGHT AND DAY TRAILER:

This looks cheesy, but fun just the same. Mainly due to its two leads: Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Cruise is an allegedly framed spy who is being hunted by his own people and Diaz tags along via coincidence I suppose. It looks to be an action packed rom com that I might have to catch on DVD sometime. Cameron Diaz is always delightful, as well as being my first idea of what a very attractive woman looks like (I am a huge fan of The Mask.) and Tom Cruise sort of belongs in comedies after Tropic Thunder. I mean my god, he is freakin' genius. So yeah, Knight and Day looks pretty good.

UNTHINKABLE TRAILER:

This is going to be a propaganda movie somehow. I mean sure it looks pretty good, but I can't help myself but think it is just for some political message. The story is an American terrorist (played by Michael Sheen) is arrested after revealing he has planted bombs in major American cities. A problem solver (played by Samuel L. Jackson) is brought in to get the information on the bombs out of the terrorist by any means necessary. You know what that means. Jack Bauer time. Meanwhile a diplomatic agent pleads for the terrorist's rights. This can either be a movie carrying a message of torture being good or a message of torture being bad. I don't know. Performances look promising and suspense is guarenteed, but I just don't know.

THE OTHER GUYS TRAILER:

The Other Guys looks like the Cop Out movie I wanted to see. The comedy actually looks comedic. We got Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg as two mismatched partners of course who try to make names for themselves in their precinct and be like the two true badass cops in the building who are played by Samuel L. Jackson and The Rock. We see a lot of scenes of comedy that just steal the breath with laughter. It looks like it's going to be very good. From the guys who brought us Anchorman and Step Brothers. How can we go wrong? Well a lot of ways, but The Other Guys still looks great.

THE LAST AIRBENDER TRAILER:

I didn't watch the show, so I can't really spectulate as to whether it looks to follow it or not. I'm told the show was kind of fun loving and goofy, while this movie looks really dramatic. Unfortunately they couldn't wrestle away the film's true "Avatar: The Last Airbender" title from James Cameron. It was for a good cause. I don't really know much about the plot, but it looks to be some kind of fantasy war of the mystical where a prophesized boy will lead a rebellion against some sort of "dark side" we'll say. It doesn't look half bad. It looks pretty excting actually, and I'm the one who thought Clash of the Titans looked lame. The Last Airbender is going to be directed by M. Night Shyamalan, a talented filmmaker who needs a movie like this to pick his career up. I'm just one of those people out there who has not given up hope for Shyamalan after The Happening. The guy who made The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and Signs can't be a bad filmmaker. It's just not true. But yeah, Airbender looks cool.

INCEPTION TRAILER 2:

Though we get about as much story from this trailer as we do from the first, Inception still comes out looking like the best thing coming this year. Apparently the story involves a team of corporate thieves (led by Leonardo Dicaprio) who steal sensitive information and secrets by entering dreams, a skill that is both highly effective and extremely dangerous. But I guess these thieves come across something especially interesting in one mind in particular. With scenes of a city folding on top of itself and water shooting out and hanging in the air on a ceiling, this looks like it will be a science fiction thriller only modern film genius Christopher Nolan could think up. I am pumped for this movie than any other. Watch the trailer, it will mess with your head.

Well that has been my second issue of trailer sum ups. I know I left a few out but I feel the ones I did include would be satisfactory. We have a lot of different movies to look forward to. Now we play the waiting game. Thanks for reading.

Summing Up Some 2009 Trailers

Now we've got us quite an accumulation of 2009 trailers, some that look like movies we really want to see and some that look like utter stupidity. It's my job tonight to sum them up as I've done before with other things random. Shall we...

BEGIN!!!

GREEN ZONE TRAILER:
Matt Damon as a G-man kicking ass. It's like a step down from The Bourne Trilogy and a major step up from The Good Shepherd. Not super impressive.

LEGION TRAILER:
Wow, watching this trailer I got the feeling like I've already seen this movie of war between angels, except much deeper, and more interesting. Oh yeah it was The Prophecy. This is that with Uzis. The only thing I really see this film has going for it is the casting of Paul Bettany as the hero and Kevin Durand as the villain. Otherwise, skip it.

WOLFMAN TRAILER:
You know the drill with Wolfman, no introductions necessary. But we've got a cast behind this one: Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Hugo Weaving. Some badasses. It looks very dark and kind of interesting. The only thing bad I can see is the special effects (balls is what it is). Maybe see it, maybe not.

SHERLOCK HOLMES TRAILER:
Okay let me see if I got my math right. Robert Downey, Jr. + Guy Ritchie + a half naked Rachel McAdams/Off putting goofiness = a pretty enjoyable experience. Let's take a look shall we.

KICK-ASS TRAILER:
Come on, a superhero movie where heroes have no powers and get their asses kicked, featuring Nicholas Cage and McLovin from Superbad. Yahuh, I'll have me a look, but maybe not in theatres.

THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS TRAILER:
Odd title. I'm not sure what the hell is supposed to be going on here but, as career mindfucker Terry Gilliam always does, I am left intrigued. I guess a character played by Heath Ledger, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell is trying to save some chick and a mystic played by Christopher Plummer from The Devil who looks like Tom Waits. Leading into a bunch of cartoonish dimensions where all sorts of crazyiness happens. This might be one I'll have to watch, then I'll decide whether or not people should see it while tripping acid.

TIM BURTON'S ALICE IN WONDERLAND TRAILER:
Gee, I wonder what happens. Well with Tim Burton I've done well to expect the unexpected and the trailer for his version of Alice in Wonderland is a real sight. Full of colors and admittedly cartoonish CGI. Burton's found another way to make his wife, Helena Bonham Carter, look weird in one of his movies and, indeed, another unfathomable way to make Johnny Depp look unrecognizable. It looks wild, demented, and fun like all of Burton's work. I would definetely see it.

DAYBREAKERS TRAILER:
As cool and interested I am in the movie after how serious the trailer makes the movie appear, I still find the premise silly. I know Anne Rice, a veteren vampire writer, has said that the vampire lore can be changed and with recent developments in Twilight I can't say she's wrong. But here, in a world where the population of vampires outweighs that of humans, it just doesn't feel right. The acting is what I think is gonna save this movie. You can't go wrong with Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe and Sam Neill. You don't mess with Sam Neill. He was Dr. Grant, bitches. Until I've heard reviews, I'm holding out for a rental.

PRINCE OF PERSIA TRAILER:
I played the game once...for like two seconds, but still. Okay can anyone really buy Jake Gyllenhaal as a Persian? He's a great actor I just don't think this is a role for him. Ben Kingsley on the other hand is another story. This British bad ass will play a black man some day. I mean his first movie role was Mahatmah Gandhi. Plus he played a very good Iranian man in House of Sand in Fog. Don't be fooled, people. I am in no way comparing the look of Prince of Persia to the cinema triumphs like Gandhi and House of Sand in Fog. It looks traditional, cheesy, and begs the question as to why these two great actors would be in this kind of movie.

CLASH OF THE TITANS TRAILER:
The remake of that movie I never saw. Clash of the Titans is apparently about a war between Gods, not angels like Legion. Who are the gods played by? Why Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. Okay what the hell is up with the cast of Schindler's List starring in these shitty looking sword and sandle flicks that look like they borrowed production material from 300. Basically in this trailer Sam Worthington stars as Perseus as he fights giant scropions and the Kraken from Pirates of The Caribbean while grown up Jack from Chronicles of Riddick is hanging by her wrists and Neeson and Fiennes look pissed off the entire time (which I must say is scarier than any giant scropion or Kraken I've ever seen). All in all, this movie looks lame.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET TRAILER:
Like a lot of remakes, I think the trailer looks good but more than likely the movie is gonna be shit. The only thing it has going for it is that it has the revitalized powerhouse actor Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy.

SALT TRAILER:
Finally we're giving Angelina Jolie some guns in a movie that doesn't look like total bullshit. She stars as a CIA Agent who goes on the run after being framed as a Russian operative. From the look of the trailer she seems to be the one incriminating herself while also beating up fellow agents and apparently trying to attack the president she was trying to save. Yeah it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, but Angelina is smokin' and Salt has peaked my interest a little. Wait to hear more.

THE EDGE OF DARKNESS TRAILER:
Mel Gibson is back after a long absence, he is an ex Boston cop, his daughter was gunned down right in front of him, he wants revenge. That's all you need to know right now. It looks every bit as bad ass as Gibson himself. Let's just pray he doesn't kill any Jews in this movie.

BROOKLYN'S FINEST TRAILER:
A movie directed by the guy who directed Training Day and starring some top notch actors as dirty cops and criminals, plus a story that looks very compelling. Oh yeah, this one might have to come my way.

44 INCH CHEST TRAILER:
From the guys who brought us the British crime masterpiece that is Sexy Beast, comes what looks like the British equivalent of Reservoir Dog. Starring Ray Winstone, Tom Wilkinson, John Hurt, Ian McShane, and Stephen Dillane all as British gangsters getting revenge. I'm in all the way. The only thing missing is Sir Ben Kingsley. Come on just cameo him as Don Logan for us Sexy Beast fans.

NINE TRAILER:
Nothing to do with that little CG Animated venture. No, this is a musical starring Daniel Day Lewis and every piece of hot and terrific actresses tossed onto a stage and strutting around in very appealing garments. I'm liking it. Even the musical aspect looks good. This one might not be a theatre film but it is a possible rental.

IT'S COMPLICATED TRAILER:
If this didn't have THE actors of the last generation (well Steve Martin not quite), this movie would look very cliche. Oh wait, no never mind, this movie still looks very cliche.

ROBIN HOOD TRAILER:
Ridley Scott is directing, Russell Crowe is of course starring, and we get clips of some of gritty action only Scott and Crowe could play out. I never thought the story of Robin Hood, which I had always attributed to that cheerful fox from the Disney movie, could be dark. Let's watch a Merry little movie for sure.

WONDERFUL WORLD TRAILER:
It's got Matthew Broderick, he looks magnificent, this might bring back his career and I certainly hope it does. Wonderful World is one I will have to see, though knowning my luck I probably won't see it in theatres.

REMEMBER ME TRAILER:
Wow, this Romeo and Juliet lookalike looks good. I knew there was some charisma to Robert Pattinson. Here he's going all James Dean on everything in sight. Plus Emile De Ravin as his beloved. See, I knew she wouldn't leave Lost for a pointless cameo in Public Enemies. I think this looks like a good match up. And just to make sure this isn't just for youngsters, we've got Pierce Brosnan and Chris Cooper as fathers of the movie's stars. I'm wanting to see it because it doesn't look like total done to death romadies...at least not totally. My only complaint is Pattinson pretty much paraphrases Morgan Freeman's last line in Seven to make himself sound cool.

SHUTTER ISLAND TRAILER:
Scorcese. Lehane. DiCaprio. Kingsley. Sydow. Haley. Island. Nuff said.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER:
Okay this trailer makes it seem as if it will be every bit as good as the first Iron Man. We bare witness once again to Robert Downey, Jr. as the very smooth Tony Stark aka Iron Man who enjoys his newfound superhero celebrity. Than cut to Mickey Rourke as the villain Whiplash. Sporting bad teeth (well worse than his regular teeth), a Russian accent, and dual whips that would make Christ's torturers say "Yeah buddy, that is a bit much." In short he looks like a tough customer but then so does Iron Man and his new sidekick War Machine, played by Don Cheadle filling in for Terrence Howard. Oh yeah and we get glimpses here and there of Samuel L. Jacson as Nick Fury and Scarlett Johannson as Black Widow (which I do believe is the Marvel role she was born to play: a fiery redhead in black leather). So yeah, this looks like a keeper.

Skipping Avatar trailer because odds are you have seen the trailer a billion times on TV and you know it's gonna be awesome. So here is my second most anticipated movie.

INCEPTION TRAILER:
This trailer defines a teaser. It just gives you enough to catch your interest but not enough to know what's going on. Just from the few images we see, we know it's going to be a super charged sci fi thriller. Probably the most intriguing thing is two guys fighting in a hallway in which gravity does not seem to exist. It has an all star cast list, with Leonardo DiCaprio at the lead. Christopher Nolan is directing so you know it's gonna be awesome. I mean sure he's only directed those tiny unnoticed pictures like Memento, Insomnia, The Prestige, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight: blatant sarcasm, but he has got the skills to really blow us away and from the looks of it Inception might do just that. Still I need more. MORE DAMN YOU!!!

This has been the latest issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.

Summing Up Halloween

"Death has come to your little town." - Dr. Sam Loomis

Okay I know I'm posting this a few days after Halloween, but I have to get this under way before I move onto to other things. The Halloween horror franchise has probably stretched itself out as far as it will go unless there is another reboot in the future. Aside from Rob Zombie's continuation of his remake, I have watched every Halloween movie to date. My opinions on them were strong when I was a kid because as a kid I was really into the slasher film franchises but now as I've matured and grown out of them mostly I have different views. So to end my Horror Season I will Sum Up the Halloween Franchise.

BEGIN!!!

Halloween (1978):

Holy god that was awesomely scary, but did he really get his eye jabbed out.

Halloween II (1981):

That was pretty good. Michael must've retreated to a nearby house after he got shot to watch Friday the 13th and thought to himself "Okay my approach only catches me knives, bullets, hangers, and balconies. Maybe Mrs. Voorhees had the right idea." Yeah, he found out, as did Mrs. Voorhees, that this never turns out in their favor. PS I think Laurie has a fetish for taking Michael's eyes.

Halloween III:

...What the hell?

Halloween 4 The Return of Michael Myers:

Okay how did Michael AND Dr. Loomis survive being caught in the eye of an explosion? I can see Michael with his whole "purely and simply evil" thing but Loomis is a man. And old. At least Michael is scary again. Nice cliffhanger, if this were Lost someone would've had to have been like "WHAT?" PS I guess the explosion blew Michaels eyes back into their sockets because last time I checked sister Laurie put a bullet in each one.

Halloween 5 The Revenge of Michael Myers:

Well this was just weird. Let me get this straight, Michael's survives what might be his biggest barrage of gunfire, a fall down a mineshaft, a dive in the river, and a long foodless coma only to be reawakened near Halloween via a telepathic link to his catatonic niece only to go on another killing spree, get caught like an escaped zoo attraction by Dr. Loomis and thrown in jail only to be rescued by a machine gun toting man in black who has been showing up in the background throughout the movie? Okay filmmakers, you got me. Guess I have to watch the next movie.

Halloween 6 The Origin of Michael Myers:

Alright now they've just gone comic book soap opera on us, they've Heroesed us. Consider for a moment that Dr. Loomis got it all wrong in the first movie. Yeah, Michael Myers was never simply an inherently evil psychopath, he was the product of long held cult prophecy. His murderous rampage and desire to exterminate his family was driven not by his own impulses but because if he didn't a generation of cult people would not flourish. And to boot Michael is apparently made to impregnate his niece and then kill her brutally. And somehow the new descendants of Laurie Strode's adopted family become involved due to the fact that they are living in Michael's home. AND a still living Dr. Loomis has teamed up with a character played by Paul Rudd of all people to defeat Michael and the cult. In the end we get some pretty good scares, a plot that ruins the mythos and an awesome final fight between Michael Myers and the Paul Rudd character...Betcha ten bucks Michael isn't dead at the end.

Halloween H20:

Brother and sister. Hero and villain. Laurie and Michael. A last showdown, a fight to the death in the majestic halls of...A college campus. Okay this movie is not that great. By the end we get Michael being bludgeoned with fists by Josh Hartnett, bludgeoned with a rock by Michelle Williams, and fucked up in every way shape or form by our uber badass Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh and among the bodies you'll find LL Cool J and Joseph Gordon Levitt. And my god, I think they've actually ended this thing. I think it's finally over. He's dead, the William Shatner looking son of a bitch is dead! Oh there is a god, there is a-

Halloween Resurrection:

-Oh son of a bitch, really it was the ambulance driver under the mask. I know Michael is crafty but I really don't think he'd be smart enough to pull off crushing a guy's larynx, switching outfits, and convince everyone else the other guy's him. I guess Michael can tell the future. Oh but wait, we open with another bad ass showdown between Michael and Laurie in the majestic halls of...a mental institution. I think this movie is going somewhere. Oh but wait, Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are leading a reality TV show group into the Myers house. Now THAT sounds like a story, yeah you can just write off Laurie's entire arc. Essentially Michael is just killing people with no real motive other than the fact that they are on his turf. Resurrection is a comedy, watching a wise cracking Busta Rhymes run circles around Michael Myers with karate moves is just hilarious. BUT DOES HE LIVE! Refer back to the last six pointless sequels and you'll have your answer.

Halloween (2007):

Rob Zombie hits and misses equally. The first half of the movie is a darkly unique look of what could have been (but what I didn't think should be) Michael Myers' past and descent into murder and his relationship with Dr. Loomis. The second half however is the remake and it sucks. After realizing he could only crowbar in about 10 percent of character development for our original but totally model worthy girls, Rob decides to just take the easy route with a remaining 90 percent of gore, tits, and screaming. Yes, there is more screaming in the last half of the movie than there is dialogue and that's not a good thing. Rob succeeds at making Michael The Shape a bit more interesting than just a slow walk and stab but really the character was created as a one dimensional force of nature, an evil force. That was John Carpenter's intention and I think that's better than the product of a dysfunctional white trash family. They should've explained Michael's father, maybe his father was a killer too. But no all we get is Jenny from Forrest Gump topless telling us that daddy Myers "is in heaven." Bullshit, man. Bullshit.

Well that's Halloween for ya. If you're a fan of the slasher genre, go ahead and have fun watching the whole series. It keeps your interest just a little bit and with Michael on the screen it's hard not to be tensed up. But if you want my opinion, stop at the first Halloween. I know it has an open ending but that's what is so fun about it. I think Michael getting shot and then disappearing into the night is better than Michael getting shot and disappearing into the night only to later be blown up in a hospital only later to be gunned down by cops only later to be the product of a cult's diabolical plan while hunting down and knocking up and killing his neice only later to hunt down and kill his sister only later to have his ass kicked and burned alive by Busta Rhymes and then somehow turned into a white trash dilenquint in a Rob Zombie reimagining. Wow that's a mouthful.

This has been another issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.

Summing Up Johnny Depp's Roles

Johnny Depp is probably one of the best and coolest actors of this generation. I love almost everything he's in. Even if the movie's bad, Johnny's still awesome. Why is he awesome. He's just a real character. Not a character actor, mind you. But a character. I don't really know how to describe it. Well he started out on the TV show 21 Jump Street where he became a teen idol. He, like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, didn't like this status. So he began starring as strange characters in films that were off the beaten path. Of course he has gone mainstream many times and played normal characters mixed with that Depp charm. But still, being an actor whose performances have been so memorable, so freaky, so brutally disgustingly honest, I am forced to summarize many of Depp's roles with one or more lines in this latest issue of Sum Ups (also I am only summing the films I've seen).

BEGIN!!!

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984):
"Remember me, I'm from 21 Jump StrAAHHH GOD MY BED'S EATING ME!!!"

PLATOON (1986):
"Yes, I'm another great but undiscovered actor cast in this movie. Remember me, I'm from 21 Jump Street and A Nightmare on Elm StrAAHH OH GOD I GOT SHOT!!! AND SO DID WILLEM DAFOE AND FOREST WHITAKER!!! WHY!!!

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990):
Slice! "We're not sheeps..." Dice!

FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991):
"Amazing, I was able to get killed by Freddy Kruger twice. I don't think anyone noticed though."

WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE (1993):
Sigh! "...Arnie..."

BENNY AND JOON (1993):
"Oh how I love reckless endangerment, and Joon...And Charlie Chaplin! But you! You're scared."

ED WOOD (1994):
"Take 1, action!" one take later "Cut, print, perfect! Now where's my blouse?"

NICK OF TIME (1995):
"Oh how I wish I was clever when the situation called for it."

DEAD MAN (1995):
"I'm William Blake...No I'm not the painting poet. I'm the gunslinging accountant."

DONNIE BRASCO (1997):
"Pleasure to meet you, I'm Joseph Pistone, FBI, undercover. I mean, I'm Donnie Brasco, gangster, forget about it."

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS (1998):
"IIIII'M RAOUL DUKE!!! NOW BE QUIET PIG FUCKER, YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME!!! Oh what have we poor souls become?"

SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999):
"Ichabod Crane, Scotland Yard. And that headless, unkillable horseman who used to be Christopher Walken with freakier features is a normal killer like any other I assure you. Stand aside I shall take care of him in no ti--AH SPIDER!!!"

FROM HELL (2001):
"This may be vastly different from Alan Moore's book and I may be high on opium and thoroughly psychic, but I will find Jack The Ripper and kill him. Oh I can't, well I guess I'll just OD."

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003):
"I can't tell you whether or not I'm good or bad. All I can tell you is that a blind man kills just as good as a sighted man and that this is excellent pork...In fact it's so good that the cook must die. Excuse me for a moment."

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (2003):
"I require a gun with one round, the rest of my effects, a ship, preferrably large and expendable and a case of rum. All of that and I should do just fine despite my clumsiness and eccentricities, savvy?"

FINDING NEVERLAND (2004):
"Befriending a local family inspired me to write Peter Pan. And that's pretty much it, savvy."

SECRET WINDOW (2004):
"I hate obsessed fans, even though I happen to be one of them. I also hate killers, even though I happen to be one of them. I probably hate Stephen King too, even though I'm one of his characters."

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005):
"You thought Willy Wonka was strange before, well he was. But I'm stranger, you MUMBLER!!!"

CORPSE BRIDE (2005):
"Um, I don't know what I appreciate for this role. Um, I suppose maybe my partnership with Tim Burton and excessive pairing with his wife Helena Bonham Carter. Um, my quiet, forlorn voice patterns.Um, and of course my extremely well developed British accent that has worked in several films.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST (2006):
"I don't quite know whom I'm to trust on this one, lads. Even one as intricate and intellectual as myself cannot quite grasp this plot. All I know is some fish want to eat me, but they can't because I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT!!! Oh wait they can. Oh bugger."

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END (2007):
"I know I've been eatin', but hey Jack's back! And if you thought I was strange before...Well I was, but now I'm slightly stranger. Why do I always end up where I started out?"

GONZO: THE LIFE AND WORK OF DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON (2008):
"We we're friends, so I'm narrating. That's about it."

PUBLIC ENEMIES (2009):
"I'm John Dillinger and I rob banks. Yes I am in fact Johnny Depp, my face has up until now been covered in makeup. But still I rob banks and will probably get nominations."

And those have been a few impressions left on us by Johnny Depp, a great actor who always leaves his mark on a film.

This has been another issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.

Summing Up Tarantino Movies

I can't think of a quote so I will only advise you to read Ezekiel 25:17.

This is one of two segments I've started on my blog, the other being Modest PSAs. In Sum Ups, I obviously give a summary of different things that exist in the media, beginning with the career of independent writer-director Quentin Tarantino. Before I start let me say that I adore Tarantino's movies and this is just for comedy. Oh yeah and SPOILER WARNING!

BEGIN!!!

RESERVOIR DOGS (1992):
In the end everybody is dead...Except for Mr. Pink. And we learn something meaningful: Like a Virgin is a metaphor for big dicks.

TRUE ROMANCE (1993):
In the end a helluva lot of people die and Clarence loses an eye. And we learn something meaningful: listening to Elvis will fuck your life up.

PULP FICTION (1994):
In the end Vincent, Zed and Marvin die, Jules finds a purpose, Mia ODs, Marsellus gets raped and Butch gets a chopper. And we learn something meaningful: never go into a pawn shop and God saves hitmen.

NATURAL BORN KILLERS (1994):
In the end Mickey and Mallory have a bunch of kids and a very large body count, Wayne Gale dies nobely, and Oliver Stone somehow gets another message across. And we learn something meaningful: Everybody is deep down inside a killer, especially Robert Downey, Jr, no surprise there.

FOUR ROOMS (1995):
In the end Norman loses his little pinky, Chester spills a bucket of ice, and Ted gets to get the hell away from this movie. And we learn something meaningful: You shouldn't imitate everything you see on TV...No seriously, that's not a joke.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996):
In the end the vampires and most of the heroes are all killed, Seth gets his money and bails, Kate leaves in her dad's trailer, Carlos wonders what the fuck happened, and no one who ever came to the bar seemed to notice a goddamn vampire kingdom behind the building. And we learn something meaningful: Selma Hayek is the hottest woman alive! And God if Tarantino wasn't the luckiest man ever.

JACKIE BROWN (1997):
In the end Louis thankfully kills Melanie, Ordell kills Beaumont and Louis, Nicolette kills Ordell, Jackie and Max kiss and Tarantino realized he shouldn't do book adaptations. And we learn something meaningful: don't fuck with Pam Grier I suppose... Or don't trust a nice criminal Samuel L. Jackson.

KILL BILL VOL. 1 (2003):
In the end The Bride spouts some pretty corny lines and kills the very hot Vernita, the even hotter O Ren, a couple of rapists, a teenaged assassin, and at least 80 gangsters, we never see Bill, Elle is a bitch and a very soap operaish cliffhanger ensues. And we learn something meaningful: Never, ever, fuck with Uma Thurman I suppose.

KILL BILL VOL. 2 (2004):
In the end we are left impacted by poisonous snakes, Texas funerals, gouged eyes, long ass monologues and a broken down pussy wagon...Oh and The Bride kills Bill who I was just starting to like. And we learn something meaningful: Uh, little girls stomping goldfish is a perfect example of life and death apparently, as the great philosopher Bill once said.

DEATH PROOF (2007):
In the end Stuntman Mike is a pussy psychopath, he has managed to kill a bunch of tough girls who are so obviously gay, scare another bunch of tough girls who are so obviously gay, get scared by those obviously gay tough girls, get killed by those obviously gay tough girls and in the end I still find myself only liking the crazed killer Stuntman Mike and not the some fifteen hot obviously gay tough girls. And we learn something meaningful: I really don't know, all I know is, judging from the dialogue, Tarantino has obviously spent more time around psychopaths then he has women.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009):
In the end history has taken a bloody, extradordinarily different turn, like five of The Basterds disappeared with no explanation why, every character I liked was killed too fast or not given enough screen time save for that hilarious Nazi colonel, and I'm content. And we learn something meaningful: QUENTIN TARANTINO SAVED THE WORLD!!!

This has been the first issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.