Michael Bay presents: EXPLOSIONS!!!

"I don't want to live in a world without BIG EXPLOSIONS!!!" - Michael J. Caboose

I think it's a fact, as dumbed down and short attention span rendered people are these days, that folks dig explosions and nonsensical action. I mean honestly, when you see a movie trailer that features a lot of slow motion shots involving stylized gun fights and people running away from huge earth scorching explosions, you have to admit you might be a little bit interested right? RIGHT? Even though you know in your mind that it will most certainly be nothing more than a big and dumb and plotless demolition squad of a motion picture, you still wanna see it for that very same reason. It's that primitive button buried in the back of all human brains. You know the one that makes you go "Duh...Ha, BOOM!!!"

Yet apparently there is one filmmaker out there who has made a career off of these movies. A man even the fans of these stupidly action packed movies think is just kinda dumb. A man named Michael Bay. Bay, a former music video and commercial director, got his start directing the cop thriller Bad Boys and it's later sequel, the masteractioner that is The Rock, as well as Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, The Island, Transformers and Transformers 2. And these movies are chockful of Bay's fascinatingly repetitive style: huge and unrealistic explosions, huge unrealistic gunfights, huge unrealistic car chases, slow motion scenes piled on top of each other, hot women (probably being abused or womanized), gore, and ultra fast editing. And after seven movies Bay and the box office have not felt that this style has gotten a little old.

For all of this, Bay is considered a one note and particularly unpopular director. Let it be said, he is not one of my favorites. But still if I am in the mood for a brooding, testosterone laced action movie, Bay's movies will be a first. Many of the movies he makes I like, even if they have already been done to death. I love the hell out of Bad Boys and Armageddon and Bad Boys 2, The Island and Transformers were good too. I had no desire to see Pearl Harbor or Transformers 2. Not really because of Michael Bay, just because they looked really lame.

Bad Boys is one of my favorite big city buddy cop movies, even surpassing Lethal Weapon. Not to mention having the great dark comedy duo that was Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. Bay, Smith and Lawrence came back for Bad Boys 2 some time later and I would have found the movie incredibly stupid if it wasn't so fucking crazy and hilarious, plus Bay works well with the action in these movies. I would definitely see Bad Boys 3. Just me, though.

Oh, but then Bay made his magnum opus: The Rock. Starring 90s action staple Nicholas Cage and former Jimmy Bond portrayer Sean Connery, as well as a wealth of great actors and a script treatment from Quentin Tarantino, The Rock is a goddamn action masterpiece that I love to death. I don't care what anyone says. It was a last action horrah for the elder Sean Connery, and he defined bad ass in that movie for those who have been misled by Chuck Norris and John Cena. The Rock for the world, yes I am saying that.

Then along came Armageddon, the disaster epic that probably gave the box office more money than a wall street stock broker. Again, this is a movie I loved despite it's technical flaws. It's awesome as hell. It didn't hurt to add just about every character actor I adore (they got Charlton Heston for god's sake). Sure it was flawed, but fuck it was a science fiction movie. I don't go to science fiction movies to find realism. I heart Armageddon.

Saw trailers for Pearl Harbor in a time when I was already bombarded with theatre viewings of military epics such as Black Hawk Down and We Were Soldiers, so I gave that the old skiperroo.

I was skeptical of The Island at first, but when I watched it I felt almost gut wrenched. Finally Michael Bay implores a pretty emotional, edgy and harrowing story somewhere within his junk yard of pointless action. Good performances, good story, good drama, good sci fi and good action.

Then I bared witness to Transformers, the live action movie of the popular toy and cartoon line from the 80s. My opinion: it was still a damn cartoon, but a cartoon I'd enjoy watching on a Saturday morning. He was obsessed with casting every Hollywood familiar face into a really cheesy script, showing a sweaty and of course skimpy Megan Fox running in slow motion and finding more ways for Shia Labouf to senselessly jabber "no, no, no!" on and on and on and on. And sure it was a fun pop corn movie that was best viewed in theatres. I was never really into Transformers, unlike Orson Welles and Stephen Spielberg who I suppose saw some potential with big alien robots disguised as cars. Seriously, for me the most likable thing about Transformers when I was a kid was the theme song: "Transformers, robots in disguise! Transformers, more than meets the eye!" It's pretty damn catchy.

I was a little intrigued by the trailer for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, even if I knew it would be the exact same story and a poor excuse for big action and sweaty and skimpy Megan Fox running in slow motion. I did not predict the reviews for the movie accurately. Instead of finding the movie stupid and pointless like I thought they would, people fucking HATED this movie and HATED Michael Bay for making it. Roger Ebert was forced to write a blog post about this movie and how historically terrible it was. After hearing about corny lines, rumours of racism and misogny, an overkill of cliches, and a excessive Michael Bayisms, I decided that in all likelyhood, watching Transformers 2 would be as fun, exciting, and make about as much sense as going to church (I apologize to the religious, of course I'm joking).

But for all of his flaws and repetitive attempts to cause seizures, I like the majority of Michael Bay's movies. If all I want to see is mostly big explosions and slow motioned gunfire, than I'll watch them. Or if I want to be entertained through and through with a story and characters I care about I will watch The Rock and Armageddon. If anything what I can't forgive Michael Bay for is not his action exploitations, but his producer credits of almost all of the recent remakes of classic horror films! Bay, you bastard! He's warping modern kids' minds and convincing them the raping of genuine scares are better than the originals. Thank Michael Bay for this bullshit that has plagued American movies for the past few years.

This has been a detailed summary of a pointless action tycoon from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.

EXPLOSIONS!!!