Okay I've been away for awhile, so I'll have to jump in and talk about some things that seem rather juicy to the American media. No, silly people, it's not what Paris Hilton is sucking or who Perez Hilton is outing. There are just a few little details I have to address.
Probably what everyone is talking about is the apparent Al Queda terrorist bomber, or attempted terrorist bomber. Attempted why? Because of the fascinating explosive he was going to use: a makeshift underwear bomb. Yes, we can now see how much cave life has affected Bin Laden as he is having his men go to measures so extreme that they are fabricating whitie tighties from hell and bringing them through airport security onto planes. I predict that the C-4-undies will soon become a hot item for covert demolition in years to come, or at least they will if no one else tries to detonate it on a plane. I think Phillip Defranco said it best that if the guy is jamming is hands in his pants and fumbling around on an airplane nothing is going to end well one way or another. But the man was caught and the plane and all of its passengers saved. And thank god it turned out that way. But these days, I'm thinking them terrorists have got a special present for America in their pants and it won't be what we think. Tee hee!
For 2009's reenactment of the LA Riots, we have Tehran as the host. Just when you thought we didn't have enough excuses to call Middle Easterners savages with cause to destroy, we have further intolerance over politics to thank for this one. The protests began as such but quickly escalated into a violent outburst when Iranian security forces and protestors began to fight and then the riots broke out. Now these protests have been going on for months, they stemmed from the re-election of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Iranian people seem to think that this was all part of another reenactment, except this was of the 2000 election of George W. Bush. Yes they believed the election was rigged in favor of Ahmadinejad and have been protesting for months only for it to recently break out into riots after the death of a spiritual leader put protestors on edge. The resulting riots resulted in what could be 15 to 40 deaths among the protestors and 1500 to 3000 arrests. Hallejuah for the human spirit!
Now on a brighter subject, Rush Limbaugh has been brought to a hospital with a serious case of chest pains. Now I think this could possibly be another case of cardiac arrest, seeing as how it has already killed Michael Jackson and Britney Murphy this year. Or, sadly, it could just be a mild case of chest pains that happened because Limbaugh probably stayed at KFC longer than he should have. Oh I kid, as much as hate that son of a bitch I hope he pulls through. But still, a very dark part of me wants to see him in a vegitative state, sure he will become a martyr and a hero to the conservative masses but I will not have to listen to his fat ass talk shit anymore. Maybe that part of me exists. The same part that also kind of wishes that Glenn Beck would be put in a coma after a car accident. The same part that wishes that Dick Cheney and John McCain's senility and dementia kicks in. The same part that wishes a kinky sex tape of Anne Coulter would surface and ruin her image... moreso. The same part that wishes Bill O'Reilly will get into a fist fight with Keith Olbermann. But do I wish anyone of them dead? No. But I admittedly wish Fred Phelps would die. No I literally want to commit genocide on the entire Westboro Baptist Church. I hate them that much. I just don't like people who clarify how evil they are with every word that comes out of their mouth and are unapologetic. Moreso, I hate people who are truly evil but have convinced themselves that they are righteous and good. Well this was dark wasn't it?
So that's what's happening in the world and if this doesn't tell you something about the world I don't know what will. Well Your Modest Guru can tell you something about the world: it is not perfect or divine or wonderful it is waiting in traffic, it is getting cheated, it is going into labor after months of puking and mood swings, it is playing in the mud on a rainy day, it is smiling at old home movies, it is tears and joy and pain and suffering. Regarding my country, the American Dream isn't about making it big in Hollywood or one's triumphant prosperity after oppression, it's not really even about starting a family and being happy. I think it is about the fight. The fight to make it big in Hollywood. The fight to find prosperity in times of oppression. The fight to start that family and the fight to be happy. The American Dream, the very goal of our species, is to fight to survive because this world is lethal and unforgiving and--Wow where the hell did this sermon come from?! I'm sorry readers it is very late for me and I really must end this post.
This has been my distracted thoughts on recent news from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading and Happy New Year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Christmas. More like Earthmas
"Remember this December
That love weighs more than gold." - Josephine Dodge Daskam Bacon
Good god the title of this post is stupid. And good god if that the author of that quote doesn't have a long, strange name. I mean it sounds strange even if you abbreviate too: J.D.D. Bacon. Like it was a sausage distribution plant or something. Anywho, today I'll be talking mainly about the religious aspects of Christmas and how they affect the time of year in a few ways.
You know, not a lot of people know this, but Christmas wasn't actually a day envisioned to celebrate joy and good will to humanity all over the world, or to show each other love by giving each other gifts, or just getting together to be happy with our families. Now I know that is all you good people usually do on Christmas, but no. No, in fact Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Huh? So Christmas is essentially an international birthday celebration. Isn't that kind of selfish? Well when we are told that Christ is the proclaimed son of god, we really can't talk to much shit about it. Some time around though, people probably there needed to be a little more variety when it came to Christmas. I mean, it is not much fun to join together every year and celebrate the birthday of a guy who was tortured and nailed to a cross because of you and your ancestors. So the grim origins of this day were quickly downplayed by love, joy, family union, bright sparkling trees, snow and a big and jolly man in red dropping presents down your chimneys. Seriously, when you think of Christmas can you really say the first thing you think of is Jesus Christ instead of Santa Claus? I usually think of both of them but that doesn't matter. What matters is that Christmas is bound to religion tightly, or at least to Christianity.
I've been criticized in the past by more religious folks about my celebration of Christmas. There is nothing different about mine at all I do the same thing as everyone else does. They simply think however that seeing as how I am not a Christian or a particularly religious man at all in fact that I should not celebrate Christmas. Others are less strict about it but still hold it's relgious aspect in high regard. For example my born again grandmother gathers us all in prayer every Christmas and says Happy Birthday to Jesus. Literally. Nothing wrong with that, it's just kind of weird. But then so is a fat guy in a red jumpsuit who breaks into your house with something to give to your child every year. Oh but I kid. There really is nothing wrong with the religious origins or the Santa lore. It is kind of ironic though, as the whole Santa Claus concept and everything that comes with it could be considered magic, something Christianity is adamently against. Yet still my Christian friends love themselves some Harry Potter and Twilight. I'm predicting Santa is delivering a large helping of hypocrisy for children this year. The thing is you can swing it any way you please as long as you are happy this time of year. But seriously, it is just hurtful to say that someone shouldn't celebrate Christmas, the ultimate time of love and joy, because he doesn't go to Church.
So we've seen Christmas age and change dramatically over the last millennium. It has gone from being the celebration of the renowned Messiah's birth to being the time of gifts and good will to men to a marketing scam for big shopping centers. Though something still doesn't seem right about the religious aspect. Oh yeah, perhaps I am thinking of the popular prediction that if Christ had indeed existed (which I believe he did) he would have been born somewhere in January but not necessarily in December. So make of that what you will and while you're at it I'll be at home enjoying the company of those I love and opening gifts. Not to sound to much like a dick or to be too, dare I say, immodest.
I would just like everyone to enjoy Christmas. Celebrate you're religion, sure. And you can open presents early in the morning. And you can hang with the people you love all day. When it comes to religion or presents shouldn't matter per se. What matters is being happy. That is my mission this year as well as every year, to be happy. So far I've done well. How about you.
This has been a season's message from Your Modest Guru. Merry Christmas.
That love weighs more than gold." - Josephine Dodge Daskam Bacon
Good god the title of this post is stupid. And good god if that the author of that quote doesn't have a long, strange name. I mean it sounds strange even if you abbreviate too: J.D.D. Bacon. Like it was a sausage distribution plant or something. Anywho, today I'll be talking mainly about the religious aspects of Christmas and how they affect the time of year in a few ways.
You know, not a lot of people know this, but Christmas wasn't actually a day envisioned to celebrate joy and good will to humanity all over the world, or to show each other love by giving each other gifts, or just getting together to be happy with our families. Now I know that is all you good people usually do on Christmas, but no. No, in fact Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Huh? So Christmas is essentially an international birthday celebration. Isn't that kind of selfish? Well when we are told that Christ is the proclaimed son of god, we really can't talk to much shit about it. Some time around though, people probably there needed to be a little more variety when it came to Christmas. I mean, it is not much fun to join together every year and celebrate the birthday of a guy who was tortured and nailed to a cross because of you and your ancestors. So the grim origins of this day were quickly downplayed by love, joy, family union, bright sparkling trees, snow and a big and jolly man in red dropping presents down your chimneys. Seriously, when you think of Christmas can you really say the first thing you think of is Jesus Christ instead of Santa Claus? I usually think of both of them but that doesn't matter. What matters is that Christmas is bound to religion tightly, or at least to Christianity.
I've been criticized in the past by more religious folks about my celebration of Christmas. There is nothing different about mine at all I do the same thing as everyone else does. They simply think however that seeing as how I am not a Christian or a particularly religious man at all in fact that I should not celebrate Christmas. Others are less strict about it but still hold it's relgious aspect in high regard. For example my born again grandmother gathers us all in prayer every Christmas and says Happy Birthday to Jesus. Literally. Nothing wrong with that, it's just kind of weird. But then so is a fat guy in a red jumpsuit who breaks into your house with something to give to your child every year. Oh but I kid. There really is nothing wrong with the religious origins or the Santa lore. It is kind of ironic though, as the whole Santa Claus concept and everything that comes with it could be considered magic, something Christianity is adamently against. Yet still my Christian friends love themselves some Harry Potter and Twilight. I'm predicting Santa is delivering a large helping of hypocrisy for children this year. The thing is you can swing it any way you please as long as you are happy this time of year. But seriously, it is just hurtful to say that someone shouldn't celebrate Christmas, the ultimate time of love and joy, because he doesn't go to Church.
So we've seen Christmas age and change dramatically over the last millennium. It has gone from being the celebration of the renowned Messiah's birth to being the time of gifts and good will to men to a marketing scam for big shopping centers. Though something still doesn't seem right about the religious aspect. Oh yeah, perhaps I am thinking of the popular prediction that if Christ had indeed existed (which I believe he did) he would have been born somewhere in January but not necessarily in December. So make of that what you will and while you're at it I'll be at home enjoying the company of those I love and opening gifts. Not to sound to much like a dick or to be too, dare I say, immodest.
I would just like everyone to enjoy Christmas. Celebrate you're religion, sure. And you can open presents early in the morning. And you can hang with the people you love all day. When it comes to religion or presents shouldn't matter per se. What matters is being happy. That is my mission this year as well as every year, to be happy. So far I've done well. How about you.
This has been a season's message from Your Modest Guru. Merry Christmas.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Goodbye Brittney Murphy
Yet another one bites the dust. I was beginning to wonder who was going to be next. You know, which celebrity would be plucked from this flawed little world of ours. It's not to say a celebrity life is anymore important than mine or yours or anyone else's it's just that a lot have been dying this year. You can refer back to my previous "Goodbye..." posts to see some of the notable people.
But now we come to the very young actress Brittney Murphy. Yesterday morning she apparently collapsed, was rushed to the hospital and then died of cardiac arrest. Not enough information? I wouldn't worry the media will dig something up or create some rumour in a while (tabloid bastards). Anyway this caught me really off guard, but then so have the deaths of all of the other recent deaths. I think Murphy moreso however, because of how young she was: 32 years old. People are suspecting drug abuse may have been the cause. I mean cardiac arrest at that age is kind of suspicious. Plus dying during the week of Christmas, jesus that's terrible.
Brittney Murphy has had starring roles in several films I've seen and most of them I have enjoyed her in. Be it her really good performances in the very successful films like 8 Mile and Sin City or her really good performances in not so successful films like Just Married or The Dead Girl. My personal favorite however is Uptown Girls, that movie is just lovely. The first movie I remember seeing her in was probably Don't Say a Word, with a rock solid performance as a mental patient. Of course their have been things in her career I have not liked. Like her voice role as that god awful neice Luanne from King of the Hill, that I can never forgive her for. Then I haven't seen some of her early roles in films like Clueless or Girl, Interrupted. The point is that she was a good actress, not a great actress, but a good one. She reminded me a lot of Julliette Lewis in the roles they chose and their mannerisms: kind of out of it, like they were high or something. I don't know it was kind of funny.
What's strange is a few days ago I was actually wondering why she wasn't in more movies recently because she is a very good actress. Then this happens. As soon as I heard I knew I'd have to make a post because it really depresses me. In closing, I really enjoyed Brittney Murphy over the years and wish she hadn't have gone so soon like many of the others and in this season. May she rest in peace. Now my doors are open for any new names to Hollywood's body count.
This has been another mourning post from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas.
But now we come to the very young actress Brittney Murphy. Yesterday morning she apparently collapsed, was rushed to the hospital and then died of cardiac arrest. Not enough information? I wouldn't worry the media will dig something up or create some rumour in a while (tabloid bastards). Anyway this caught me really off guard, but then so have the deaths of all of the other recent deaths. I think Murphy moreso however, because of how young she was: 32 years old. People are suspecting drug abuse may have been the cause. I mean cardiac arrest at that age is kind of suspicious. Plus dying during the week of Christmas, jesus that's terrible.
Brittney Murphy has had starring roles in several films I've seen and most of them I have enjoyed her in. Be it her really good performances in the very successful films like 8 Mile and Sin City or her really good performances in not so successful films like Just Married or The Dead Girl. My personal favorite however is Uptown Girls, that movie is just lovely. The first movie I remember seeing her in was probably Don't Say a Word, with a rock solid performance as a mental patient. Of course their have been things in her career I have not liked. Like her voice role as that god awful neice Luanne from King of the Hill, that I can never forgive her for. Then I haven't seen some of her early roles in films like Clueless or Girl, Interrupted. The point is that she was a good actress, not a great actress, but a good one. She reminded me a lot of Julliette Lewis in the roles they chose and their mannerisms: kind of out of it, like they were high or something. I don't know it was kind of funny.
What's strange is a few days ago I was actually wondering why she wasn't in more movies recently because she is a very good actress. Then this happens. As soon as I heard I knew I'd have to make a post because it really depresses me. In closing, I really enjoyed Brittney Murphy over the years and wish she hadn't have gone so soon like many of the others and in this season. May she rest in peace. Now my doors are open for any new names to Hollywood's body count.
This has been another mourning post from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Summing Up Some 2009 Trailers
Now we've got us quite an accumulation of 2009 trailers, some that look like movies we really want to see and some that look like utter stupidity. It's my job tonight to sum them up as I've done before with other things random. Shall we...
BEGIN!!!
GREEN ZONE TRAILER:
Matt Damon as a G-man kicking ass. It's like a step down from The Bourne Trilogy and a major step up from The Good Shepherd. Not super impressive.
LEGION TRAILER:
Wow, watching this trailer I got the feeling like I've already seen this movie of war between angels, except much deeper, and more interesting. Oh yeah it was The Prophecy. This is that with Uzis. The only thing I really see this film has going for it is the casting of Paul Bettany as the hero and Kevin Durand as the villain. Otherwise, skip it.
WOLFMAN TRAILER:
You know the drill with Wolfman, no introductions necessary. But we've got a cast behind this one: Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Hugo Weaving. Some badasses. It looks very dark and kind of interesting. The only thing bad I can see is the special effects (balls is what it is). Maybe see it, maybe not.
SHERLOCK HOLMES TRAILER:
Okay let me see if I got my math right. Robert Downey, Jr. + Guy Ritchie + a half naked Rachel McAdams/Off putting goofiness = a pretty enjoyable experience. Let's take a look shall we.
KICK-ASS TRAILER:
Come on, a superhero movie where heroes have no powers and get their asses kicked, featuring Nicholas Cage and McLovin from Superbad. Yahuh, I'll have me a look, but maybe not in theatres.
THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS TRAILER:
Odd title. I'm not sure what the hell is supposed to be going on here but, as career mindfucker Terry Gilliam always does, I am left intrigued. I guess a character played by Heath Ledger, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell is trying to save some chick and a mystic played by Christopher Plummer from The Devil who looks like Tom Waits. Leading into a bunch of cartoonish dimensions where all sorts of crazyiness happens. This might be one I'll have to watch, then I'll decide whether or not people should see it while tripping acid.
TIM BURTON'S ALICE IN WONDERLAND TRAILER:
Gee, I wonder what happens. Well with Tim Burton I've done well to expect the unexpected and the trailer for his version of Alice in Wonderland is a real sight. Full of colors and admittedly cartoonish CGI. Burton's found another way to make his wife, Helena Bonham Carter, look weird in one of his movies and, indeed, another unfathomable way to make Johnny Depp look unrecognizable. It looks wild, demented, and fun like all of Burton's work. I would definetely see it.
DAYBREAKERS TRAILER:
As cool and interested I am in the movie after how serious the trailer makes the movie appear, I still find the premise silly. I know Anne Rice, a veteren vampire writer, has said that the vampire lore can be changed and with recent developments in Twilight I can't say she's wrong. But here, in a world where the population of vampires outweighs that of humans, it just doesn't feel right. The acting is what I think is gonna save this movie. You can't go wrong with Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe and Sam Neill. You don't mess with Sam Neill. He was Dr. Grant, bitches. Until I've heard reviews, I'm holding out for a rental.
PRINCE OF PERSIA TRAILER:
I played the game once...for like two seconds, but still. Okay can anyone really buy Jake Gyllenhaal as a Persian? He's a great actor I just don't think this is a role for him. Ben Kingsley on the other hand is another story. This British bad ass will play a black man some day. I mean his first movie role was Mahatmah Gandhi. Plus he played a very good Iranian man in House of Sand in Fog. Don't be fooled, people. I am in no way comparing the look of Prince of Persia to the cinema triumphs like Gandhi and House of Sand in Fog. It looks traditional, cheesy, and begs the question as to why these two great actors would be in this kind of movie.
CLASH OF THE TITANS TRAILER:
The remake of that movie I never saw. Clash of the Titans is apparently about a war between Gods, not angels like Legion. Who are the gods played by? Why Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. Okay what the hell is up with the cast of Schindler's List starring in these shitty looking sword and sandle flicks that look like they borrowed production material from 300. Basically in this trailer Sam Worthington stars as Perseus as he fights giant scropions and the Kraken from Pirates of The Caribbean while grown up Jack from Chronicles of Riddick is hanging by her wrists and Neeson and Fiennes look pissed off the entire time (which I must say is scarier than any giant scropion or Kraken I've ever seen). All in all, this movie looks lame.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET TRAILER:
Like a lot of remakes, I think the trailer looks good but more than likely the movie is gonna be shit. The only thing it has going for it is that it has the revitalized powerhouse actor Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy.
SALT TRAILER:
Finally we're giving Angelina Jolie some guns in a movie that doesn't look like total bullshit. She stars as a CIA Agent who goes on the run after being framed as a Russian operative. From the look of the trailer she seems to be the one incriminating herself while also beating up fellow agents and apparently trying to attack the president she was trying to save. Yeah it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, but Angelina is smokin' and Salt has peaked my interest a little. Wait to hear more.
THE EDGE OF DARKNESS TRAILER:
Mel Gibson is back after a long absence, he is an ex Boston cop, his daughter was gunned down right in front of him, he wants revenge. That's all you need to know right now. It looks every bit as bad ass as Gibson himself. Let's just pray he doesn't kill any Jews in this movie.
BROOKLYN'S FINEST TRAILER:
A movie directed by the guy who directed Training Day and starring some top notch actors as dirty cops and criminals, plus a story that looks very compelling. Oh yeah, this one might have to come my way.
44 INCH CHEST TRAILER:
From the guys who brought us the British crime masterpiece that is Sexy Beast, comes what looks like the British equivalent of Reservoir Dog. Starring Ray Winstone, Tom Wilkinson, John Hurt, Ian McShane, and Stephen Dillane all as British gangsters getting revenge. I'm in all the way. The only thing missing is Sir Ben Kingsley. Come on just cameo him as Don Logan for us Sexy Beast fans.
NINE TRAILER:
Nothing to do with that little CG Animated venture. No, this is a musical starring Daniel Day Lewis and every piece of hot and terrific actresses tossed onto a stage and strutting around in very appealing garments. I'm liking it. Even the musical aspect looks good. This one might not be a theatre film but it is a possible rental.
IT'S COMPLICATED TRAILER:
If this didn't have THE actors of the last generation (well Steve Martin not quite), this movie would look very cliche. Oh wait, no never mind, this movie still looks very cliche.
ROBIN HOOD TRAILER:
Ridley Scott is directing, Russell Crowe is of course starring, and we get clips of some of gritty action only Scott and Crowe could play out. I never thought the story of Robin Hood, which I had always attributed to that cheerful fox from the Disney movie, could be dark. Let's watch a Merry little movie for sure.
WONDERFUL WORLD TRAILER:
It's got Matthew Broderick, he looks magnificent, this might bring back his career and I certainly hope it does. Wonderful World is one I will have to see, though knowning my luck I probably won't see it in theatres.
REMEMBER ME TRAILER:
Wow, this Romeo and Juliet lookalike looks good. I knew there was some charisma to Robert Pattinson. Here he's going all James Dean on everything in sight. Plus Emile De Ravin as his beloved. See, I knew she wouldn't leave Lost for a pointless cameo in Public Enemies. I think this looks like a good match up. And just to make sure this isn't just for youngsters, we've got Pierce Brosnan and Chris Cooper as fathers of the movie's stars. I'm wanting to see it because it doesn't look like total done to death romadies...at least not totally. My only complaint is Pattinson pretty much paraphrases Morgan Freeman's last line in Seven to make himself sound cool.
SHUTTER ISLAND TRAILER:
Scorcese. Lehane. DiCaprio. Kingsley. Sydow. Haley. Island. Nuff said.
IRON MAN 2 TRAILER:
Okay this trailer makes it seem as if it will be every bit as good as the first Iron Man. We bare witness once again to Robert Downey, Jr. as the very smooth Tony Stark aka Iron Man who enjoys his newfound superhero celebrity. Than cut to Mickey Rourke as the villain Whiplash. Sporting bad teeth (well worse than his regular teeth), a Russian accent, and dual whips that would make Christ's torturers say "Yeah buddy, that is a bit much." In short he looks like a tough customer but then so does Iron Man and his new sidekick War Machine, played by Don Cheadle filling in for Terrence Howard. Oh yeah and we get glimpses here and there of Samuel L. Jacson as Nick Fury and Scarlett Johannson as Black Widow (which I do believe is the Marvel role she was born to play: a fiery redhead in black leather). So yeah, this looks like a keeper.
Skipping Avatar trailer because odds are you have seen the trailer a billion times on TV and you know it's gonna be awesome. So here is my second most anticipated movie.
INCEPTION TRAILER:
This trailer defines a teaser. It just gives you enough to catch your interest but not enough to know what's going on. Just from the few images we see, we know it's going to be a super charged sci fi thriller. Probably the most intriguing thing is two guys fighting in a hallway in which gravity does not seem to exist. It has an all star cast list, with Leonardo DiCaprio at the lead. Christopher Nolan is directing so you know it's gonna be awesome. I mean sure he's only directed those tiny unnoticed pictures like Memento, Insomnia, The Prestige, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight: blatant sarcasm, but he has got the skills to really blow us away and from the looks of it Inception might do just that. Still I need more. MORE DAMN YOU!!!
This has been the latest issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
BEGIN!!!
GREEN ZONE TRAILER:
Matt Damon as a G-man kicking ass. It's like a step down from The Bourne Trilogy and a major step up from The Good Shepherd. Not super impressive.
LEGION TRAILER:
Wow, watching this trailer I got the feeling like I've already seen this movie of war between angels, except much deeper, and more interesting. Oh yeah it was The Prophecy. This is that with Uzis. The only thing I really see this film has going for it is the casting of Paul Bettany as the hero and Kevin Durand as the villain. Otherwise, skip it.
WOLFMAN TRAILER:
You know the drill with Wolfman, no introductions necessary. But we've got a cast behind this one: Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Hugo Weaving. Some badasses. It looks very dark and kind of interesting. The only thing bad I can see is the special effects (balls is what it is). Maybe see it, maybe not.
SHERLOCK HOLMES TRAILER:
Okay let me see if I got my math right. Robert Downey, Jr. + Guy Ritchie + a half naked Rachel McAdams/Off putting goofiness = a pretty enjoyable experience. Let's take a look shall we.
KICK-ASS TRAILER:
Come on, a superhero movie where heroes have no powers and get their asses kicked, featuring Nicholas Cage and McLovin from Superbad. Yahuh, I'll have me a look, but maybe not in theatres.
THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS TRAILER:
Odd title. I'm not sure what the hell is supposed to be going on here but, as career mindfucker Terry Gilliam always does, I am left intrigued. I guess a character played by Heath Ledger, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell is trying to save some chick and a mystic played by Christopher Plummer from The Devil who looks like Tom Waits. Leading into a bunch of cartoonish dimensions where all sorts of crazyiness happens. This might be one I'll have to watch, then I'll decide whether or not people should see it while tripping acid.
TIM BURTON'S ALICE IN WONDERLAND TRAILER:
Gee, I wonder what happens. Well with Tim Burton I've done well to expect the unexpected and the trailer for his version of Alice in Wonderland is a real sight. Full of colors and admittedly cartoonish CGI. Burton's found another way to make his wife, Helena Bonham Carter, look weird in one of his movies and, indeed, another unfathomable way to make Johnny Depp look unrecognizable. It looks wild, demented, and fun like all of Burton's work. I would definetely see it.
DAYBREAKERS TRAILER:
As cool and interested I am in the movie after how serious the trailer makes the movie appear, I still find the premise silly. I know Anne Rice, a veteren vampire writer, has said that the vampire lore can be changed and with recent developments in Twilight I can't say she's wrong. But here, in a world where the population of vampires outweighs that of humans, it just doesn't feel right. The acting is what I think is gonna save this movie. You can't go wrong with Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe and Sam Neill. You don't mess with Sam Neill. He was Dr. Grant, bitches. Until I've heard reviews, I'm holding out for a rental.
PRINCE OF PERSIA TRAILER:
I played the game once...for like two seconds, but still. Okay can anyone really buy Jake Gyllenhaal as a Persian? He's a great actor I just don't think this is a role for him. Ben Kingsley on the other hand is another story. This British bad ass will play a black man some day. I mean his first movie role was Mahatmah Gandhi. Plus he played a very good Iranian man in House of Sand in Fog. Don't be fooled, people. I am in no way comparing the look of Prince of Persia to the cinema triumphs like Gandhi and House of Sand in Fog. It looks traditional, cheesy, and begs the question as to why these two great actors would be in this kind of movie.
CLASH OF THE TITANS TRAILER:
The remake of that movie I never saw. Clash of the Titans is apparently about a war between Gods, not angels like Legion. Who are the gods played by? Why Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. Okay what the hell is up with the cast of Schindler's List starring in these shitty looking sword and sandle flicks that look like they borrowed production material from 300. Basically in this trailer Sam Worthington stars as Perseus as he fights giant scropions and the Kraken from Pirates of The Caribbean while grown up Jack from Chronicles of Riddick is hanging by her wrists and Neeson and Fiennes look pissed off the entire time (which I must say is scarier than any giant scropion or Kraken I've ever seen). All in all, this movie looks lame.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET TRAILER:
Like a lot of remakes, I think the trailer looks good but more than likely the movie is gonna be shit. The only thing it has going for it is that it has the revitalized powerhouse actor Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy.
SALT TRAILER:
Finally we're giving Angelina Jolie some guns in a movie that doesn't look like total bullshit. She stars as a CIA Agent who goes on the run after being framed as a Russian operative. From the look of the trailer she seems to be the one incriminating herself while also beating up fellow agents and apparently trying to attack the president she was trying to save. Yeah it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, but Angelina is smokin' and Salt has peaked my interest a little. Wait to hear more.
THE EDGE OF DARKNESS TRAILER:
Mel Gibson is back after a long absence, he is an ex Boston cop, his daughter was gunned down right in front of him, he wants revenge. That's all you need to know right now. It looks every bit as bad ass as Gibson himself. Let's just pray he doesn't kill any Jews in this movie.
BROOKLYN'S FINEST TRAILER:
A movie directed by the guy who directed Training Day and starring some top notch actors as dirty cops and criminals, plus a story that looks very compelling. Oh yeah, this one might have to come my way.
44 INCH CHEST TRAILER:
From the guys who brought us the British crime masterpiece that is Sexy Beast, comes what looks like the British equivalent of Reservoir Dog. Starring Ray Winstone, Tom Wilkinson, John Hurt, Ian McShane, and Stephen Dillane all as British gangsters getting revenge. I'm in all the way. The only thing missing is Sir Ben Kingsley. Come on just cameo him as Don Logan for us Sexy Beast fans.
NINE TRAILER:
Nothing to do with that little CG Animated venture. No, this is a musical starring Daniel Day Lewis and every piece of hot and terrific actresses tossed onto a stage and strutting around in very appealing garments. I'm liking it. Even the musical aspect looks good. This one might not be a theatre film but it is a possible rental.
IT'S COMPLICATED TRAILER:
If this didn't have THE actors of the last generation (well Steve Martin not quite), this movie would look very cliche. Oh wait, no never mind, this movie still looks very cliche.
ROBIN HOOD TRAILER:
Ridley Scott is directing, Russell Crowe is of course starring, and we get clips of some of gritty action only Scott and Crowe could play out. I never thought the story of Robin Hood, which I had always attributed to that cheerful fox from the Disney movie, could be dark. Let's watch a Merry little movie for sure.
WONDERFUL WORLD TRAILER:
It's got Matthew Broderick, he looks magnificent, this might bring back his career and I certainly hope it does. Wonderful World is one I will have to see, though knowning my luck I probably won't see it in theatres.
REMEMBER ME TRAILER:
Wow, this Romeo and Juliet lookalike looks good. I knew there was some charisma to Robert Pattinson. Here he's going all James Dean on everything in sight. Plus Emile De Ravin as his beloved. See, I knew she wouldn't leave Lost for a pointless cameo in Public Enemies. I think this looks like a good match up. And just to make sure this isn't just for youngsters, we've got Pierce Brosnan and Chris Cooper as fathers of the movie's stars. I'm wanting to see it because it doesn't look like total done to death romadies...at least not totally. My only complaint is Pattinson pretty much paraphrases Morgan Freeman's last line in Seven to make himself sound cool.
SHUTTER ISLAND TRAILER:
Scorcese. Lehane. DiCaprio. Kingsley. Sydow. Haley. Island. Nuff said.
IRON MAN 2 TRAILER:
Okay this trailer makes it seem as if it will be every bit as good as the first Iron Man. We bare witness once again to Robert Downey, Jr. as the very smooth Tony Stark aka Iron Man who enjoys his newfound superhero celebrity. Than cut to Mickey Rourke as the villain Whiplash. Sporting bad teeth (well worse than his regular teeth), a Russian accent, and dual whips that would make Christ's torturers say "Yeah buddy, that is a bit much." In short he looks like a tough customer but then so does Iron Man and his new sidekick War Machine, played by Don Cheadle filling in for Terrence Howard. Oh yeah and we get glimpses here and there of Samuel L. Jacson as Nick Fury and Scarlett Johannson as Black Widow (which I do believe is the Marvel role she was born to play: a fiery redhead in black leather). So yeah, this looks like a keeper.
Skipping Avatar trailer because odds are you have seen the trailer a billion times on TV and you know it's gonna be awesome. So here is my second most anticipated movie.
INCEPTION TRAILER:
This trailer defines a teaser. It just gives you enough to catch your interest but not enough to know what's going on. Just from the few images we see, we know it's going to be a super charged sci fi thriller. Probably the most intriguing thing is two guys fighting in a hallway in which gravity does not seem to exist. It has an all star cast list, with Leonardo DiCaprio at the lead. Christopher Nolan is directing so you know it's gonna be awesome. I mean sure he's only directed those tiny unnoticed pictures like Memento, Insomnia, The Prestige, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight: blatant sarcasm, but he has got the skills to really blow us away and from the looks of it Inception might do just that. Still I need more. MORE DAMN YOU!!!
This has been the latest issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire Tribute.
"Ho, ho, d'oh!" - Homer Simpson
The Simpsons. Undoubtedly one of the greatest animated shows ever introduced to television. I love the hell out of it and keep watching even today. Of course The Simpsons came before my time and in it's early years it was the funniest. With Christmas just a few steps away, I would like to take refer back to the first official episode of The Simpsons: "The Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire" which premiered in 1989 originally. Now this is not the first time people witnessed The Simpsons, for The Simpsons, created by cartoonist Matt Groening, had an animated sketch on The Tracy Ullman show before they gained worldwide popularity of even a series. But a series did kick in and with it the popularity. So with that let's jump into why this episode is so great.
I always found it a bit ironic that the very first episode of the series was a Christmas episode, but really Christmas is the best time to show the colors of the family, at least how they were originally. In numerous ways, The Simpsons is an hyper realistic version of an actual American family. They are not wealthy by any means, the father works a low paying job, the mother is a sweet homemaker, the daughter is intelligent, the son is a troublemaker, and the baby is...well, a baby. They face the problems that come with parenthood, childhood, social issues, and the American economy but they do it all in very humorous ways. The first episode in oh so many ways symbolizes that premise to the show. It's satirical, hilarious, realistic, and heartwarming.
It all takes place around Christmas time and amidst all of the lists, organization, straing and tragedies that come with the holiday, everything that could possibly go wrong does. At first Homer doesn't really worry about the fact that his evil boss Mr. Burns takes away the Christmas bonuses to all of the employees because Marge has kept a savings. Things take a turn for the worse however when she has to spend the savings to remove a tattoe Bart got. This leaves Homer in a bind to work an extra job to afford money for Christmas. He struggles but it is never enough. In the end he does not have the money to buy the family what they had originally wanted, but an opportunity arises for him to bring home one present and that really makes all of the difference as it was the best present they would ever want but didn't think of. It is really touching.
Funny how a show can capture so many real life moments and put them all into a single episode, not to mention the first episode and an animated one at that. It's funny, charming, and honest. A perfect episode to start a twenty year long series. Love The Simpsons.
This has been a look back at a TV legend with Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
The Simpsons. Undoubtedly one of the greatest animated shows ever introduced to television. I love the hell out of it and keep watching even today. Of course The Simpsons came before my time and in it's early years it was the funniest. With Christmas just a few steps away, I would like to take refer back to the first official episode of The Simpsons: "The Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire" which premiered in 1989 originally. Now this is not the first time people witnessed The Simpsons, for The Simpsons, created by cartoonist Matt Groening, had an animated sketch on The Tracy Ullman show before they gained worldwide popularity of even a series. But a series did kick in and with it the popularity. So with that let's jump into why this episode is so great.
I always found it a bit ironic that the very first episode of the series was a Christmas episode, but really Christmas is the best time to show the colors of the family, at least how they were originally. In numerous ways, The Simpsons is an hyper realistic version of an actual American family. They are not wealthy by any means, the father works a low paying job, the mother is a sweet homemaker, the daughter is intelligent, the son is a troublemaker, and the baby is...well, a baby. They face the problems that come with parenthood, childhood, social issues, and the American economy but they do it all in very humorous ways. The first episode in oh so many ways symbolizes that premise to the show. It's satirical, hilarious, realistic, and heartwarming.
It all takes place around Christmas time and amidst all of the lists, organization, straing and tragedies that come with the holiday, everything that could possibly go wrong does. At first Homer doesn't really worry about the fact that his evil boss Mr. Burns takes away the Christmas bonuses to all of the employees because Marge has kept a savings. Things take a turn for the worse however when she has to spend the savings to remove a tattoe Bart got. This leaves Homer in a bind to work an extra job to afford money for Christmas. He struggles but it is never enough. In the end he does not have the money to buy the family what they had originally wanted, but an opportunity arises for him to bring home one present and that really makes all of the difference as it was the best present they would ever want but didn't think of. It is really touching.
Funny how a show can capture so many real life moments and put them all into a single episode, not to mention the first episode and an animated one at that. It's funny, charming, and honest. A perfect episode to start a twenty year long series. Love The Simpsons.
This has been a look back at a TV legend with Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Modest PSA # 4: Southland Tales
DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR...
You know what, fuck it. I'm sorry, I can't get into the Modest PSA zone. I can't get into character. This movie pisses me off so much. It would just be stupid for me to say it is not meant to be taken seriously. It's totally meant to be taken seriously. Here we go. Southland Tales.
For those of you fortunate enough not to know, Southland Tales is the second film by director Richard Kelly, the creator of one of my favorite films Donnie Darko. Now Donnie Darko is a sweet movie. I don't mean cute and cuddly sweet, but BADASS sweet. It's a damn cult classic and belongs in my library of films new and old. When I heard the whiz kid filmmaker who created that monster was going to be making another film. A film made with bigger actors and on a wider scale of epicness so it was told. A film that mixed together political and religious satire with some existential thoughts and threw at the audience in a web of comedic cinema. Well needless to say I was pumped and excited. Then I saw it.
I was disappointed at first. I wasn't angry like I am now and forever will be, but I was let down. Where to begin: everyone involved with the film should forever be embarrassed. It's a stain on everyone's reputation and the beginning of The Rock's downward slope in movies and he was doing so damn good. He isn't The Rock anymore. He's Dwayne Johnson starring in bad Disney movies. You'd think a movie with an ensemble cast: (featuring just about every modern or former SNL castmember, Sean William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kevin Smith, Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake, Holmes Osbourne, that psychic chick from Poltergeist, Mr. Inconceivable from Princess Bride, Bai Ling, and the bad guy from Richie Rich...Okay fine there aren't that many famous people in this movie!!! Or at least no one to write to home about). Let's just say no actor is good in this movie, besides Holmes Osbourne (because his character is just as confused as the audience), and leave at that. The story is just all over place, doesn't make any sense, especially when handing out explanations. There's something about time travel, and then the story bears a striking resemblence to a script The Rock and Gellar wrote, subplot after subplot all of which go nowhere, some kind of Apocalypse happening at the same time of a revolution, all to the tone of really cliche post 9/11 bullshit or some new American disaster. Makes no fuckin sense. I guess if you want to look at production value like the sets and special effects I suppose this could be pretty good but you just don't care as story and performance are what mainly hold any movie up at all. Richard Kelly, who showed a lot promise in his ability to direct actors in his previous film, cannot direct a single one in Southland Tales. It leads me to think, as I've said in my Netflix review of the film, that Kelly must have been shot in the head to make a movie this devoid of reason or logic or emotion when his last film had a wealth of all three.
To make matters worse, Southland Tales has a cult following. It's like those really bad movies that people somehow just can't help but respond to. It's like how Napoleon Dynamite is to me and other people.
Everything that could be wrong with a movie is here. Southland Tales is just something a filmmaker who shows as much skill as Richard Kelly cannot live down. You can make any Richard Matheson adaptation you want but it won't make me forget. Southland Tales, what a horrible movie. Even if you manage to figure out what it all really means in the end, it'll just make even less sense. Don't even look at this movie's cover. Watching it may cause you to cover your ears and rock in a corner for several hours, have delayed schizophrenic outbursts, or random self mutilations. Or maybe it'll just leave a bad taste of your mouth and make you beg for the two and half hours of your life you spent watching it. You don't watch a movie like Southland Tales, you survive it.
So now you and knowing is half the battle. And Your Modest Guru recommends you take care of the rest. Thanks for reading. Jesus...
You know what, fuck it. I'm sorry, I can't get into the Modest PSA zone. I can't get into character. This movie pisses me off so much. It would just be stupid for me to say it is not meant to be taken seriously. It's totally meant to be taken seriously. Here we go. Southland Tales.
For those of you fortunate enough not to know, Southland Tales is the second film by director Richard Kelly, the creator of one of my favorite films Donnie Darko. Now Donnie Darko is a sweet movie. I don't mean cute and cuddly sweet, but BADASS sweet. It's a damn cult classic and belongs in my library of films new and old. When I heard the whiz kid filmmaker who created that monster was going to be making another film. A film made with bigger actors and on a wider scale of epicness so it was told. A film that mixed together political and religious satire with some existential thoughts and threw at the audience in a web of comedic cinema. Well needless to say I was pumped and excited. Then I saw it.
I was disappointed at first. I wasn't angry like I am now and forever will be, but I was let down. Where to begin: everyone involved with the film should forever be embarrassed. It's a stain on everyone's reputation and the beginning of The Rock's downward slope in movies and he was doing so damn good. He isn't The Rock anymore. He's Dwayne Johnson starring in bad Disney movies. You'd think a movie with an ensemble cast: (featuring just about every modern or former SNL castmember, Sean William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kevin Smith, Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake, Holmes Osbourne, that psychic chick from Poltergeist, Mr. Inconceivable from Princess Bride, Bai Ling, and the bad guy from Richie Rich...Okay fine there aren't that many famous people in this movie!!! Or at least no one to write to home about). Let's just say no actor is good in this movie, besides Holmes Osbourne (because his character is just as confused as the audience), and leave at that. The story is just all over place, doesn't make any sense, especially when handing out explanations. There's something about time travel, and then the story bears a striking resemblence to a script The Rock and Gellar wrote, subplot after subplot all of which go nowhere, some kind of Apocalypse happening at the same time of a revolution, all to the tone of really cliche post 9/11 bullshit or some new American disaster. Makes no fuckin sense. I guess if you want to look at production value like the sets and special effects I suppose this could be pretty good but you just don't care as story and performance are what mainly hold any movie up at all. Richard Kelly, who showed a lot promise in his ability to direct actors in his previous film, cannot direct a single one in Southland Tales. It leads me to think, as I've said in my Netflix review of the film, that Kelly must have been shot in the head to make a movie this devoid of reason or logic or emotion when his last film had a wealth of all three.
To make matters worse, Southland Tales has a cult following. It's like those really bad movies that people somehow just can't help but respond to. It's like how Napoleon Dynamite is to me and other people.
Everything that could be wrong with a movie is here. Southland Tales is just something a filmmaker who shows as much skill as Richard Kelly cannot live down. You can make any Richard Matheson adaptation you want but it won't make me forget. Southland Tales, what a horrible movie. Even if you manage to figure out what it all really means in the end, it'll just make even less sense. Don't even look at this movie's cover. Watching it may cause you to cover your ears and rock in a corner for several hours, have delayed schizophrenic outbursts, or random self mutilations. Or maybe it'll just leave a bad taste of your mouth and make you beg for the two and half hours of your life you spent watching it. You don't watch a movie like Southland Tales, you survive it.
So now you and knowing is half the battle. And Your Modest Guru recommends you take care of the rest. Thanks for reading. Jesus...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Prototype Review
"They call me a murderer. A terrorist. A monster. I am all of these things." - Alex Mercer
Okay so recently I've finished the sci fi action video game Prototype. Did I like it? Yes. Would you? Well let's find out. Prototype is a free roaming, third person action adventure that includes a gritty and complex story, intriguing gameplay mechanics, some very well detailed graphics, and new and amazing ways to blow stuff up. Now if that doesn't interest you then so be it. If it does then keep reading.
I love high octane and frenzied gameplay when it comes to video games. If it involves action and a lot of movement that any epileptic would shake to, plus a story I can at least care about, then that's all I really need.
STORY:
This is a rather basic sci fi action plot. A deadly virus is released in the heart of Manhatten. The government has sealed off the whole island and will kill anyone who tries to leave. In a lab two scientists are shocked to find a man believed to be dead turns up alive and heavily mutated. He is Alex Mercer, apparently a former government scientist. He now has amnesia and is hunted by the military. He has a mission now: find out who he really is, how to stop the virus and the government, and kill anyone who gets in his way. And so there you have it.
BASICS:
A lot of games include very complex gameplay patterns that annoy some, but here you get the hang of things pretty quick. Your character has a high variety of moves and skills that can take down most any enemy. Prototype's gameplay is very reminiscent to the gameplay of Spiderman 2 for PS2 or consoles like PS2, except the environment is a bit better detailed and far more destructive. Most anything can be destroyed so, as with games such as Grand Theft Auto, innocents are very fragile and killing them may be nearly inevitable. With a movement system classified as parkour, you can run up, jump off, slide along, hurl yourself into or keep a pace on just about anything.
TOOLS:
Your character can be simply called superpowered. He has superhuman strength, speed, agility, etc. He also has the power of shapeshifting, but you can only morph into one person at a time. Also, a person must be consumed, this gets you their identity, their health and more importantly their memories. Your character is stricken with amnesia, and in certain cases when consuming a person, you may absorb helpful memories. I would recommend you shapeshift a lot because your character looks like a douche (a hoody under leather jacket, tight light blue jeans). Oh yeah, your shapeshifting ability also gains access to a variety of weapons that are apart of your body. These weapons include clawed hands, a deadly whiplash, massive and destructive fists, and a large jagged claw which replaces an arm. Head to toe Spawn-like body armor will show up later, which is pretty cool. You also have a glide ability that comes in handy when a distance is too large to jump across. The city is full of military personnel, so you can take a variety of weapons off of those you kill. This includes assualt rifles, bazookas, tanks, helicopters. Your character also has a wide range of fighting abilities that can take down almost any obstacle in the game. Combination moves work well in hand to hand, melee, or armed combat.
ENEMIES:
There are plenty of enemies, and they are mostly weak compared to you, but enough of them can kill you easily. The city is mutating on an increasing level. Humans are slowly turning into zombie like characters who attack the helpless, but like all zombies they are pretty easy to take out. More modified mutants are around and will be very hard to take down in groups. Military will be your first problem. They are everywhere and always watching. The first sign of abilities and sometimes even your face will alert them and they will attack with all they've got. Killing them may help but usually there's so many it'd probably just be best to run away and morph into someone else. I wouldn't recommend trying to leave the island either, if you do an air strike will rain down on your head. You will face the occasional boss every now and then and they can be very difficult. There might be a specific tough mutant or G-man that must be faced. One mutant in particular is Elizabeth Green, a powerful creature very reminiscent to your own character. The last boss I can't really reveal as it is something of a surprise.
GRAPHICS:
The game looks very good. Graphics could always be better but I like this. Almost every inch is of the city is done with care. NPCs are given a few models and then just copied to make crowds but most games are like that. I can't find any real problems with it.
OVERALL:
I think Prototype is a very enjoyable game. If it had just been a simple story mode game then over I probably wouldn't be as enthusiastic. But a free roam game you are allowed to go about the city and get into trouble even after the game ends. Gameplay is frenetic and fun. If a game involves fighting the fight should be exciting. Graphics are good and I am pleased with it. Prototype may not give you exactly what you want in story but it makes up for that with every other aspect. If it is not the game you prefer then so be it. If it is then buy it definetly.
This has been a detailed game review from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Okay so recently I've finished the sci fi action video game Prototype. Did I like it? Yes. Would you? Well let's find out. Prototype is a free roaming, third person action adventure that includes a gritty and complex story, intriguing gameplay mechanics, some very well detailed graphics, and new and amazing ways to blow stuff up. Now if that doesn't interest you then so be it. If it does then keep reading.
I love high octane and frenzied gameplay when it comes to video games. If it involves action and a lot of movement that any epileptic would shake to, plus a story I can at least care about, then that's all I really need.
STORY:
This is a rather basic sci fi action plot. A deadly virus is released in the heart of Manhatten. The government has sealed off the whole island and will kill anyone who tries to leave. In a lab two scientists are shocked to find a man believed to be dead turns up alive and heavily mutated. He is Alex Mercer, apparently a former government scientist. He now has amnesia and is hunted by the military. He has a mission now: find out who he really is, how to stop the virus and the government, and kill anyone who gets in his way. And so there you have it.
BASICS:
A lot of games include very complex gameplay patterns that annoy some, but here you get the hang of things pretty quick. Your character has a high variety of moves and skills that can take down most any enemy. Prototype's gameplay is very reminiscent to the gameplay of Spiderman 2 for PS2 or consoles like PS2, except the environment is a bit better detailed and far more destructive. Most anything can be destroyed so, as with games such as Grand Theft Auto, innocents are very fragile and killing them may be nearly inevitable. With a movement system classified as parkour, you can run up, jump off, slide along, hurl yourself into or keep a pace on just about anything.
TOOLS:
Your character can be simply called superpowered. He has superhuman strength, speed, agility, etc. He also has the power of shapeshifting, but you can only morph into one person at a time. Also, a person must be consumed, this gets you their identity, their health and more importantly their memories. Your character is stricken with amnesia, and in certain cases when consuming a person, you may absorb helpful memories. I would recommend you shapeshift a lot because your character looks like a douche (a hoody under leather jacket, tight light blue jeans). Oh yeah, your shapeshifting ability also gains access to a variety of weapons that are apart of your body. These weapons include clawed hands, a deadly whiplash, massive and destructive fists, and a large jagged claw which replaces an arm. Head to toe Spawn-like body armor will show up later, which is pretty cool. You also have a glide ability that comes in handy when a distance is too large to jump across. The city is full of military personnel, so you can take a variety of weapons off of those you kill. This includes assualt rifles, bazookas, tanks, helicopters. Your character also has a wide range of fighting abilities that can take down almost any obstacle in the game. Combination moves work well in hand to hand, melee, or armed combat.
ENEMIES:
There are plenty of enemies, and they are mostly weak compared to you, but enough of them can kill you easily. The city is mutating on an increasing level. Humans are slowly turning into zombie like characters who attack the helpless, but like all zombies they are pretty easy to take out. More modified mutants are around and will be very hard to take down in groups. Military will be your first problem. They are everywhere and always watching. The first sign of abilities and sometimes even your face will alert them and they will attack with all they've got. Killing them may help but usually there's so many it'd probably just be best to run away and morph into someone else. I wouldn't recommend trying to leave the island either, if you do an air strike will rain down on your head. You will face the occasional boss every now and then and they can be very difficult. There might be a specific tough mutant or G-man that must be faced. One mutant in particular is Elizabeth Green, a powerful creature very reminiscent to your own character. The last boss I can't really reveal as it is something of a surprise.
GRAPHICS:
The game looks very good. Graphics could always be better but I like this. Almost every inch is of the city is done with care. NPCs are given a few models and then just copied to make crowds but most games are like that. I can't find any real problems with it.
OVERALL:
I think Prototype is a very enjoyable game. If it had just been a simple story mode game then over I probably wouldn't be as enthusiastic. But a free roam game you are allowed to go about the city and get into trouble even after the game ends. Gameplay is frenetic and fun. If a game involves fighting the fight should be exciting. Graphics are good and I am pleased with it. Prototype may not give you exactly what you want in story but it makes up for that with every other aspect. If it is not the game you prefer then so be it. If it is then buy it definetly.
This has been a detailed game review from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Heroes: Redemption Part 1
"I say it's time we found our way home again." - Samuel Sullivan
Anyone who may watch Heroes someday I will just let you know:
SPOILER WARNING!!!
Okay I love Heroes and a little lag in the storyline doesn't sway me from the show at all. Now the main premise of the entire series is that ordinary people begin to discover that they are developing superhuman abilities at certain points in their lives within a realistic but nevertheless somewhat hyper-real world. I know that sounds familiar...CoughX-MenCough! But this is the kind of show I've craved for. A show about superheroes and villains in the real world. Or as real as the world can be with superheroes and villains.
You've got a bagillion characters with powers: Hiro Nakamura, a nerdy Japanese cubicle worker who discovers he can control time and space (albiet badly). Peter Petrelli, a hospice nurse who discovers he can mimic other people's powers. Nathan Petrelli, Peter's politician brother who can fly. Claire Bennet, a confused ex cheerleader who is indestructable. Claire's father Noah Bennet, a former detainer of all things superpowered. Matt Parkman, a police officer who can read minds and control thoughts. Mohinder Suresh, a scientist whose quest to help people with abilities lead to his own abilities of super strength and agility. And recently Tracy Struass, an ex political advisor who can control ice and water while also being the long lost twin sister of a better character who got killed off awhile ago. The primary villain is Sylar, a former outcast watchmaker turned serial killer and stealer of powers. I like almost every one of them. My favorites usually vary with the choices they make of course.
MAJOR SPOILER, LIKE DO NOT READ
To briefly recap last season's ending: Sylar once again rises once all of the other current villains are dead or incapacitated and seeks to kill and assume the identity of the President. Peter and Nathan Petrelli finally put aside their differences and fight Sylar themselves. In the end Peter manages to take Sylar down, but Nathan is killed in the battle unbeknownst to his brother and most of the cast. Nathan's mother Angela, conniving matriarch of the Petrelli family, and Noah Bennet convince Matt Parkman to remove Sylar's personality from his body and replace it with Nathan's, successfully bringing him back without anyone knowing what happened to him. A dead shapeshifter who appears to be Sylar is cremated, convincing everyone that the villain is dead for good.
So now starting off with our new volume, called Redemption I guess because the word was mentioned in the opening speech, we are introduced to a helluva lot of new characters. Most importantly I guess is the villain Samuel Sullivan, played by Robert Knepper from Prison Break fame. Samuel is the shady new leader of The Carnival, a sanctuary of sorts for people with abilities. New leader because his brother Joseph has just died. Significant members of The Carnival include Lydia, a woman who can tell the future through tattoes or something like that (I'm not really sure), and Edgar, a knife wielding lackey with super speed. There is also a deaf woman named Emma Coolidge who works in the same hospital as Peter. Emma can see sound in bright and fantastical colors and discovers that she may be able to channel sound energy into a form of attack. Another character is Claire's college roommate Gretchen, played by Madeline Zima who I know as the little girl from The Nanny. Two female child actors all grown up who are no longer cute so much as they are hot and acting side by side as roommates in a modern TV show, it's almost inevitable that there would be some kind of romance between them. Well a romance in the works is implied, if it is not than a good kiss and exposition went to waste. Then there is Lauren, a former partner and near flame of Noah's from his days with The Company who provides a possible love interest. Oh yeah, Noah and his wife have divorced. In other news, Nathan is beginning to uncover the truth that he is different now, having no idea he is living inside Sylar's body. Sylar on the other hand is of course still alive and dwelling inside Matt Parkman's head, threatening his attempts at a normal life. Tracy Strauss is contributing nothing but drama. Claire Bennet is playing the same tune of wanting to be either normal or accepted while attending college. Playful Hiro is still dying and screwing at righting the wrongs of the past. Noah is again trying to sink into a normal life.
The events that have taken place so far don't feel like an advancing story as much as filler until something better happens. No one has done too much yet. Samuel seems to have been spouting the same speech within every new episode, not even Knepper's good acting helps there. Hiro goes from his childish dreams of being a comic book super hero despite his terminal illness, but then ends up in a repetitive state of demanding Charlie's location, his true love whom he saved with help from past Sylar but who is then taken away by Samuel as leverage. Tracy Strauss does pretty much what she did last season which was complain about her power. Claire complains about fitting in AGAIN. Her father does little to help AGAIN. The only thing interesting going on is scenarios involving the duos of Parkman and Sylar and Peter and Nathan. Parkman is losing control of the monster trapped in his head. Meanwhile Nathan loses touch with himself slowly as Peter struggles to make time for him amidst his life of saving people. Ah Peter Petrelli, the only figured out character who has always wanted and does use his powers to do superheroic things. That is a main criticism I've seen among those who give Heroes negative reviews: you'd think with so many superpowered characters a few of them would actually do interesting things with their powers.
Before the break we are left with a bit to take in. Samuel turns out to be the one who killed his brother for standing in the way of his true potential. He frames Edgar for his brother's murder, leaving Edgar to form an alliance with Hiro before fleeing. Hiro meanwhile disappears to "rescue Watson" after one of Samuel's carnival friends does something to his mind. Mysterious! Hiro has placed Mohinder in a mental hospital to keep him from screwing up things with Samuel. Claire and Tracy join Samuel, believing him to be the one person who understands their plight. Parkman returns to his wife for the time being after Sylar gets back into his own body. Sylar finds trouble however when Nathan's mind quarrels with his own. This leads to a pretty cool showdown between Sylar and a well prepared Peter, who precedes to defeat Sylar, disable his powers, torture him, and repress his mind for a bit. Nathan, tired of fighting, gives up his last bit of life. Peter is left distraught while Sylar walks away fully in control. All in all Redemption isn't perfect but it is pretty entertaining so far. It feels a little too much like Season 2 where nothing really happens and the plot isn't advancing much.
As far as performances go, the show delivers as always. As with Season 3, the top actors here are Adrian Pasdar and Zachary Quinto, who portray Nathan and Sylar. Pasdar brings out much despair and emptiness once again in Nathan, a character I at first disliked but one who grew on me. Quinto shines as Sylar in his everchanging personalties. For the most part he is the psychopathic true Sylar who enjoys nothing more than gaining power and causing suffering. This may actually be his best work as the killer, without going over the top as he sometimes does. The other Sylar is the frightened amnesiac (this was excellant work). Milo Ventimiglia finally had his big emotional moment as Peter in Nathan's death scene. It is good stuff. Anyone else I could commend would be Robert Knepper as Samuel. Maybe he just puts a lot of energy and feeling and method into the role that he just intrigues me for some reason. He has the makings of a truly destructive villain, I hope Samuel goes further than just one time main enemies that are easily overcome like Daniel Linderman, Arthur Petrelli and Adam Monroe. Also Mark L. Young, who played a tragic character for a few episodes, a teenager who couldn't control his powers. He was perfect in his few episodes.
So yeah, Redemption has not really impressed me as much as it has left me wanting the really good part of the story that will hopefully surface after the break. I will wait eagerly until that time. I just hope that they don't drop the ball totally because despite it's lag I think it might be shaping to be something real cool.
This has been a long ass fan frenzied post regarding Heroes from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Anyone who may watch Heroes someday I will just let you know:
SPOILER WARNING!!!
Okay I love Heroes and a little lag in the storyline doesn't sway me from the show at all. Now the main premise of the entire series is that ordinary people begin to discover that they are developing superhuman abilities at certain points in their lives within a realistic but nevertheless somewhat hyper-real world. I know that sounds familiar...CoughX-MenCough! But this is the kind of show I've craved for. A show about superheroes and villains in the real world. Or as real as the world can be with superheroes and villains.
You've got a bagillion characters with powers: Hiro Nakamura, a nerdy Japanese cubicle worker who discovers he can control time and space (albiet badly). Peter Petrelli, a hospice nurse who discovers he can mimic other people's powers. Nathan Petrelli, Peter's politician brother who can fly. Claire Bennet, a confused ex cheerleader who is indestructable. Claire's father Noah Bennet, a former detainer of all things superpowered. Matt Parkman, a police officer who can read minds and control thoughts. Mohinder Suresh, a scientist whose quest to help people with abilities lead to his own abilities of super strength and agility. And recently Tracy Struass, an ex political advisor who can control ice and water while also being the long lost twin sister of a better character who got killed off awhile ago. The primary villain is Sylar, a former outcast watchmaker turned serial killer and stealer of powers. I like almost every one of them. My favorites usually vary with the choices they make of course.
MAJOR SPOILER, LIKE DO NOT READ
To briefly recap last season's ending: Sylar once again rises once all of the other current villains are dead or incapacitated and seeks to kill and assume the identity of the President. Peter and Nathan Petrelli finally put aside their differences and fight Sylar themselves. In the end Peter manages to take Sylar down, but Nathan is killed in the battle unbeknownst to his brother and most of the cast. Nathan's mother Angela, conniving matriarch of the Petrelli family, and Noah Bennet convince Matt Parkman to remove Sylar's personality from his body and replace it with Nathan's, successfully bringing him back without anyone knowing what happened to him. A dead shapeshifter who appears to be Sylar is cremated, convincing everyone that the villain is dead for good.
So now starting off with our new volume, called Redemption I guess because the word was mentioned in the opening speech, we are introduced to a helluva lot of new characters. Most importantly I guess is the villain Samuel Sullivan, played by Robert Knepper from Prison Break fame. Samuel is the shady new leader of The Carnival, a sanctuary of sorts for people with abilities. New leader because his brother Joseph has just died. Significant members of The Carnival include Lydia, a woman who can tell the future through tattoes or something like that (I'm not really sure), and Edgar, a knife wielding lackey with super speed. There is also a deaf woman named Emma Coolidge who works in the same hospital as Peter. Emma can see sound in bright and fantastical colors and discovers that she may be able to channel sound energy into a form of attack. Another character is Claire's college roommate Gretchen, played by Madeline Zima who I know as the little girl from The Nanny. Two female child actors all grown up who are no longer cute so much as they are hot and acting side by side as roommates in a modern TV show, it's almost inevitable that there would be some kind of romance between them. Well a romance in the works is implied, if it is not than a good kiss and exposition went to waste. Then there is Lauren, a former partner and near flame of Noah's from his days with The Company who provides a possible love interest. Oh yeah, Noah and his wife have divorced. In other news, Nathan is beginning to uncover the truth that he is different now, having no idea he is living inside Sylar's body. Sylar on the other hand is of course still alive and dwelling inside Matt Parkman's head, threatening his attempts at a normal life. Tracy Strauss is contributing nothing but drama. Claire Bennet is playing the same tune of wanting to be either normal or accepted while attending college. Playful Hiro is still dying and screwing at righting the wrongs of the past. Noah is again trying to sink into a normal life.
The events that have taken place so far don't feel like an advancing story as much as filler until something better happens. No one has done too much yet. Samuel seems to have been spouting the same speech within every new episode, not even Knepper's good acting helps there. Hiro goes from his childish dreams of being a comic book super hero despite his terminal illness, but then ends up in a repetitive state of demanding Charlie's location, his true love whom he saved with help from past Sylar but who is then taken away by Samuel as leverage. Tracy Strauss does pretty much what she did last season which was complain about her power. Claire complains about fitting in AGAIN. Her father does little to help AGAIN. The only thing interesting going on is scenarios involving the duos of Parkman and Sylar and Peter and Nathan. Parkman is losing control of the monster trapped in his head. Meanwhile Nathan loses touch with himself slowly as Peter struggles to make time for him amidst his life of saving people. Ah Peter Petrelli, the only figured out character who has always wanted and does use his powers to do superheroic things. That is a main criticism I've seen among those who give Heroes negative reviews: you'd think with so many superpowered characters a few of them would actually do interesting things with their powers.
Before the break we are left with a bit to take in. Samuel turns out to be the one who killed his brother for standing in the way of his true potential. He frames Edgar for his brother's murder, leaving Edgar to form an alliance with Hiro before fleeing. Hiro meanwhile disappears to "rescue Watson" after one of Samuel's carnival friends does something to his mind. Mysterious! Hiro has placed Mohinder in a mental hospital to keep him from screwing up things with Samuel. Claire and Tracy join Samuel, believing him to be the one person who understands their plight. Parkman returns to his wife for the time being after Sylar gets back into his own body. Sylar finds trouble however when Nathan's mind quarrels with his own. This leads to a pretty cool showdown between Sylar and a well prepared Peter, who precedes to defeat Sylar, disable his powers, torture him, and repress his mind for a bit. Nathan, tired of fighting, gives up his last bit of life. Peter is left distraught while Sylar walks away fully in control. All in all Redemption isn't perfect but it is pretty entertaining so far. It feels a little too much like Season 2 where nothing really happens and the plot isn't advancing much.
As far as performances go, the show delivers as always. As with Season 3, the top actors here are Adrian Pasdar and Zachary Quinto, who portray Nathan and Sylar. Pasdar brings out much despair and emptiness once again in Nathan, a character I at first disliked but one who grew on me. Quinto shines as Sylar in his everchanging personalties. For the most part he is the psychopathic true Sylar who enjoys nothing more than gaining power and causing suffering. This may actually be his best work as the killer, without going over the top as he sometimes does. The other Sylar is the frightened amnesiac (this was excellant work). Milo Ventimiglia finally had his big emotional moment as Peter in Nathan's death scene. It is good stuff. Anyone else I could commend would be Robert Knepper as Samuel. Maybe he just puts a lot of energy and feeling and method into the role that he just intrigues me for some reason. He has the makings of a truly destructive villain, I hope Samuel goes further than just one time main enemies that are easily overcome like Daniel Linderman, Arthur Petrelli and Adam Monroe. Also Mark L. Young, who played a tragic character for a few episodes, a teenager who couldn't control his powers. He was perfect in his few episodes.
So yeah, Redemption has not really impressed me as much as it has left me wanting the really good part of the story that will hopefully surface after the break. I will wait eagerly until that time. I just hope that they don't drop the ball totally because despite it's lag I think it might be shaping to be something real cool.
This has been a long ass fan frenzied post regarding Heroes from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Obama goan git em
Oh the sadness of Barack Obama's presidency. Oh the horror of the one preceding his own. And the countless bullet holes left in this country's honor left for him to mend. Of course he will not fix everything in a flash, even he has stressed this. There is simply too much shit to clean up. I won't go into too much detail on said shit as I have done that in the last previous posts regarding Barry O'Bama.
But still I must reiterate from previous rants that Obama is expected of quickly doing things far beyond his power and maliciously beaten down by the pathetic half of America. You know, the ones who call him Hitler. The ones who won't shut up during meetings that even seem to be heading toward a liberal viewpoint. The ones who still bitch about his birth certificate. Do you think any of these people would have denied Hawaii as part of these United States before Obama came along?
The point is with this yang country halve and his failure to make everything better with the snap of his fingers, Barry's points are down and dropping. That's bad. So recently, I'm sure in order to appease these fools with far too great expectations, Barack has been announcing his support to continue the war with Afghanistan. Earlier tonight, I watched as he gave another of his masterful speeches to a mass of America's soldiers. It was much better than George W's "Yeah, we goan git em" approach to such a speech. While I am not enthusiastic about this (just don't dig war that much), Obama thankfully did not make this declaration of war or continued war sound like the beginning of the end of everything he stands for and the restoration of our nation but rather the means to an end. An end to the Bush-Cheney Presidency's corrupt conflict. Someone on the Huffington Post commented that Obama seemed to have been choking up while in front of those young men and women in uniform. I might have seen it myself. In his eyes was not quite defeat, but sorrow. He is not far enough into the game to prepare for defeat already. No, this looks more like a smaller form. Something called selling out. Obama is forced to sell out his principles and one of his promises made during his campaign in order to boost his approval ratings and, with the utmost hope, end one of the dirty wars left for him to clean up. Really I think that's all he wants, to finish the war as quickly and cleanly as possible. He'd pursued similar action when ordering the killings of those dangerous pirates and kidnappers. Fast and efficient methods all to get the job done. I don't believe Obama is a man who seeks to continue violence.
I have not lost hope for a bright future for Barack Obama's presidency and, thus, I have not lost hope for a brighter future for America. I think in time he will make a glorious name for himself in history outside of the racial significance. He has the integrity and prowess to become one of the most prominent Presidents this country has ever seen. I hope the people's resentment toward him will only strengthen his resolve and turn him into a better leader at the end of his term and possible second.
This latest development with Afghanistan is not the first step in blotting out Barack Obama's ethics and principles, but hopefully it is the first step in building onto them and the last time he will ever be forced to betray them. He is a good man. It's hard to be a good man in a world as cutthroat as politics.
This has been another report on our current President from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
But still I must reiterate from previous rants that Obama is expected of quickly doing things far beyond his power and maliciously beaten down by the pathetic half of America. You know, the ones who call him Hitler. The ones who won't shut up during meetings that even seem to be heading toward a liberal viewpoint. The ones who still bitch about his birth certificate. Do you think any of these people would have denied Hawaii as part of these United States before Obama came along?
The point is with this yang country halve and his failure to make everything better with the snap of his fingers, Barry's points are down and dropping. That's bad. So recently, I'm sure in order to appease these fools with far too great expectations, Barack has been announcing his support to continue the war with Afghanistan. Earlier tonight, I watched as he gave another of his masterful speeches to a mass of America's soldiers. It was much better than George W's "Yeah, we goan git em" approach to such a speech. While I am not enthusiastic about this (just don't dig war that much), Obama thankfully did not make this declaration of war or continued war sound like the beginning of the end of everything he stands for and the restoration of our nation but rather the means to an end. An end to the Bush-Cheney Presidency's corrupt conflict. Someone on the Huffington Post commented that Obama seemed to have been choking up while in front of those young men and women in uniform. I might have seen it myself. In his eyes was not quite defeat, but sorrow. He is not far enough into the game to prepare for defeat already. No, this looks more like a smaller form. Something called selling out. Obama is forced to sell out his principles and one of his promises made during his campaign in order to boost his approval ratings and, with the utmost hope, end one of the dirty wars left for him to clean up. Really I think that's all he wants, to finish the war as quickly and cleanly as possible. He'd pursued similar action when ordering the killings of those dangerous pirates and kidnappers. Fast and efficient methods all to get the job done. I don't believe Obama is a man who seeks to continue violence.
I have not lost hope for a bright future for Barack Obama's presidency and, thus, I have not lost hope for a brighter future for America. I think in time he will make a glorious name for himself in history outside of the racial significance. He has the integrity and prowess to become one of the most prominent Presidents this country has ever seen. I hope the people's resentment toward him will only strengthen his resolve and turn him into a better leader at the end of his term and possible second.
This latest development with Afghanistan is not the first step in blotting out Barack Obama's ethics and principles, but hopefully it is the first step in building onto them and the last time he will ever be forced to betray them. He is a good man. It's hard to be a good man in a world as cutthroat as politics.
This has been another report on our current President from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
The Twilight Factor
"Darkness is so predictable. Don't you think?" - Edward Cullen
No I have not read the books. No I have not seen the movie(s). Yes I did get that line off of Wikiquote. If any Twilight fans have got a problem with that I will only tell you that I can't watch the movies because I haven't read the books, and I haven't read the books because I am enjoying a different fantasy series...cough!Dark Tower!cough! But hey I needed something and I'd like that line. This is a post not really about Twilight because, frankly, if I haven't read or seen the material I can't judge too much. It's more about my thoughts on the fandom and what I think the series will be like.
Twilight. In case a Twilight fan has dared to leave you uninformed, Twilight is your usual boy meets girl-girl has low self esteem-boy is mysterious-girl can't resist boy-vice versa-boy turns out to be vampire-girl turns out to not care-they fall in love-live morbidly ever after story. Let's start off with the fans. I don't care if it's Twilight or Star Wars or Battlefield Earth (well Scientologists love it at least) or Halo or Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 or...Jesus, fans are going to be annoying one way or another. Here are the traits of your typical fan: 1) whatever they are fans of cannot possibly be bad. 2) saying it is bad is blasphemy and punishable by crucifixion or lightsaber. 3) it is more than likely the focal point of most of their conversations. 4) any reasonable arguement against the fandom will be contradicted by any means and I mean ANY MEANS. 5) they will one day, hopefully one day, grow up and look back on the time that they were fans of a particular medium and be utterly embarrassed with themselves. But in the case of Twilight, seeing how most people I know enjoy the series, fans may never stop loving the series.
Being that Twilight is a romance series, it's not a vampire-romance series because the so called creatures of the night are not vampires, girls between the ages of nine to forty-five will respond positively to it.
I'm not trying to start an arguement, but based on what my Twilight loving friends have told me the "vampire" characters seem to rarely show any signs of vampirism: instead of burning in the sunlight they merely sparkle, I guess there are like two of them who actually drink human blood, and they have some kind of intoxicating beauty. Actually the intoxicating beauty part may have always existed, why else were all of those girls lunging there throats at Dracula and Lestat. Still, until I see some evidence of vampirism, I'm just calling them the Immortal Sparklers.
Back to the fans. They are enthusiastic to say the least. I can't imagine why there were people at Comic Con '09 dressed as characters because the characters seemed to have dressed like normal people. Oh and Robert Pattinson's hair doesn't count because you aren't dressing as Edward Cullen you are dressing as Robert Pattinson. The romance aspect of the story will catch many girls' attention and give them that "oh my gorsh it's so sweet" feeling. But from what I've been told and what I've read it sounds pretty hollow. Apparently throughout the novel the narrator and main protagonist Bella Swan is doing nothing but describing the appearance of her beloved Immortal Sparkler Edward Cullen. That's not a developing romance, that's a description for blind people. I don't think romance is the real attention grabber of Twilight, gazing into eyes isn't romance and talking about being together isn't romance and a description of how irresistable someone is isn't romance.
The real attention grabber of Twilight is hot guys. I have never heard any Twilight fan talk about how romantic Twilight is in the context of the story. This leads me to believe there is not actual romance. What they do talk about though is Edward Cullen or the actor who portrays him, Robert Pattinson and how attractive he is. The negative reviews for New Moon have described it as porn for women pure and simple. And due to fan clarification that seems to be what it is. I could've guessed that would be the case when watching the New Moon trailer, all it seems to be is a shirtless and pale Edward Cullen, a shirtless and muscley tan Jacob Black, or his equally shirtless and muscley tan clan of "dogs" (those don't look like werewolves to me, those look like goddamn anamorphs). Sure you've got the hotness of Kristen Stewart, who a lot of people think is repetitive and sucks but not me. It still doesn't catch my interest anymore.
What originally caught my interest, other than the awesome book cover art, was what I first heard about Twilight: it was to be a vampire-romance novel, two genres I enjoy and would not have minded involving myself with. Then the fandom and the news came along. From what has been revealed, Twilight shows vampires in an image that doesn't appeal to me, has stalled if not soap operaish romance and is more frequently classified as chick porn. So yeah, as of right now I'm kind of uninterested.
I will read the series one day when the time feels right. The Dark Tower is too much fun for me. Even in the vast intricate universe of The Dark Tower series there is time for good romance: the main character Roland has a brief romance in the beginning, the relationship is mercenary but involving still as he could not care too much about anyone as anyone would have to be shed emotionlessly from his life for the sake of his mission. In the second book there is a very good romance between two newly introduced characters, to each other and the reader, Eddie Dean and the woman then called Odetta Holmes. In just a few pages you can tell just how much these two people care for each other and need each other and begin to fall in love. It is very effective and convincing. And this relationship has a conflict too, being that Eddie is a recovering drug addict and Odetta has a homicidal multiple personality. Twilight fans, once the euphoria of that series wears off and if you are interested begin reading The Dark Tower series. God help you when The Dark Tower comes to the big screen, then all of the fans I had to hear huddling together giggling about Twilight will have to endure me as I rave about The Dark Tower's epicness.
So in the end, I won't have a real problem with Twilight until I've read the series. I am still skeptical though. Fans enjoy your series, I look forward to your banter of the future movie adaptations. Peace out.
This has been my thoughts on Immortal Sparkler hype of Twilight from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
No I have not read the books. No I have not seen the movie(s). Yes I did get that line off of Wikiquote. If any Twilight fans have got a problem with that I will only tell you that I can't watch the movies because I haven't read the books, and I haven't read the books because I am enjoying a different fantasy series...cough!Dark Tower!cough! But hey I needed something and I'd like that line. This is a post not really about Twilight because, frankly, if I haven't read or seen the material I can't judge too much. It's more about my thoughts on the fandom and what I think the series will be like.
Twilight. In case a Twilight fan has dared to leave you uninformed, Twilight is your usual boy meets girl-girl has low self esteem-boy is mysterious-girl can't resist boy-vice versa-boy turns out to be vampire-girl turns out to not care-they fall in love-live morbidly ever after story. Let's start off with the fans. I don't care if it's Twilight or Star Wars or Battlefield Earth (well Scientologists love it at least) or Halo or Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 or...Jesus, fans are going to be annoying one way or another. Here are the traits of your typical fan: 1) whatever they are fans of cannot possibly be bad. 2) saying it is bad is blasphemy and punishable by crucifixion or lightsaber. 3) it is more than likely the focal point of most of their conversations. 4) any reasonable arguement against the fandom will be contradicted by any means and I mean ANY MEANS. 5) they will one day, hopefully one day, grow up and look back on the time that they were fans of a particular medium and be utterly embarrassed with themselves. But in the case of Twilight, seeing how most people I know enjoy the series, fans may never stop loving the series.
Being that Twilight is a romance series, it's not a vampire-romance series because the so called creatures of the night are not vampires, girls between the ages of nine to forty-five will respond positively to it.
I'm not trying to start an arguement, but based on what my Twilight loving friends have told me the "vampire" characters seem to rarely show any signs of vampirism: instead of burning in the sunlight they merely sparkle, I guess there are like two of them who actually drink human blood, and they have some kind of intoxicating beauty. Actually the intoxicating beauty part may have always existed, why else were all of those girls lunging there throats at Dracula and Lestat. Still, until I see some evidence of vampirism, I'm just calling them the Immortal Sparklers.
Back to the fans. They are enthusiastic to say the least. I can't imagine why there were people at Comic Con '09 dressed as characters because the characters seemed to have dressed like normal people. Oh and Robert Pattinson's hair doesn't count because you aren't dressing as Edward Cullen you are dressing as Robert Pattinson. The romance aspect of the story will catch many girls' attention and give them that "oh my gorsh it's so sweet" feeling. But from what I've been told and what I've read it sounds pretty hollow. Apparently throughout the novel the narrator and main protagonist Bella Swan is doing nothing but describing the appearance of her beloved Immortal Sparkler Edward Cullen. That's not a developing romance, that's a description for blind people. I don't think romance is the real attention grabber of Twilight, gazing into eyes isn't romance and talking about being together isn't romance and a description of how irresistable someone is isn't romance.
The real attention grabber of Twilight is hot guys. I have never heard any Twilight fan talk about how romantic Twilight is in the context of the story. This leads me to believe there is not actual romance. What they do talk about though is Edward Cullen or the actor who portrays him, Robert Pattinson and how attractive he is. The negative reviews for New Moon have described it as porn for women pure and simple. And due to fan clarification that seems to be what it is. I could've guessed that would be the case when watching the New Moon trailer, all it seems to be is a shirtless and pale Edward Cullen, a shirtless and muscley tan Jacob Black, or his equally shirtless and muscley tan clan of "dogs" (those don't look like werewolves to me, those look like goddamn anamorphs). Sure you've got the hotness of Kristen Stewart, who a lot of people think is repetitive and sucks but not me. It still doesn't catch my interest anymore.
What originally caught my interest, other than the awesome book cover art, was what I first heard about Twilight: it was to be a vampire-romance novel, two genres I enjoy and would not have minded involving myself with. Then the fandom and the news came along. From what has been revealed, Twilight shows vampires in an image that doesn't appeal to me, has stalled if not soap operaish romance and is more frequently classified as chick porn. So yeah, as of right now I'm kind of uninterested.
I will read the series one day when the time feels right. The Dark Tower is too much fun for me. Even in the vast intricate universe of The Dark Tower series there is time for good romance: the main character Roland has a brief romance in the beginning, the relationship is mercenary but involving still as he could not care too much about anyone as anyone would have to be shed emotionlessly from his life for the sake of his mission. In the second book there is a very good romance between two newly introduced characters, to each other and the reader, Eddie Dean and the woman then called Odetta Holmes. In just a few pages you can tell just how much these two people care for each other and need each other and begin to fall in love. It is very effective and convincing. And this relationship has a conflict too, being that Eddie is a recovering drug addict and Odetta has a homicidal multiple personality. Twilight fans, once the euphoria of that series wears off and if you are interested begin reading The Dark Tower series. God help you when The Dark Tower comes to the big screen, then all of the fans I had to hear huddling together giggling about Twilight will have to endure me as I rave about The Dark Tower's epicness.
So in the end, I won't have a real problem with Twilight until I've read the series. I am still skeptical though. Fans enjoy your series, I look forward to your banter of the future movie adaptations. Peace out.
This has been my thoughts on Immortal Sparkler hype of Twilight from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Obama: respectful and PROUD OF IT
"Never gonna stop, yeah, never gonna stop." - Rob Zombie
The most recent bashing of Obama's integrity comes in the form of, of all things, a sign of respect to foreign neighbors. In greeting the Japanese Emperor and his wife, Barack Obama gave the cultural bow as I thought would have been expected. But no. The media has something else to critique Barack Obama about. He is being insulted for respecting a person's culture, not just a person but the Emperor of Japan. That is someone you pull out all stops for just like he would do for the American President himself I'm sure if on our soil.
It's just another distraction, just something else to bitch about. I think the bad ass US Representative Alan Grayson made it perfectly and honestly clear that whatever Obama does is going to be received negatively, be it "ending world hunger" or "building world peace". I guess it's the way hardcore Christianists believe will happen to nonbelievers: you could save the world ten times over and still go to hell. When it comes to Obama these days it's you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. That is an unacceptable way to treat the President of the United States. Sure I hated the hell out of George Bush but I did not beat the piss out of everything he did, I mean there was a small eight percent of things he might've done right.
People are stupid. I know that is a pretty plain and kind of juvenile way of putting it but it's true. Most people these days can't find actual things to get angry about. It's all bullshit things that even the least clever person in the world wouldn't use as comeback lines. Now that shit's pathetic.
Please god, don't let people get any dumber as the years go by.
This has been another case of American idiocy, and more to come from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
The most recent bashing of Obama's integrity comes in the form of, of all things, a sign of respect to foreign neighbors. In greeting the Japanese Emperor and his wife, Barack Obama gave the cultural bow as I thought would have been expected. But no. The media has something else to critique Barack Obama about. He is being insulted for respecting a person's culture, not just a person but the Emperor of Japan. That is someone you pull out all stops for just like he would do for the American President himself I'm sure if on our soil.
It's just another distraction, just something else to bitch about. I think the bad ass US Representative Alan Grayson made it perfectly and honestly clear that whatever Obama does is going to be received negatively, be it "ending world hunger" or "building world peace". I guess it's the way hardcore Christianists believe will happen to nonbelievers: you could save the world ten times over and still go to hell. When it comes to Obama these days it's you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. That is an unacceptable way to treat the President of the United States. Sure I hated the hell out of George Bush but I did not beat the piss out of everything he did, I mean there was a small eight percent of things he might've done right.
People are stupid. I know that is a pretty plain and kind of juvenile way of putting it but it's true. Most people these days can't find actual things to get angry about. It's all bullshit things that even the least clever person in the world wouldn't use as comeback lines. Now that shit's pathetic.
Please god, don't let people get any dumber as the years go by.
This has been another case of American idiocy, and more to come from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The US Government presents: results!
"Ha ha!" - Nelson Muntz
About a month ago, NASA scientists launched a device to the moon's surface. This device would then clarify as to whether or not the moon has water, seeing as how it has ice, and it having water could mean life could possibly exist on the planet in the future. Perhaps life could have even existed there millions of years ago. It was very crucial and exciting news.
Of course the majority of Americans did not know that this was NASA's intention. Oh no, no, no they thought NASA was trying to do something even better with millions of tax payers dollars: see how big of a fucking explosion they could cause on the Moon. Of course they were absolutely pissed when our vision of the device's missile impact did little more than raise a cloud of dust and debris. They were expecting a huge, flaming, MICHAEL BAY EXPLOSION. And of course the majority of Americans failed to realize that there can't be a huge, flaming, Michael Bay explosion in space because there is no oxygen in space. With that, everyone in America was pretty disappointed with the "failed" experiment. But they were wrong the experiment has as of late been a success as the device has supplied NASA with true information that the Moon does indeed have water.
For this I say WHAT NOW BITCHES?
Finally a recent scientific discovery that the world can actually give a shit about. While driving our cars to the Moon may be a little ways into the future, a Moon station, or possibly colonization, might not be that far fetched in years to come. This is really cool stuff, but sadly all those explosion enthusiasts have probably written off this NASA experiment a month ago as "FAIL", "EPIC FAIL", "WHAT THE HELL, I WOKE UP EIGHT HOURS EARLIER FOR THIS BULLSHIT!" And those people are the morons who will be like "WHAAAA" when they discover that NASA, consisting of some of the greatest minds in the world, wasn't all that interested in blowing shit up on the Moon. What fun would they have blowing shit up on the Moon when they're having so much fun finding new ways to blow shit up on Earth?
This has been an important scientific update from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
About a month ago, NASA scientists launched a device to the moon's surface. This device would then clarify as to whether or not the moon has water, seeing as how it has ice, and it having water could mean life could possibly exist on the planet in the future. Perhaps life could have even existed there millions of years ago. It was very crucial and exciting news.
Of course the majority of Americans did not know that this was NASA's intention. Oh no, no, no they thought NASA was trying to do something even better with millions of tax payers dollars: see how big of a fucking explosion they could cause on the Moon. Of course they were absolutely pissed when our vision of the device's missile impact did little more than raise a cloud of dust and debris. They were expecting a huge, flaming, MICHAEL BAY EXPLOSION. And of course the majority of Americans failed to realize that there can't be a huge, flaming, Michael Bay explosion in space because there is no oxygen in space. With that, everyone in America was pretty disappointed with the "failed" experiment. But they were wrong the experiment has as of late been a success as the device has supplied NASA with true information that the Moon does indeed have water.
For this I say WHAT NOW BITCHES?
Finally a recent scientific discovery that the world can actually give a shit about. While driving our cars to the Moon may be a little ways into the future, a Moon station, or possibly colonization, might not be that far fetched in years to come. This is really cool stuff, but sadly all those explosion enthusiasts have probably written off this NASA experiment a month ago as "FAIL", "EPIC FAIL", "WHAT THE HELL, I WOKE UP EIGHT HOURS EARLIER FOR THIS BULLSHIT!" And those people are the morons who will be like "WHAAAA" when they discover that NASA, consisting of some of the greatest minds in the world, wasn't all that interested in blowing shit up on the Moon. What fun would they have blowing shit up on the Moon when they're having so much fun finding new ways to blow shit up on Earth?
This has been an important scientific update from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Evil little babies...Wait what?
"My name is Michael J. Caboose and I hate BABIES!!!" - Michael J. Caboose
Has the Republican Party just become a total circus this year. A Democrat is in office for less than a year and the whole massive conservative forces have already converted to some scorched earth insanity that not even Adolf Hitler could comprehend. If anyone thinks a Hitler statement in relation to the Republican Party is too much, I will clear myself by advising you to look at their drone army rallies with posters of Obama as Hitler. But I digress.
The latest case of a conservative dick move comes from Arizona House Representative John Shedegg. Instead of just acting like a self righteous bullshitter like every other Republican, he throws something unexpected on to the table: a baby. Yes, he has his infant granddaughter in The House of Representatives as a ploy to get his point across of the new healthcare plan as being evil, or socialist, or faschist, or whatever. He goes on using the oblivious little girl as a tool, saying "she" doesn't want her parents to have the Government in charge of their healthcare. "She" doesn't want their hands in her miniature pockets. "She" doesn't want them to take her bottle. So on and so bullshit.
Well Rep. Shedegg, in the future SHE probably will be infuriated that she was used as a prop for the a political party supporting something that screws over thousands of Americans every day. SHE would be more passionate about an episode of Dora the Explorer or Barney rather than a dull as hell political meeting. SHE can't even speak right now, so I think SHE doesn't support much of any cause right now. And I think SHE, a child, shouldn't be used as a card you play to pull the wings off of a fly.
I know all of you people out there, ultra conservative or not, will be literally in AWE of this baby. That is the desired effect: you know what the guy is there to say, what his opinion is and so on, then throw in a baby, something cute and cuddly to tug at your heart strings meanwhile Mr. White Cuffs talks about how this new healthcare plan will rape her and her children in the future. After that your sold and they win.
Look at the baby. The whole time, the baby isn't deeply enthralled or moved by her grampika's speech. She's fumbling around with the microphone. Other than the fact that babies are naturally clingy, my best guess as to why she is trying to Kanye West that microphone is because she is desperately trying to sabotage the speech. Babies cry when they see Ronald McDonald; this kid is in a room full of old, gray white guys whose skin sag like a full grocery bag (yay rhymes), not to mention one of them talking loudly into a microphone right by her ears. Not even a whimper out of the kid. Either they are holding her blankey hostage or the Republican Party threatened to have the conservative media brand her "Leftist Baby".
This whole negatively received fiasco has only strengthened my theory that the Republican Party has no shame when it comes to the schoolyard bully tactics that they call politics. Perhaps one day when the adrenaline dies down, these assholes will realize that some things simply must be done. I end off by giving my sympathies to the poor infant child subjected to an idea against something that could be the first step to helping people in the future.
This has been a entry of madness from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Has the Republican Party just become a total circus this year. A Democrat is in office for less than a year and the whole massive conservative forces have already converted to some scorched earth insanity that not even Adolf Hitler could comprehend. If anyone thinks a Hitler statement in relation to the Republican Party is too much, I will clear myself by advising you to look at their drone army rallies with posters of Obama as Hitler. But I digress.
The latest case of a conservative dick move comes from Arizona House Representative John Shedegg. Instead of just acting like a self righteous bullshitter like every other Republican, he throws something unexpected on to the table: a baby. Yes, he has his infant granddaughter in The House of Representatives as a ploy to get his point across of the new healthcare plan as being evil, or socialist, or faschist, or whatever. He goes on using the oblivious little girl as a tool, saying "she" doesn't want her parents to have the Government in charge of their healthcare. "She" doesn't want their hands in her miniature pockets. "She" doesn't want them to take her bottle. So on and so bullshit.
Well Rep. Shedegg, in the future SHE probably will be infuriated that she was used as a prop for the a political party supporting something that screws over thousands of Americans every day. SHE would be more passionate about an episode of Dora the Explorer or Barney rather than a dull as hell political meeting. SHE can't even speak right now, so I think SHE doesn't support much of any cause right now. And I think SHE, a child, shouldn't be used as a card you play to pull the wings off of a fly.
I know all of you people out there, ultra conservative or not, will be literally in AWE of this baby. That is the desired effect: you know what the guy is there to say, what his opinion is and so on, then throw in a baby, something cute and cuddly to tug at your heart strings meanwhile Mr. White Cuffs talks about how this new healthcare plan will rape her and her children in the future. After that your sold and they win.
Look at the baby. The whole time, the baby isn't deeply enthralled or moved by her grampika's speech. She's fumbling around with the microphone. Other than the fact that babies are naturally clingy, my best guess as to why she is trying to Kanye West that microphone is because she is desperately trying to sabotage the speech. Babies cry when they see Ronald McDonald; this kid is in a room full of old, gray white guys whose skin sag like a full grocery bag (yay rhymes), not to mention one of them talking loudly into a microphone right by her ears. Not even a whimper out of the kid. Either they are holding her blankey hostage or the Republican Party threatened to have the conservative media brand her "Leftist Baby".
This whole negatively received fiasco has only strengthened my theory that the Republican Party has no shame when it comes to the schoolyard bully tactics that they call politics. Perhaps one day when the adrenaline dies down, these assholes will realize that some things simply must be done. I end off by giving my sympathies to the poor infant child subjected to an idea against something that could be the first step to helping people in the future.
This has been a entry of madness from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Summing Up Halloween
"Death has come to your little town." - Dr. Sam Loomis
Okay I know I'm posting this a few days after Halloween, but I have to get this under way before I move onto to other things. The Halloween horror franchise has probably stretched itself out as far as it will go unless there is another reboot in the future. Aside from Rob Zombie's continuation of his remake, I have watched every Halloween movie to date. My opinions on them were strong when I was a kid because as a kid I was really into the slasher film franchises but now as I've matured and grown out of them mostly I have different views. So to end my Horror Season I will Sum Up the Halloween Franchise.
BEGIN!!!
Halloween (1978):
Holy god that was awesomely scary, but did he really get his eye jabbed out.
Halloween II (1981):
That was pretty good. Michael must've retreated to a nearby house after he got shot to watch Friday the 13th and thought to himself "Okay my approach only catches me knives, bullets, hangers, and balconies. Maybe Mrs. Voorhees had the right idea." Yeah, he found out, as did Mrs. Voorhees, that this never turns out in their favor. PS I think Laurie has a fetish for taking Michael's eyes.
Halloween III:
...What the hell?
Halloween 4 The Return of Michael Myers:
Okay how did Michael AND Dr. Loomis survive being caught in the eye of an explosion? I can see Michael with his whole "purely and simply evil" thing but Loomis is a man. And old. At least Michael is scary again. Nice cliffhanger, if this were Lost someone would've had to have been like "WHAT?" PS I guess the explosion blew Michaels eyes back into their sockets because last time I checked sister Laurie put a bullet in each one.
Halloween 5 The Revenge of Michael Myers:
Well this was just weird. Let me get this straight, Michael's survives what might be his biggest barrage of gunfire, a fall down a mineshaft, a dive in the river, and a long foodless coma only to be reawakened near Halloween via a telepathic link to his catatonic niece only to go on another killing spree, get caught like an escaped zoo attraction by Dr. Loomis and thrown in jail only to be rescued by a machine gun toting man in black who has been showing up in the background throughout the movie? Okay filmmakers, you got me. Guess I have to watch the next movie.
Halloween 6 The Origin of Michael Myers:
Alright now they've just gone comic book soap opera on us, they've Heroesed us. Consider for a moment that Dr. Loomis got it all wrong in the first movie. Yeah, Michael Myers was never simply an inherently evil psychopath, he was the product of long held cult prophecy. His murderous rampage and desire to exterminate his family was driven not by his own impulses but because if he didn't a generation of cult people would not flourish. And to boot Michael is apparently made to impregnate his niece and then kill her brutally. And somehow the new descendants of Laurie Strode's adopted family become involved due to the fact that they are living in Michael's home. AND a still living Dr. Loomis has teamed up with a character played by Paul Rudd of all people to defeat Michael and the cult. In the end we get some pretty good scares, a plot that ruins the mythos and an awesome final fight between Michael Myers and the Paul Rudd character...Betcha ten bucks Michael isn't dead at the end.
Halloween H20:
Brother and sister. Hero and villain. Laurie and Michael. A last showdown, a fight to the death in the majestic halls of...A college campus. Okay this movie is not that great. By the end we get Michael being bludgeoned with fists by Josh Hartnett, bludgeoned with a rock by Michelle Williams, and fucked up in every way shape or form by our uber badass Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh and among the bodies you'll find LL Cool J and Joseph Gordon Levitt. And my god, I think they've actually ended this thing. I think it's finally over. He's dead, the William Shatner looking son of a bitch is dead! Oh there is a god, there is a-
Halloween Resurrection:
-Oh son of a bitch, really it was the ambulance driver under the mask. I know Michael is crafty but I really don't think he'd be smart enough to pull off crushing a guy's larynx, switching outfits, and convince everyone else the other guy's him. I guess Michael can tell the future. Oh but wait, we open with another bad ass showdown between Michael and Laurie in the majestic halls of...a mental institution. I think this movie is going somewhere. Oh but wait, Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are leading a reality TV show group into the Myers house. Now THAT sounds like a story, yeah you can just write off Laurie's entire arc. Essentially Michael is just killing people with no real motive other than the fact that they are on his turf. Resurrection is a comedy, watching a wise cracking Busta Rhymes run circles around Michael Myers with karate moves is just hilarious. BUT DOES HE LIVE! Refer back to the last six pointless sequels and you'll have your answer.
Halloween (2007):
Rob Zombie hits and misses equally. The first half of the movie is a darkly unique look of what could have been (but what I didn't think should be) Michael Myers' past and descent into murder and his relationship with Dr. Loomis. The second half however is the remake and it sucks. After realizing he could only crowbar in about 10 percent of character development for our original but totally model worthy girls, Rob decides to just take the easy route with a remaining 90 percent of gore, tits, and screaming. Yes, there is more screaming in the last half of the movie than there is dialogue and that's not a good thing. Rob succeeds at making Michael The Shape a bit more interesting than just a slow walk and stab but really the character was created as a one dimensional force of nature, an evil force. That was John Carpenter's intention and I think that's better than the product of a dysfunctional white trash family. They should've explained Michael's father, maybe his father was a killer too. But no all we get is Jenny from Forrest Gump topless telling us that daddy Myers "is in heaven." Bullshit, man. Bullshit.
Well that's Halloween for ya. If you're a fan of the slasher genre, go ahead and have fun watching the whole series. It keeps your interest just a little bit and with Michael on the screen it's hard not to be tensed up. But if you want my opinion, stop at the first Halloween. I know it has an open ending but that's what is so fun about it. I think Michael getting shot and then disappearing into the night is better than Michael getting shot and disappearing into the night only to later be blown up in a hospital only later to be gunned down by cops only later to be the product of a cult's diabolical plan while hunting down and knocking up and killing his neice only later to hunt down and kill his sister only later to have his ass kicked and burned alive by Busta Rhymes and then somehow turned into a white trash dilenquint in a Rob Zombie reimagining. Wow that's a mouthful.
This has been another issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Okay I know I'm posting this a few days after Halloween, but I have to get this under way before I move onto to other things. The Halloween horror franchise has probably stretched itself out as far as it will go unless there is another reboot in the future. Aside from Rob Zombie's continuation of his remake, I have watched every Halloween movie to date. My opinions on them were strong when I was a kid because as a kid I was really into the slasher film franchises but now as I've matured and grown out of them mostly I have different views. So to end my Horror Season I will Sum Up the Halloween Franchise.
BEGIN!!!
Halloween (1978):
Holy god that was awesomely scary, but did he really get his eye jabbed out.
Halloween II (1981):
That was pretty good. Michael must've retreated to a nearby house after he got shot to watch Friday the 13th and thought to himself "Okay my approach only catches me knives, bullets, hangers, and balconies. Maybe Mrs. Voorhees had the right idea." Yeah, he found out, as did Mrs. Voorhees, that this never turns out in their favor. PS I think Laurie has a fetish for taking Michael's eyes.
Halloween III:
...What the hell?
Halloween 4 The Return of Michael Myers:
Okay how did Michael AND Dr. Loomis survive being caught in the eye of an explosion? I can see Michael with his whole "purely and simply evil" thing but Loomis is a man. And old. At least Michael is scary again. Nice cliffhanger, if this were Lost someone would've had to have been like "WHAT?" PS I guess the explosion blew Michaels eyes back into their sockets because last time I checked sister Laurie put a bullet in each one.
Halloween 5 The Revenge of Michael Myers:
Well this was just weird. Let me get this straight, Michael's survives what might be his biggest barrage of gunfire, a fall down a mineshaft, a dive in the river, and a long foodless coma only to be reawakened near Halloween via a telepathic link to his catatonic niece only to go on another killing spree, get caught like an escaped zoo attraction by Dr. Loomis and thrown in jail only to be rescued by a machine gun toting man in black who has been showing up in the background throughout the movie? Okay filmmakers, you got me. Guess I have to watch the next movie.
Halloween 6 The Origin of Michael Myers:
Alright now they've just gone comic book soap opera on us, they've Heroesed us. Consider for a moment that Dr. Loomis got it all wrong in the first movie. Yeah, Michael Myers was never simply an inherently evil psychopath, he was the product of long held cult prophecy. His murderous rampage and desire to exterminate his family was driven not by his own impulses but because if he didn't a generation of cult people would not flourish. And to boot Michael is apparently made to impregnate his niece and then kill her brutally. And somehow the new descendants of Laurie Strode's adopted family become involved due to the fact that they are living in Michael's home. AND a still living Dr. Loomis has teamed up with a character played by Paul Rudd of all people to defeat Michael and the cult. In the end we get some pretty good scares, a plot that ruins the mythos and an awesome final fight between Michael Myers and the Paul Rudd character...Betcha ten bucks Michael isn't dead at the end.
Halloween H20:
Brother and sister. Hero and villain. Laurie and Michael. A last showdown, a fight to the death in the majestic halls of...A college campus. Okay this movie is not that great. By the end we get Michael being bludgeoned with fists by Josh Hartnett, bludgeoned with a rock by Michelle Williams, and fucked up in every way shape or form by our uber badass Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh and among the bodies you'll find LL Cool J and Joseph Gordon Levitt. And my god, I think they've actually ended this thing. I think it's finally over. He's dead, the William Shatner looking son of a bitch is dead! Oh there is a god, there is a-
Halloween Resurrection:
-Oh son of a bitch, really it was the ambulance driver under the mask. I know Michael is crafty but I really don't think he'd be smart enough to pull off crushing a guy's larynx, switching outfits, and convince everyone else the other guy's him. I guess Michael can tell the future. Oh but wait, we open with another bad ass showdown between Michael and Laurie in the majestic halls of...a mental institution. I think this movie is going somewhere. Oh but wait, Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are leading a reality TV show group into the Myers house. Now THAT sounds like a story, yeah you can just write off Laurie's entire arc. Essentially Michael is just killing people with no real motive other than the fact that they are on his turf. Resurrection is a comedy, watching a wise cracking Busta Rhymes run circles around Michael Myers with karate moves is just hilarious. BUT DOES HE LIVE! Refer back to the last six pointless sequels and you'll have your answer.
Halloween (2007):
Rob Zombie hits and misses equally. The first half of the movie is a darkly unique look of what could have been (but what I didn't think should be) Michael Myers' past and descent into murder and his relationship with Dr. Loomis. The second half however is the remake and it sucks. After realizing he could only crowbar in about 10 percent of character development for our original but totally model worthy girls, Rob decides to just take the easy route with a remaining 90 percent of gore, tits, and screaming. Yes, there is more screaming in the last half of the movie than there is dialogue and that's not a good thing. Rob succeeds at making Michael The Shape a bit more interesting than just a slow walk and stab but really the character was created as a one dimensional force of nature, an evil force. That was John Carpenter's intention and I think that's better than the product of a dysfunctional white trash family. They should've explained Michael's father, maybe his father was a killer too. But no all we get is Jenny from Forrest Gump topless telling us that daddy Myers "is in heaven." Bullshit, man. Bullshit.
Well that's Halloween for ya. If you're a fan of the slasher genre, go ahead and have fun watching the whole series. It keeps your interest just a little bit and with Michael on the screen it's hard not to be tensed up. But if you want my opinion, stop at the first Halloween. I know it has an open ending but that's what is so fun about it. I think Michael getting shot and then disappearing into the night is better than Michael getting shot and disappearing into the night only to later be blown up in a hospital only later to be gunned down by cops only later to be the product of a cult's diabolical plan while hunting down and knocking up and killing his neice only later to hunt down and kill his sister only later to have his ass kicked and burned alive by Busta Rhymes and then somehow turned into a white trash dilenquint in a Rob Zombie reimagining. Wow that's a mouthful.
This has been another issue of Sum Ups from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
My Top Ten Movie Scares
"You must make a friend horror. Horror and absolute terror...Are friends. If they are not...Than they are enemies to be feared." - Colonel Kurtz
As you may have noticed my last few blog posts have been about particularly spooky things such as Silent Hill, scary movies, the Saw series and Rush Limbaugh of course. This is because we are approaching one of my favorite nights of the year, Halloween. I love this night, well I actually love its meaning. It is the one time in the year where mankind is allowed to celebrate evil and darkness. If God is real he was probably one day just like "Okay fuck it, they're gonna do it anyway. Maybe if I give them just one night to blow off steam and let it all out that'll be the end of it." Yeah many of us were still evil after the first Halloween, but all of us thought it was fun. So to continue this cycle of fear, I will divulge some of the scariest scares I've seen in movies. So now, in honor of Samhain and Halloween Night, this is my top ten movie scares.
SPOILER WARNING
10. The pawn shop basement scene from Pulp Fiction
"Bring out The Gimp."
This is kind of cheating I know, because a lot people find this scene to be hilarious. So do I, but that's just it. Some of the funniest things seem really disturbing, and this scene is one of the most disturbing scenes that seems really funny. In a film that caught a lot of people off guard with it's plot points, this one probably did it the best. It comes out of nowhere! Okay, so a boxer cheats a gangster out of a deal they made and somehow the two see each other on the street. They get into a huge destructive fight in the middle of Los Angeles and eventually the two wind up at each other's throats in some random pawn shop. Just as one is about to kill the other, the hillbilly pawn shop owner Maynard pulls a shotgun and knocks them both out. When they wake up they are in the basement, bound to chairs and ball gagged. A security guard and friend of Maynard's named Zed shows up. That's when they bring out The Gimp: a man turned gitty human slave covered head to toe in bondage leather who lives in a box in the floor. After a game of enie meanie minie moe, the gangster is taken in the back room and raped by Zed and Maynard while the boxer is left with The Gimp. Most of my readers probably know how they get out of this predictament, so I'll just say it's even stranger. So yeah, this scene is darkly humourous but also just a totally horrifying thought and situation. It's the worst case of bad luck in the history of fictional stories.
9. The death of Frank from Hellraiser
"Jeeesuuus wept!"
If a movie goes beyond the level of gore as Hellrasier, that's where I draw the line. So to sum up this particular scene, Frank is a depraved adventurer who finds a puzzle box that is said to be the key to unimaginable pleasure. Little did Frank know, there are many different ideas of pleasure. Okay let's just say when Frank solved the puzzle, masters of agony and agents of Hell called Cenobites appear and mutilate Frank. His sister in law and lover manages to bring him back to life later by killing unsuspecting potential lovers for Frank to drain of blood and flesh. The Cenobites use Frank's indebted neice to find him again. When they do, they send chains tearing into every part of his body and once again mutilating him. After laughing bitterly at his own misfortune, The Cenobites rip Frank apart. This may be one of the goriest things I have ever seen. It's just astounding how bloody and painful it is. It hurt me it was so bad. I'm lucky to be uncertain and unconfident and bad at puzzles, so I will never be indebted to The Cenobites. Then again, I swear to God that is the easiest puzzle in the world to solve.
8. The intruder scene from The Strangers
"Because you were home."
This whole movie really gave me the creeps. That's saying something because this is a modern horror movie and most modern horror movies suck. The Strangers got back to the basics with a slasher movie. It is largely inspired by 1978's Halloween. This scene takes place right before the three attackers decide to totally invade the house. So the Liv Tyler character's boyfriend, played by Scott Speedman, goes out for a drive and leaves her alone at the house. She pretty much just hangs out bored. So after she gets off the phone with him and lights a smoke, right in the background some guy walks out from the front entrance corridor. He's tall, wears a suit and a ghost like hood over his face. All he does is stare at her and she doesn't notice him as she does the dishes. So finally after a moment of staring at her, he leaves and lets her know he's there by closing the front door loudly. It just sets the mood for the rest of the film and makes your skin crawl. People complained about how mysterious the strangers were, but this scene tells you a lot. He's there in plain sight just watching her because he wants to know how easy it is to slip in and out. The fact that someone can just walk into your house takes away your sense of security, it makes you feel vulnerable and that's what horror movies should do. The rest of this movie is scary but this scene most definitely is.
7. The room check scene from Poltergeist
"They're heeeree."
I know this is basically a jump scare but holy shit if it isn't one of the best jump scares ever. Alright ghosts are haunting this very very normal suburban house. At first it's all of these weird little things that everyone finds odd or kinda cool (chairs stacking themselves fast as light or things sliding across the floor, daughter talking to TV static), then before you know it your electrical system has tourettes, clown toys go Chucky, corpses shoot from your unfinished pool and a fucking tree tries to swallow your son. But the big thing is that the little daughter is sucked into a portal in her closet meanwhile the rest of her room turns into the center of chaos. Seriously you don't know what new freaky shit is going on in that room. The family begins to get used to all of the freaky little things and really get used to not going into the kid's room. But at one point, one pretty random point, the mom comes walking by the door with a basket of laundry. She stops and listens, listens next to the door. There doesn't seem to be any sound from inside at all. She calls her daughter's name softly. Oh my god is there hope? Could she be back? Might everything inside be...Normal? The hopeful mom, gently opens the door before the most UNHOLIEST OF UNHOLY SCREAMS HOWL FROM INSIDE AND SLAM THE DOOR SHUT BEFORE IT GETS AN INCH OPEN! Then silence again as the mom falls to her knees in tears and apologizing. It was like the ghosts were saying "Oh you have hope, you think you're gonna get her back. Well fuck you!" This scene could be seen as kind of funny, or extremely freaky, or really heartbreaking or all three like me. It's a jump scare but THE BEST jump scare.
6. The opening scene from Jaws
"Dun, dun, dun, dun, DUN DUN, DUN DUN!"
The scariest part of Jaws is at the first part where two people, a young man and a young woman chase each other out to the beach. She strips and swims into the water, meanwhile he passes out intoxicated. While she's out enjoying herself, a shark drifts uncomfortably close to her. All of a sudden we see her struggling to stay above water, her expressions going from shocked, to horrified, to frantic. She's is thrown all across the water screaming into finally her pleas for help are drowned out by the water as she goes under. And this is at the beginning of the movie. The thing everybody loves about this movie is how you almost never see the shark. In this scene you only see the girl struggling. This is all acting. We feel the bite the first time she's forced under. It's extremely intense. The most horrifying things are usually the real things.
5. Samara kills Noah from The Ring
"Seven Days!"
God this movie is the epitomie of why movies scare me. It's a goddamn bullet to every sense in your body. So after what must have been 2 hours of disturbing and surreal imagry, frightening events, ghostly occurances, one evil videotape, and one even more evil undead little girl, we are led to believe all is right and we will be left with a sweet and cozy little ending. BUT OH NO! This little dead bitch just wouldn't give up! So yeah when Aiden a.k.a. Haley Joel Osment impersonater a.k.a. creepy kid number 2 informs that all is not well and our evil little girl we thought was in the past "never sleeps". Yeah, you dropped the ball on that one Naomi Watts. Throughout the whole movie your son has been the well informed one, your son knew about this little girl, your son made contact with this little girl but you never even dreamed of getting the answers out of him. And look what it got you, look what it got the audience. ONE OF THE FREAKIEST SCENES EVER! So the secondary hero played Martin Henderson has already gone back to his normal life, oblivious of what creepy Aiden has revealed. Then his TV starts coming on and won't turn off. Eventually it starts to show the end of the cursed videotape (which up until now has just showed a well and then cut to black). But the seven days are up and, as the TV leaks water, our evil little dead girl Samara rises from the well and proceeds to walk out of the television. She shows off some freakishly insane powers and then pulls her hair back, showing Noah her grotesque face. End scene. That was the first time I have ever put my hands over my face in a movie. To describe what happened to Noah: well just imagine the expression the most innocent person in the world has while watching the 2 girls 1 cup video, now imagine that person dies with the expression still on his face. That would be about what Noah looked like afterward.
4. The first head turn scene from The Exorcist
"The sow is mine!"
Okay, every time you hear a noise from Reagan McNeil's room you know immediately it is not a good thing. This time her demonic possession comes to a head when her mother and doctors burst into the room to investigate horrific noises. They find Reagan, shifting from her brutalized personality to the cruel demon personality, violently masturbating with a crucifix. When everyone tries to intervene, furniture starts moving, knocking people down and blocking the door. After a moment, the girl's smiling head turns all the way around and talks to the mother in a voice totally unlike Reagan's. Needless to say, they didn't go into the room much after that. Except when the exorcism began. What more can I say? This scene is just fucked up. The whole movie is like this but this one just stands out the most. The only other one I think matches up is when the possessed girl is sleeping, and the maid and Father Karris find the words "HELP ME" written from inside the stomach. That's some sick shit. This movie is terrifying. This scene belongs on this list.
3. The opening scene from Scream
"I wanna know who I'm looking at."
This scary movie, written by the creator of Dawson's Creek, starts out very innocently. Drew Barrymore's character gets a call from some guy who dials the wrong number. He apologizes but tries to keep the conversation going. They talk about scary movies and maybe even a little get together. That is before she realizes he's near and watching her. Eventually a game ensues as the girl has to play a little movie trivia or else she and her boyfriend, who is tied to a chair outside, will be killed. She does well for awhile despite the pressure, before the caller disembowels her boyfriend and starts stalking her around the house. Her parents arrive just as she is stabbed to death and hung from a tree by the killer known as Ghostface. This scene is all too intense and very terrifying. The worst part is the last question he asks her: "what door am I at?" You know he's at the one closest to her but the suspense is still there. Plus they get a huge star like Drew Barrymore, the little girl from E.T. who is the image of bright and sweet (and long ago of Hollywood junkies), and you see her mentally tortured and then torn apart by a psychopath. That is one helluva way to open your scary movie. The rest of the movie has it's scares, but this just gut wrenches you from the getgo.
2. Laurie investigating the Wallace house from Halloween
"This has most definitely stopped being funny!"
Halloween is a prime example of a sleeper hit. It was a B-movie made with a smaller than small budget in the 70s as a small time action filmmaker's studio assignment. John Carpenter said he was given the hook and it was his job to get the line and sink. And oh he did. He created a movie that was the basis for every slasher film from Friday the 13th to Saw. Halloween was a movie that was designed with some of the most creative scares. Be it pinning Bob to the wall with a knife (when Michael Myers brilliantly tilts his head as if he were looking at a painting) or when he dresses up in a bedsheet and glasses and strangles Linda with a phone line (and then listens to the other line, humanly). The scariest scene for me probably comes when Laurie realizes her friends are not answering her calls and all the lights keeping going on and off across the street. She goes to see what's up and enters the darkened house. Upstairs she enters the master bedroom and finds her best friend Annie sprawled on the bed, throat slashed. The tombstone of Michael's sister sits above the bed in a ritualistic fashion. In a sequence I call the Recoil Effect, Laurie recoils against the door in shock only to have Bob's corpse fling from the ceiling at her with big dead eyes, she recoils again against the closet only to have the closet door open and reveal Linda's strangled body. Laurie runs from the room screaming and crying. In a stunning lighting technique, Michael's masked face brightens slowly in the darkness and then lunges out after her, then ensues one of the best horror movie chases ever. I like this chase because it is possible for the slow moving Michael to catch up with Laurie because she's cracked her ankle (in any other movie the walking killer would just somehow catch up with you even if you were a track star). The ending scenes in the other house are scary and thrilling too but just the horrific nature in the bedroom was too much. I mean, what the hell was Michael thinking? I honestly would've liked the movie to stand alone without a franchise. The movie ends opened but so well it didn't require a sequel. In the end you are just left with the plot that Michael has disappeared and as we pan out to every place he's been seen at we only hear his strained breathing and we are left with the thought that he is still out there. And that's a good note to end on.
1. The third night from The Blair Witch Project
"What the fuck is that?!"
Probably the scariest movie of all time for me and one of my favorites. If this movie had been presented in a standard form of cinematography, I think it would lose its effect. Shot in the documentary style, The Blair Witch Project's primary tone is realism. This movie feels very real and was advertised as if it were real. Now I could sum up every woodland scene in this movie as either extremely involving or extremely terrifying. The witch or serial killer ghost or whatever the hell is out there in the darkness gets worse every night. You have the first night events in which indistinct noises come from the distance. It sounds like people banging rocks together all over the place. Then intense daylight scenes in which the gang seems to have impossibly gone in a circle or when they find a huge section in the woods decorated with stick figures (that were probably made overnight). The most terrifying scene for me, next to the ending, is the third night in which the crew wakes up in their tent and hear noises outside. It sounds like kids whispering or laughing. Then suddenly it appears as if the "kids" are banging on the sides of the tent or trying to trample it. Scared shitless, the gang does what anyone else would do: they rush from the tent and far into the night screaming like hell. I swear I heard one of the kids calling after them. The girl Heather sees something horrifying while she's running, but everyone's too busy running to even bother trying to film it. I once saw a glare at this point that made me think it was one gigantic stick figure hanging in the trees but I don't know. All I know is in this scene you have no idea what the hell it could be but it is heart stopping. These cameras aren't designed to pick up the big Hollywood visuals, so we basically rely on the sounds. And by god there are sounds in this movie. This movie rode my emotions and my capacity of bravery to the limits. Knowing what your enemy is is a comfort as you can learn about it and find a weakness. The Blair Witch Project is, like Jaws, a movie that raises the question of just what the hell is it?
So while these may not totally be my top scares, they are certainly some of my favorite. They are the scenes that define fear for me. But don't take my word for it. This all sounds so metallic as a blog post but on the screen it puts up the chill factor. See these movies and other scary movies. It's fun to be scared, its a rush. Your Modest Guru is imploring you to get scared and get scary for this Halloween.
This has been a ghoulish top ten from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
As you may have noticed my last few blog posts have been about particularly spooky things such as Silent Hill, scary movies, the Saw series and Rush Limbaugh of course. This is because we are approaching one of my favorite nights of the year, Halloween. I love this night, well I actually love its meaning. It is the one time in the year where mankind is allowed to celebrate evil and darkness. If God is real he was probably one day just like "Okay fuck it, they're gonna do it anyway. Maybe if I give them just one night to blow off steam and let it all out that'll be the end of it." Yeah many of us were still evil after the first Halloween, but all of us thought it was fun. So to continue this cycle of fear, I will divulge some of the scariest scares I've seen in movies. So now, in honor of Samhain and Halloween Night, this is my top ten movie scares.
SPOILER WARNING
10. The pawn shop basement scene from Pulp Fiction
"Bring out The Gimp."
This is kind of cheating I know, because a lot people find this scene to be hilarious. So do I, but that's just it. Some of the funniest things seem really disturbing, and this scene is one of the most disturbing scenes that seems really funny. In a film that caught a lot of people off guard with it's plot points, this one probably did it the best. It comes out of nowhere! Okay, so a boxer cheats a gangster out of a deal they made and somehow the two see each other on the street. They get into a huge destructive fight in the middle of Los Angeles and eventually the two wind up at each other's throats in some random pawn shop. Just as one is about to kill the other, the hillbilly pawn shop owner Maynard pulls a shotgun and knocks them both out. When they wake up they are in the basement, bound to chairs and ball gagged. A security guard and friend of Maynard's named Zed shows up. That's when they bring out The Gimp: a man turned gitty human slave covered head to toe in bondage leather who lives in a box in the floor. After a game of enie meanie minie moe, the gangster is taken in the back room and raped by Zed and Maynard while the boxer is left with The Gimp. Most of my readers probably know how they get out of this predictament, so I'll just say it's even stranger. So yeah, this scene is darkly humourous but also just a totally horrifying thought and situation. It's the worst case of bad luck in the history of fictional stories.
9. The death of Frank from Hellraiser
"Jeeesuuus wept!"
If a movie goes beyond the level of gore as Hellrasier, that's where I draw the line. So to sum up this particular scene, Frank is a depraved adventurer who finds a puzzle box that is said to be the key to unimaginable pleasure. Little did Frank know, there are many different ideas of pleasure. Okay let's just say when Frank solved the puzzle, masters of agony and agents of Hell called Cenobites appear and mutilate Frank. His sister in law and lover manages to bring him back to life later by killing unsuspecting potential lovers for Frank to drain of blood and flesh. The Cenobites use Frank's indebted neice to find him again. When they do, they send chains tearing into every part of his body and once again mutilating him. After laughing bitterly at his own misfortune, The Cenobites rip Frank apart. This may be one of the goriest things I have ever seen. It's just astounding how bloody and painful it is. It hurt me it was so bad. I'm lucky to be uncertain and unconfident and bad at puzzles, so I will never be indebted to The Cenobites. Then again, I swear to God that is the easiest puzzle in the world to solve.
8. The intruder scene from The Strangers
"Because you were home."
This whole movie really gave me the creeps. That's saying something because this is a modern horror movie and most modern horror movies suck. The Strangers got back to the basics with a slasher movie. It is largely inspired by 1978's Halloween. This scene takes place right before the three attackers decide to totally invade the house. So the Liv Tyler character's boyfriend, played by Scott Speedman, goes out for a drive and leaves her alone at the house. She pretty much just hangs out bored. So after she gets off the phone with him and lights a smoke, right in the background some guy walks out from the front entrance corridor. He's tall, wears a suit and a ghost like hood over his face. All he does is stare at her and she doesn't notice him as she does the dishes. So finally after a moment of staring at her, he leaves and lets her know he's there by closing the front door loudly. It just sets the mood for the rest of the film and makes your skin crawl. People complained about how mysterious the strangers were, but this scene tells you a lot. He's there in plain sight just watching her because he wants to know how easy it is to slip in and out. The fact that someone can just walk into your house takes away your sense of security, it makes you feel vulnerable and that's what horror movies should do. The rest of this movie is scary but this scene most definitely is.
7. The room check scene from Poltergeist
"They're heeeree."
I know this is basically a jump scare but holy shit if it isn't one of the best jump scares ever. Alright ghosts are haunting this very very normal suburban house. At first it's all of these weird little things that everyone finds odd or kinda cool (chairs stacking themselves fast as light or things sliding across the floor, daughter talking to TV static), then before you know it your electrical system has tourettes, clown toys go Chucky, corpses shoot from your unfinished pool and a fucking tree tries to swallow your son. But the big thing is that the little daughter is sucked into a portal in her closet meanwhile the rest of her room turns into the center of chaos. Seriously you don't know what new freaky shit is going on in that room. The family begins to get used to all of the freaky little things and really get used to not going into the kid's room. But at one point, one pretty random point, the mom comes walking by the door with a basket of laundry. She stops and listens, listens next to the door. There doesn't seem to be any sound from inside at all. She calls her daughter's name softly. Oh my god is there hope? Could she be back? Might everything inside be...Normal? The hopeful mom, gently opens the door before the most UNHOLIEST OF UNHOLY SCREAMS HOWL FROM INSIDE AND SLAM THE DOOR SHUT BEFORE IT GETS AN INCH OPEN! Then silence again as the mom falls to her knees in tears and apologizing. It was like the ghosts were saying "Oh you have hope, you think you're gonna get her back. Well fuck you!" This scene could be seen as kind of funny, or extremely freaky, or really heartbreaking or all three like me. It's a jump scare but THE BEST jump scare.
6. The opening scene from Jaws
"Dun, dun, dun, dun, DUN DUN, DUN DUN!"
The scariest part of Jaws is at the first part where two people, a young man and a young woman chase each other out to the beach. She strips and swims into the water, meanwhile he passes out intoxicated. While she's out enjoying herself, a shark drifts uncomfortably close to her. All of a sudden we see her struggling to stay above water, her expressions going from shocked, to horrified, to frantic. She's is thrown all across the water screaming into finally her pleas for help are drowned out by the water as she goes under. And this is at the beginning of the movie. The thing everybody loves about this movie is how you almost never see the shark. In this scene you only see the girl struggling. This is all acting. We feel the bite the first time she's forced under. It's extremely intense. The most horrifying things are usually the real things.
5. Samara kills Noah from The Ring
"Seven Days!"
God this movie is the epitomie of why movies scare me. It's a goddamn bullet to every sense in your body. So after what must have been 2 hours of disturbing and surreal imagry, frightening events, ghostly occurances, one evil videotape, and one even more evil undead little girl, we are led to believe all is right and we will be left with a sweet and cozy little ending. BUT OH NO! This little dead bitch just wouldn't give up! So yeah when Aiden a.k.a. Haley Joel Osment impersonater a.k.a. creepy kid number 2 informs that all is not well and our evil little girl we thought was in the past "never sleeps". Yeah, you dropped the ball on that one Naomi Watts. Throughout the whole movie your son has been the well informed one, your son knew about this little girl, your son made contact with this little girl but you never even dreamed of getting the answers out of him. And look what it got you, look what it got the audience. ONE OF THE FREAKIEST SCENES EVER! So the secondary hero played Martin Henderson has already gone back to his normal life, oblivious of what creepy Aiden has revealed. Then his TV starts coming on and won't turn off. Eventually it starts to show the end of the cursed videotape (which up until now has just showed a well and then cut to black). But the seven days are up and, as the TV leaks water, our evil little dead girl Samara rises from the well and proceeds to walk out of the television. She shows off some freakishly insane powers and then pulls her hair back, showing Noah her grotesque face. End scene. That was the first time I have ever put my hands over my face in a movie. To describe what happened to Noah: well just imagine the expression the most innocent person in the world has while watching the 2 girls 1 cup video, now imagine that person dies with the expression still on his face. That would be about what Noah looked like afterward.
4. The first head turn scene from The Exorcist
"The sow is mine!"
Okay, every time you hear a noise from Reagan McNeil's room you know immediately it is not a good thing. This time her demonic possession comes to a head when her mother and doctors burst into the room to investigate horrific noises. They find Reagan, shifting from her brutalized personality to the cruel demon personality, violently masturbating with a crucifix. When everyone tries to intervene, furniture starts moving, knocking people down and blocking the door. After a moment, the girl's smiling head turns all the way around and talks to the mother in a voice totally unlike Reagan's. Needless to say, they didn't go into the room much after that. Except when the exorcism began. What more can I say? This scene is just fucked up. The whole movie is like this but this one just stands out the most. The only other one I think matches up is when the possessed girl is sleeping, and the maid and Father Karris find the words "HELP ME" written from inside the stomach. That's some sick shit. This movie is terrifying. This scene belongs on this list.
3. The opening scene from Scream
"I wanna know who I'm looking at."
This scary movie, written by the creator of Dawson's Creek, starts out very innocently. Drew Barrymore's character gets a call from some guy who dials the wrong number. He apologizes but tries to keep the conversation going. They talk about scary movies and maybe even a little get together. That is before she realizes he's near and watching her. Eventually a game ensues as the girl has to play a little movie trivia or else she and her boyfriend, who is tied to a chair outside, will be killed. She does well for awhile despite the pressure, before the caller disembowels her boyfriend and starts stalking her around the house. Her parents arrive just as she is stabbed to death and hung from a tree by the killer known as Ghostface. This scene is all too intense and very terrifying. The worst part is the last question he asks her: "what door am I at?" You know he's at the one closest to her but the suspense is still there. Plus they get a huge star like Drew Barrymore, the little girl from E.T. who is the image of bright and sweet (and long ago of Hollywood junkies), and you see her mentally tortured and then torn apart by a psychopath. That is one helluva way to open your scary movie. The rest of the movie has it's scares, but this just gut wrenches you from the getgo.
2. Laurie investigating the Wallace house from Halloween
"This has most definitely stopped being funny!"
Halloween is a prime example of a sleeper hit. It was a B-movie made with a smaller than small budget in the 70s as a small time action filmmaker's studio assignment. John Carpenter said he was given the hook and it was his job to get the line and sink. And oh he did. He created a movie that was the basis for every slasher film from Friday the 13th to Saw. Halloween was a movie that was designed with some of the most creative scares. Be it pinning Bob to the wall with a knife (when Michael Myers brilliantly tilts his head as if he were looking at a painting) or when he dresses up in a bedsheet and glasses and strangles Linda with a phone line (and then listens to the other line, humanly). The scariest scene for me probably comes when Laurie realizes her friends are not answering her calls and all the lights keeping going on and off across the street. She goes to see what's up and enters the darkened house. Upstairs she enters the master bedroom and finds her best friend Annie sprawled on the bed, throat slashed. The tombstone of Michael's sister sits above the bed in a ritualistic fashion. In a sequence I call the Recoil Effect, Laurie recoils against the door in shock only to have Bob's corpse fling from the ceiling at her with big dead eyes, she recoils again against the closet only to have the closet door open and reveal Linda's strangled body. Laurie runs from the room screaming and crying. In a stunning lighting technique, Michael's masked face brightens slowly in the darkness and then lunges out after her, then ensues one of the best horror movie chases ever. I like this chase because it is possible for the slow moving Michael to catch up with Laurie because she's cracked her ankle (in any other movie the walking killer would just somehow catch up with you even if you were a track star). The ending scenes in the other house are scary and thrilling too but just the horrific nature in the bedroom was too much. I mean, what the hell was Michael thinking? I honestly would've liked the movie to stand alone without a franchise. The movie ends opened but so well it didn't require a sequel. In the end you are just left with the plot that Michael has disappeared and as we pan out to every place he's been seen at we only hear his strained breathing and we are left with the thought that he is still out there. And that's a good note to end on.
1. The third night from The Blair Witch Project
"What the fuck is that?!"
Probably the scariest movie of all time for me and one of my favorites. If this movie had been presented in a standard form of cinematography, I think it would lose its effect. Shot in the documentary style, The Blair Witch Project's primary tone is realism. This movie feels very real and was advertised as if it were real. Now I could sum up every woodland scene in this movie as either extremely involving or extremely terrifying. The witch or serial killer ghost or whatever the hell is out there in the darkness gets worse every night. You have the first night events in which indistinct noises come from the distance. It sounds like people banging rocks together all over the place. Then intense daylight scenes in which the gang seems to have impossibly gone in a circle or when they find a huge section in the woods decorated with stick figures (that were probably made overnight). The most terrifying scene for me, next to the ending, is the third night in which the crew wakes up in their tent and hear noises outside. It sounds like kids whispering or laughing. Then suddenly it appears as if the "kids" are banging on the sides of the tent or trying to trample it. Scared shitless, the gang does what anyone else would do: they rush from the tent and far into the night screaming like hell. I swear I heard one of the kids calling after them. The girl Heather sees something horrifying while she's running, but everyone's too busy running to even bother trying to film it. I once saw a glare at this point that made me think it was one gigantic stick figure hanging in the trees but I don't know. All I know is in this scene you have no idea what the hell it could be but it is heart stopping. These cameras aren't designed to pick up the big Hollywood visuals, so we basically rely on the sounds. And by god there are sounds in this movie. This movie rode my emotions and my capacity of bravery to the limits. Knowing what your enemy is is a comfort as you can learn about it and find a weakness. The Blair Witch Project is, like Jaws, a movie that raises the question of just what the hell is it?
So while these may not totally be my top scares, they are certainly some of my favorite. They are the scenes that define fear for me. But don't take my word for it. This all sounds so metallic as a blog post but on the screen it puts up the chill factor. See these movies and other scary movies. It's fun to be scared, its a rush. Your Modest Guru is imploring you to get scared and get scary for this Halloween.
This has been a ghoulish top ten from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Paranormal Activity Review
"What the fuck!" - Majority of Paranormal Activity dialogue
Okay I went into this movie with few expectations. I expected it to make me jump, and it did. I did not expect it to frighten me or interest me, but it did. Paranormal Activity follows the trend of horror viewed realistically through a home camera, where the characters are filming the strange goings on. This of course takes more from 1999's Blair Witch Project more than 2007's action thriller Cloverfield, both movies I totally dig.
What is Paranormal Activity about? It is about paranormal activity. Okay to give you a premise, the movie opens as Micah gets the hang of a new video camera so that he can document the supernatural occurances surrounding his girlfriend Katie, who has been experiening them since she was a little girl. They set up the camera in their room so that they can record whatever ghostly visitors or events show up in their room. And do strange things happen? Hell yes. It gets freaky and unsettling. The fact that you can't see whatever it is that is doing these things makes it even scarier, you just see what it is doing and what it's doing to the girl. Instead of movie full of bad: bad acting, bad screenplay, bad direction, bad everything, we get a movie that is good in almost all of its aspects. The actors movie who play the couple are pretty good and seemed plausible enough, not as well as the Blair Witch bunch but they did well. The girl plays a real bright personalitied and eversweet girl who had the bad luck of becoming the brutalized ragdoll of some cruel demon. Did I say hot? Because she is. I know it's kind of a given in modern horror movies these days, but she isn't a skinny as shit beach blonde honey straight off the set of Sorority Row. She is a realistic kind of hot, the kind of good looking girl a sad bastard like me would hope to bag. And the guy was great. His character is just hysterical. Sure he went from being a not so serious kind of a douche to an understanding guardian again and again. But I thought he was just funny. I think his dialogue could be summed up like this "What the fuck was that?", "Whose there?", and "Is that all you got? Come out, bitch!" The humour is probably unintentional, but it's still humour. That's good, I don't like horror movies totally grim.
Now part of my criticism before seeing this movie was that the critics and filmgoer reactions to it, some of them were calling this movie the scariest movie ever. Let it be said this movie is scary, it is jumpy, it is creepy and disturbing but it is no way shape or form THE scariest movie ever. Plus part of the marketing for Paranormal Activity involved the trailers being partly scenes from the movie itself that provide you with the basics and of course most of the scares. The other half is audience reactions in the screenings. In the trailer, whenever there was a loud noise, a bunch of younger people jump in their seats and hold their hands over their mouthes in terror. Let it be said these kids, clad in hoodies (hoods up in the theatre), are probably easily scared and their idea of intense reality TV is Ghost Hunters. Now one could argue that Paranormal Activity itself is Ghost Hunters The Movie. It's not Ghost Hunters. It's Ghost Hunters done right. Here we have a clear view (really clear due to invisibility) of what is happening whereas in Ghost Hunters you hear the floor creak in the dark and it's supernatural. Sorry, I just think Ghost Hunters is retarded.
Moving on, there are few movies in which I get back from it and I say that I was on the edge of my seat. I'm relaxed when I'm watching movies, especially action movies, I can have the most gargantuan Michael Bay EXPLOSIONS Boeing Jet my eyes and Ride of the Valkries destroying my ear drums and think I was in a peaceful meadow. But that's just me, you know. Yet this movie had me on the edge. Partially because I was really into it, but basically because I'm looking at the screen with my expressions changing like this: "W. T. F. Wait what! How the fu-Holy shit! What!" And that is a good feeling when watching a horror film. When you're not quite sure what the movie's doing to you as well as the characters, you're in suspense and I love suspense like I love vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup. I don't fuck around when it comes to vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup.
I will leave off by saying that to me Paranormal Activity was a very entertaining horror film. Now this type of horror may not appeal to some people, but those are people who can't stand scary movies without needlessly excessive gore, done to death stories, bad actors, and plenty of T&A. They are people whose idea of horror is distorted and think the real scares are shit. They are the people who would rather see Saw VI. Their loss. I'm not Your Modest Guru for nothing. Go see this film and come home and be afraid to get in bed or turn off the lights or walk through your house or have a girlfriend. You'll thank me for it later.
This has been a horrificly structured movie review from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Okay I went into this movie with few expectations. I expected it to make me jump, and it did. I did not expect it to frighten me or interest me, but it did. Paranormal Activity follows the trend of horror viewed realistically through a home camera, where the characters are filming the strange goings on. This of course takes more from 1999's Blair Witch Project more than 2007's action thriller Cloverfield, both movies I totally dig.
What is Paranormal Activity about? It is about paranormal activity. Okay to give you a premise, the movie opens as Micah gets the hang of a new video camera so that he can document the supernatural occurances surrounding his girlfriend Katie, who has been experiening them since she was a little girl. They set up the camera in their room so that they can record whatever ghostly visitors or events show up in their room. And do strange things happen? Hell yes. It gets freaky and unsettling. The fact that you can't see whatever it is that is doing these things makes it even scarier, you just see what it is doing and what it's doing to the girl. Instead of movie full of bad: bad acting, bad screenplay, bad direction, bad everything, we get a movie that is good in almost all of its aspects. The actors movie who play the couple are pretty good and seemed plausible enough, not as well as the Blair Witch bunch but they did well. The girl plays a real bright personalitied and eversweet girl who had the bad luck of becoming the brutalized ragdoll of some cruel demon. Did I say hot? Because she is. I know it's kind of a given in modern horror movies these days, but she isn't a skinny as shit beach blonde honey straight off the set of Sorority Row. She is a realistic kind of hot, the kind of good looking girl a sad bastard like me would hope to bag. And the guy was great. His character is just hysterical. Sure he went from being a not so serious kind of a douche to an understanding guardian again and again. But I thought he was just funny. I think his dialogue could be summed up like this "What the fuck was that?", "Whose there?", and "Is that all you got? Come out, bitch!" The humour is probably unintentional, but it's still humour. That's good, I don't like horror movies totally grim.
Now part of my criticism before seeing this movie was that the critics and filmgoer reactions to it, some of them were calling this movie the scariest movie ever. Let it be said this movie is scary, it is jumpy, it is creepy and disturbing but it is no way shape or form THE scariest movie ever. Plus part of the marketing for Paranormal Activity involved the trailers being partly scenes from the movie itself that provide you with the basics and of course most of the scares. The other half is audience reactions in the screenings. In the trailer, whenever there was a loud noise, a bunch of younger people jump in their seats and hold their hands over their mouthes in terror. Let it be said these kids, clad in hoodies (hoods up in the theatre), are probably easily scared and their idea of intense reality TV is Ghost Hunters. Now one could argue that Paranormal Activity itself is Ghost Hunters The Movie. It's not Ghost Hunters. It's Ghost Hunters done right. Here we have a clear view (really clear due to invisibility) of what is happening whereas in Ghost Hunters you hear the floor creak in the dark and it's supernatural. Sorry, I just think Ghost Hunters is retarded.
Moving on, there are few movies in which I get back from it and I say that I was on the edge of my seat. I'm relaxed when I'm watching movies, especially action movies, I can have the most gargantuan Michael Bay EXPLOSIONS Boeing Jet my eyes and Ride of the Valkries destroying my ear drums and think I was in a peaceful meadow. But that's just me, you know. Yet this movie had me on the edge. Partially because I was really into it, but basically because I'm looking at the screen with my expressions changing like this: "W. T. F. Wait what! How the fu-Holy shit! What!" And that is a good feeling when watching a horror film. When you're not quite sure what the movie's doing to you as well as the characters, you're in suspense and I love suspense like I love vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup. I don't fuck around when it comes to vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup.
I will leave off by saying that to me Paranormal Activity was a very entertaining horror film. Now this type of horror may not appeal to some people, but those are people who can't stand scary movies without needlessly excessive gore, done to death stories, bad actors, and plenty of T&A. They are people whose idea of horror is distorted and think the real scares are shit. They are the people who would rather see Saw VI. Their loss. I'm not Your Modest Guru for nothing. Go see this film and come home and be afraid to get in bed or turn off the lights or walk through your house or have a girlfriend. You'll thank me for it later.
This has been a horrificly structured movie review from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Modest PSA # 3: Sawophrenia
DISCLAIMER: THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN THOUGH IT PROBABLY SHOULD BE.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I've come today to talk about a trend of filmmaking that is destroying the profitable business world of Hollywood. The Saw film franchise will simply not die, this is becoming apparent with the recent release of the sixth installment in the series and preparations being made for seven and eight. Though the torture experts involved with making the films have said that the series will conclude with the eighth chapter, mankind still lives in fear that another redundant movie might just rise from the ashes and rob the jacked up retards, splat pack junkies, and Alzhiemers victims who keep coming to the new Saw films knowing that they will be getting almost the exact same experience. Elaborate traps that do nothing but mindlessly mutilate, a plot that grows more tedious and intricate, and even good acting by Tobin Bell becomes more and more hard to stand as time goes on and money is wasted in developing these films and buying the tickets to see them.
If you're looking for relief, talk to your Doctor or local movie critic about Saw and other forms of torture porn. Known cures have been found in viewings of films like A Clockwork Orange and Rosemary's Baby. If you're going to desensitized to violence, shouldn't the violence at least be good? Whose to say? But there is one thing we know for certain: what we don't need is more Saw films. Indeed we don't. Less we wish to see the end a promising new generation of non cutters.
And now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Hi there, I'm Your Modest Guru and I've come today to talk about a trend of filmmaking that is destroying the profitable business world of Hollywood. The Saw film franchise will simply not die, this is becoming apparent with the recent release of the sixth installment in the series and preparations being made for seven and eight. Though the torture experts involved with making the films have said that the series will conclude with the eighth chapter, mankind still lives in fear that another redundant movie might just rise from the ashes and rob the jacked up retards, splat pack junkies, and Alzhiemers victims who keep coming to the new Saw films knowing that they will be getting almost the exact same experience. Elaborate traps that do nothing but mindlessly mutilate, a plot that grows more tedious and intricate, and even good acting by Tobin Bell becomes more and more hard to stand as time goes on and money is wasted in developing these films and buying the tickets to see them.
If you're looking for relief, talk to your Doctor or local movie critic about Saw and other forms of torture porn. Known cures have been found in viewings of films like A Clockwork Orange and Rosemary's Baby. If you're going to desensitized to violence, shouldn't the violence at least be good? Whose to say? But there is one thing we know for certain: what we don't need is more Saw films. Indeed we don't. Less we wish to see the end a promising new generation of non cutters.
And now you know and knowing is half the battle. The rest Your Modest Guru leaves to you. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Silent Hill: Homecoming Review
"Everybody's gone." - Lillian Shepherd
Silent Hill is probably one of the most popular Japanese survival horror franchises ever, maybe even surpassing Resident Evil franchise. It is known for it's haunting tone, it's surreal and grotesque imagery and villians, it's psychologically deep stories, and it's flawed utterly human characters. I bought and played Silent Hill 2 when I was younger without much prior knowledge about the franchise beforehand, and I wasn't even a third of the way through it before I was scared and stumped. It was truly complex and terrifying. I wish I had finished it.
Nearly every story revolves somewhat around a game's protagonist being drawn to the town of Silent Hill, a place they have vague but somewhat good memories of. In Silent Hill 2's case it was the deceased wife of the main character who writes him a letter beckoning him back to the town. Once the player arrives in town they find it damp and gloomy, with endless ash-like fog looming, few people around, and hideous creatures lurking in the streets and shadows. Shameful to say, I have watched the online walkthroughs of games 2 and 4: The Room and did not play them myself. The experience is still interesting and intense but not like it would be if played. Finally I decided to play a Silent Hill game all the way through, so I went with the lastest chapter Silent Hill: Homecoming.
Now this game received mixed reviews on the grounds of being too predictable and slightly more action based (due to the fact that this game was American developed). The trailer really grabbed my attention, it looked more like a trailer for a movie. This tale revolves around Alex Shepherd, a young war veteren who was recently released from a hospital after being wounded. He begins having dreams about his kid brother Joshua in danger and sets out to his hometown of Shepherd's Glen (a town bordering Silent Hill) to make sure he's safe. Upon arrival, Alex finds Joshua and his Sheriff father missing and his mother almost totally unresponsive. Shepherd's Glen is also plagued by monsters and clues of these happenings and his brother's whereabouts begin to lead back to Silent Hill.
I found the game to be a delight. I liked the stories and adored the visuals and moving score. Criticism was given toward the main character Alex being to deadly, therefore making it easier to kill monsters, unlike the other game protagonists who were average ordinary people who may have to run away. Sure it is realistic, but in a game where monsters are coming at you the first instinct isn't to run away but to attack and kill them. Plus Alex is a far better upgrade than the very bland characters of James and Henry from Silent Hills 2 and 4. This probably due to his voice actor, Brian Bloom, who is good with live action as well. He carries real emotion in his gruff voice and conveys that into the character. If you know Silent Hill well, odds are you probably know how this is going to end. But that's another good thing about this game, there are multiple endings, a few of which may really surprise you. The ending itself still impacts you and makes you feel as I'm sure every other Silent Hill has done. The action is good too, gritty and intense. With creatures as crafty and dangerous as these, you kind of have to be an experienced fighter like Alex.
In the end, I really enjoyed the hell out of this game. If I had one complaint it would be that it is a bit too easy. I beat it in about a week, playing it an hour or two a day. Even so it's still enjoyable. And did I say scary? It is, not as scary as Silent Hill 2 but really freaky. It's a fun game to play and it's worth a purchase. Not that I'm advertising or anything.
This has been a video game review from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Silent Hill is probably one of the most popular Japanese survival horror franchises ever, maybe even surpassing Resident Evil franchise. It is known for it's haunting tone, it's surreal and grotesque imagery and villians, it's psychologically deep stories, and it's flawed utterly human characters. I bought and played Silent Hill 2 when I was younger without much prior knowledge about the franchise beforehand, and I wasn't even a third of the way through it before I was scared and stumped. It was truly complex and terrifying. I wish I had finished it.
Nearly every story revolves somewhat around a game's protagonist being drawn to the town of Silent Hill, a place they have vague but somewhat good memories of. In Silent Hill 2's case it was the deceased wife of the main character who writes him a letter beckoning him back to the town. Once the player arrives in town they find it damp and gloomy, with endless ash-like fog looming, few people around, and hideous creatures lurking in the streets and shadows. Shameful to say, I have watched the online walkthroughs of games 2 and 4: The Room and did not play them myself. The experience is still interesting and intense but not like it would be if played. Finally I decided to play a Silent Hill game all the way through, so I went with the lastest chapter Silent Hill: Homecoming.
Now this game received mixed reviews on the grounds of being too predictable and slightly more action based (due to the fact that this game was American developed). The trailer really grabbed my attention, it looked more like a trailer for a movie. This tale revolves around Alex Shepherd, a young war veteren who was recently released from a hospital after being wounded. He begins having dreams about his kid brother Joshua in danger and sets out to his hometown of Shepherd's Glen (a town bordering Silent Hill) to make sure he's safe. Upon arrival, Alex finds Joshua and his Sheriff father missing and his mother almost totally unresponsive. Shepherd's Glen is also plagued by monsters and clues of these happenings and his brother's whereabouts begin to lead back to Silent Hill.
I found the game to be a delight. I liked the stories and adored the visuals and moving score. Criticism was given toward the main character Alex being to deadly, therefore making it easier to kill monsters, unlike the other game protagonists who were average ordinary people who may have to run away. Sure it is realistic, but in a game where monsters are coming at you the first instinct isn't to run away but to attack and kill them. Plus Alex is a far better upgrade than the very bland characters of James and Henry from Silent Hills 2 and 4. This probably due to his voice actor, Brian Bloom, who is good with live action as well. He carries real emotion in his gruff voice and conveys that into the character. If you know Silent Hill well, odds are you probably know how this is going to end. But that's another good thing about this game, there are multiple endings, a few of which may really surprise you. The ending itself still impacts you and makes you feel as I'm sure every other Silent Hill has done. The action is good too, gritty and intense. With creatures as crafty and dangerous as these, you kind of have to be an experienced fighter like Alex.
In the end, I really enjoyed the hell out of this game. If I had one complaint it would be that it is a bit too easy. I beat it in about a week, playing it an hour or two a day. Even so it's still enjoyable. And did I say scary? It is, not as scary as Silent Hill 2 but really freaky. It's a fun game to play and it's worth a purchase. Not that I'm advertising or anything.
This has been a video game review from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Rush Limbaugh...How I loathe thee
"Rush Limbaugh. A man. A legend. A way of life." - Rush Limbaugh
If you don't hate him after that, then you kind of have to read this. I've been building up the courage to do a Rush Limbaugh post for some time now. That's not to say I'm afraid of Rush Limbaugh (that is when he isn't popping pills), I just kind of cringe to think about him let alone write a blog post about him.
Where do we start? Hmm... First off he's an asshole. So there you go. That just kind of segues into everything else I've got to say. For those of you lucky enough not to know, Rush Limbaugh is one of the top political radio personalities in America. For the mindless conservative elite that is. Rush is the disgusting face of the conservative media's reign over those drones out there in the so called land of the free. If you're not conservative or if you don't agree with him you're not American he says primarily. Rush could be a reference when looking up the word "bias". Recently he has been known for his nonstop attacks on the current President Barack Obama, calling him Halfrican American and claiming that his campaign success is based on Affrimative Action (a word Limbaugh uses frequently when discussing "them coloreds"). I'll go into his protruding racism in a minute, but first I'll tell you about this one particular stunt he pulled during the last Presidential Election. In a movement called Operation Chaos, a movement designed specifically to spite the Democratic Party, our last patriot Rush Limbaugh urged his listeners to vote for whichever campaign is losing the most...Noooo, he's not biased at all.
Now on to claims of racism. In one day alone, I have read ten Rush rants that sound pretty damn demeaning to our darker American friends. I despise racism, I despise racists even more. Sometimes I try to see past it when the racist has other redeeming qualities and isn't so damn crazy about it. Unsurprisingly Rush Limbaugh is not one of those people. Here's a man who describes the time of slavery as "safer", who says that all composite pictures of serial killers look like Al Sharpton (another of his black enemies), and that the African Americans amount to 12 percent of the population and goes on to say "who the hell cares" about them. Asshole, anyone?
Oh yes and let's not forget his over the top sadism. You know the kind of massive annihilate everyone not white and rich and agrees with me code that every other conservative media personality has adopted since 9/11. He describes the torture of Iraqi prisoners in places like Guantanomo Bay as a sort of hazing and a way to let off steam and "fun" for the torturous soldiers. What is wrong with this guy? Why does the Right Wing stick up for him? Some Republican Party members are even disgusted with him, but if they dare breathe a word of disdain toward him he's on the whole party like a wildebeast and then the higher ups in the party force an apology. He's a fucking radio personality! You are politicians! Screw his reign over listeners, you have the power. Fuck, Limbaugh pisses me off so much that I've started to show sympathy for Republicans. God he makes me sick!
Oh but let's not forget his problems, you know, aside from his opinions. He is a total hypocrite, claiming that "too many whites are getting away with drug use" and so on and so bullshit, when in fact Limmy finally became a kite with the body full of hot air and prescription drugs. And did he go high? Oh yeah. Let's not forget that awkward moment at CPAC when, during a speech, Rush seemed to be suffering from uncontrollable bouncing. Seriously, watch the video. The fat bastard becomes a fucking bobble head. I know Keith Olbermann used that already, but I just couldn't resist. Also what are these claims that the American mainstream media is biased liberally. Fox News is one of the most powerful media industries in the country and they're even crazier than you as far as Right Wing states of mind go. It's just like the Right complaining about the Left having Hollywood in their pockets. Seriously? You're saying this after having several actor politicians in your pockets, one of which was a goddamn president. And as a side note, has anyone noticed that when he speaks he tries so sound as epic as possible. Like he were reading the ten commandments, or mimicking General Patton. When I hear him speak, I think of that famous scene from Network with Ned Beatty getting all furious. "YOU HAVE MEDDLED WITH THE PRIMAL FORCES OF NATURE!!!" They even look alike, except Ned Beatty looks presentable.
And you know what I could go on, but it just makes me too angry. Rush Limbaugh is hardly a man. Rush Limbaugh's legend is infamous at best. Rush Limbaugh is not a way of life, it's a way of self destruction that far too many people are following. In closing, Rush Limbaugh can blow me.
This has been a scary camp fire story from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
PS - sorry if it's been awhile.
If you don't hate him after that, then you kind of have to read this. I've been building up the courage to do a Rush Limbaugh post for some time now. That's not to say I'm afraid of Rush Limbaugh (that is when he isn't popping pills), I just kind of cringe to think about him let alone write a blog post about him.
Where do we start? Hmm... First off he's an asshole. So there you go. That just kind of segues into everything else I've got to say. For those of you lucky enough not to know, Rush Limbaugh is one of the top political radio personalities in America. For the mindless conservative elite that is. Rush is the disgusting face of the conservative media's reign over those drones out there in the so called land of the free. If you're not conservative or if you don't agree with him you're not American he says primarily. Rush could be a reference when looking up the word "bias". Recently he has been known for his nonstop attacks on the current President Barack Obama, calling him Halfrican American and claiming that his campaign success is based on Affrimative Action (a word Limbaugh uses frequently when discussing "them coloreds"). I'll go into his protruding racism in a minute, but first I'll tell you about this one particular stunt he pulled during the last Presidential Election. In a movement called Operation Chaos, a movement designed specifically to spite the Democratic Party, our last patriot Rush Limbaugh urged his listeners to vote for whichever campaign is losing the most...Noooo, he's not biased at all.
Now on to claims of racism. In one day alone, I have read ten Rush rants that sound pretty damn demeaning to our darker American friends. I despise racism, I despise racists even more. Sometimes I try to see past it when the racist has other redeeming qualities and isn't so damn crazy about it. Unsurprisingly Rush Limbaugh is not one of those people. Here's a man who describes the time of slavery as "safer", who says that all composite pictures of serial killers look like Al Sharpton (another of his black enemies), and that the African Americans amount to 12 percent of the population and goes on to say "who the hell cares" about them. Asshole, anyone?
Oh yes and let's not forget his over the top sadism. You know the kind of massive annihilate everyone not white and rich and agrees with me code that every other conservative media personality has adopted since 9/11. He describes the torture of Iraqi prisoners in places like Guantanomo Bay as a sort of hazing and a way to let off steam and "fun" for the torturous soldiers. What is wrong with this guy? Why does the Right Wing stick up for him? Some Republican Party members are even disgusted with him, but if they dare breathe a word of disdain toward him he's on the whole party like a wildebeast and then the higher ups in the party force an apology. He's a fucking radio personality! You are politicians! Screw his reign over listeners, you have the power. Fuck, Limbaugh pisses me off so much that I've started to show sympathy for Republicans. God he makes me sick!
Oh but let's not forget his problems, you know, aside from his opinions. He is a total hypocrite, claiming that "too many whites are getting away with drug use" and so on and so bullshit, when in fact Limmy finally became a kite with the body full of hot air and prescription drugs. And did he go high? Oh yeah. Let's not forget that awkward moment at CPAC when, during a speech, Rush seemed to be suffering from uncontrollable bouncing. Seriously, watch the video. The fat bastard becomes a fucking bobble head. I know Keith Olbermann used that already, but I just couldn't resist. Also what are these claims that the American mainstream media is biased liberally. Fox News is one of the most powerful media industries in the country and they're even crazier than you as far as Right Wing states of mind go. It's just like the Right complaining about the Left having Hollywood in their pockets. Seriously? You're saying this after having several actor politicians in your pockets, one of which was a goddamn president. And as a side note, has anyone noticed that when he speaks he tries so sound as epic as possible. Like he were reading the ten commandments, or mimicking General Patton. When I hear him speak, I think of that famous scene from Network with Ned Beatty getting all furious. "YOU HAVE MEDDLED WITH THE PRIMAL FORCES OF NATURE!!!" They even look alike, except Ned Beatty looks presentable.
And you know what I could go on, but it just makes me too angry. Rush Limbaugh is hardly a man. Rush Limbaugh's legend is infamous at best. Rush Limbaugh is not a way of life, it's a way of self destruction that far too many people are following. In closing, Rush Limbaugh can blow me.
This has been a scary camp fire story from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
PS - sorry if it's been awhile.
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