Summing Up Tarantino Movies

I can't think of a quote so I will only advise you to read Ezekiel 25:17.

This is one of two segments I've started on my blog, the other being Modest PSAs. In Sum Ups, I obviously give a summary of different things that exist in the media, beginning with the career of independent writer-director Quentin Tarantino. Before I start let me say that I adore Tarantino's movies and this is just for comedy. Oh yeah and SPOILER WARNING!

BEGIN!!!

RESERVOIR DOGS (1992):
In the end everybody is dead...Except for Mr. Pink. And we learn something meaningful: Like a Virgin is a metaphor for big dicks.

TRUE ROMANCE (1993):
In the end a helluva lot of people die and Clarence loses an eye. And we learn something meaningful: listening to Elvis will fuck your life up.

PULP FICTION (1994):
In the end Vincent, Zed and Marvin die, Jules finds a purpose, Mia ODs, Marsellus gets raped and Butch gets a chopper. And we learn something meaningful: never go into a pawn shop and God saves hitmen.

NATURAL BORN KILLERS (1994):
In the end Mickey and Mallory have a bunch of kids and a very large body count, Wayne Gale dies nobely, and Oliver Stone somehow gets another message across. And we learn something meaningful: Everybody is deep down inside a killer, especially Robert Downey, Jr, no surprise there.

FOUR ROOMS (1995):
In the end Norman loses his little pinky, Chester spills a bucket of ice, and Ted gets to get the hell away from this movie. And we learn something meaningful: You shouldn't imitate everything you see on TV...No seriously, that's not a joke.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996):
In the end the vampires and most of the heroes are all killed, Seth gets his money and bails, Kate leaves in her dad's trailer, Carlos wonders what the fuck happened, and no one who ever came to the bar seemed to notice a goddamn vampire kingdom behind the building. And we learn something meaningful: Selma Hayek is the hottest woman alive! And God if Tarantino wasn't the luckiest man ever.

JACKIE BROWN (1997):
In the end Louis thankfully kills Melanie, Ordell kills Beaumont and Louis, Nicolette kills Ordell, Jackie and Max kiss and Tarantino realized he shouldn't do book adaptations. And we learn something meaningful: don't fuck with Pam Grier I suppose... Or don't trust a nice criminal Samuel L. Jackson.

KILL BILL VOL. 1 (2003):
In the end The Bride spouts some pretty corny lines and kills the very hot Vernita, the even hotter O Ren, a couple of rapists, a teenaged assassin, and at least 80 gangsters, we never see Bill, Elle is a bitch and a very soap operaish cliffhanger ensues. And we learn something meaningful: Never, ever, fuck with Uma Thurman I suppose.

KILL BILL VOL. 2 (2004):
In the end we are left impacted by poisonous snakes, Texas funerals, gouged eyes, long ass monologues and a broken down pussy wagon...Oh and The Bride kills Bill who I was just starting to like. And we learn something meaningful: Uh, little girls stomping goldfish is a perfect example of life and death apparently, as the great philosopher Bill once said.

DEATH PROOF (2007):
In the end Stuntman Mike is a pussy psychopath, he has managed to kill a bunch of tough girls who are so obviously gay, scare another bunch of tough girls who are so obviously gay, get scared by those obviously gay tough girls, get killed by those obviously gay tough girls and in the end I still find myself only liking the crazed killer Stuntman Mike and not the some fifteen hot obviously gay tough girls. And we learn something meaningful: I really don't know, all I know is, judging from the dialogue, Tarantino has obviously spent more time around psychopaths then he has women.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009):
In the end history has taken a bloody, extradordinarily different turn, like five of The Basterds disappeared with no explanation why, every character I liked was killed too fast or not given enough screen time save for that hilarious Nazi colonel, and I'm content. And we learn something meaningful: QUENTIN TARANTINO SAVED THE WORLD!!!

This has been the first issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.