"Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it." - Salvador Dali
If Dali was alive, I'm sure he would say this to Heidi Montag, who as of late has become the wet dream of every form of modern plastic surgery. When all of this recent news came to light, I found myself wondering, just like I did about Kim Kardashian: just who the hell is Heidi Montag. Well apparently she's one of the god knows how many other annoying broads you'd find on The Hills, while also being a celebrity media personality and singer and was quite well known in these circles I guess.
Before she went all Bride of Frankenstein part 2, I found Montag to be a very attractive woman. Nevermind that she looked like my cousin, because frankly most hot women these days look like my cousin (damn you, God!) But seriously from the look of her presurgery I'd say she seemed very beautiful in a natural sort of way. So whereas most would agree she was almost physically flawless, Heidi completely disagreed and claimed she was postively flawed physically. With that the once normal and appealing (at least bodywise, unless they moved some brain tissue to her cheeks) Heidi Montag turned into the plastic and comic book caricture Heidi Montag. In her Billy Bush interview, when I got the first sight of her really, I felt as if Hugh Hefner himself would cringe at this woman. When The Girls Next Door resemble normal girls more than you, you know you went too far. If memory serves me right, Montag got breast implants going to a near F, her ears pinned back, her face completely destroyed and reshaped with rhinoplasty, fat filled into her cheeks, forehead and lips, and I think some bone removed from her lower back to support her breasts. Yeah, she didn't go over the top AT ALL=blatent sarcasm!
Now it is known that this chick has an addiction to plastic surgery (yahuh, no shit), but if that was just the case I might have forgiven her for this. But I was just appalled by her interview with the shocked Billy Bush. Heidi, who was moving her face as little as possible so as not to reenact the opening scene of Scanners, told Bush the details of her surgery and how she almost died in the process. According to her, she was a near cardiac arrest victim, being down to five breaths per minute. But you know what, Heidi thinks it was worth it. Heidi thinks her beauty, her freaky as hell beauty was worth dying for and that suffering massive swelling and bruises post surgery was worth it and that the public disgust at her vanity and horrid appearance was worth it. There's a good lesson to the kids: your life can be destroyed, but your looks must survive.
That wasn't even the best part though. The best part was how she tried to ignore her obvious plastic surgery addiction as much as possible, even if it meant contradicting herself completely (oh wait she didn't realize she was doing that). Montag claimed that the surgery was just as spiritual as it was physical. Oh yeah, church can be found in the plastic surgery clinics now. And by contradicting herself I meant that at one moment she claims that God creates us all perfect but then when questioned about her having surgery if that were case she says God "gave her a little extra." No honey, I think he'd just give it all upfront if that was what he had intended. And further distracting people from her addiction, she goes on to briefly talk about how much she appreciates the science behind plastic surgery. But then she obviously doesn't appreciate it enough by not listening to her accomplished surgeon and resting up and letting the surgery sink in. No, no, instead she goes off and flashes her shit all over the hills she has become so familiar with. The, the reaction was not that great and she was very irresponsible. Once again, contradicting one's self. It would seem perfection also matters enough that God and scientific research become your scapegoats?
It is also known that prior to her surgeries, Montag was at an arms length catfight with Brooke Hogan, another celebrity media personality and high maintenance bitch and the daughter of Hulk. During this test of one-ups-womanship, Montag and Hogan drew comparisons between their shitty records along with their careers and no doubt their looks. Now Brooke Hogan is fake as hell, that's a fact, but I find her massively attractive because there is still a great deal of humanity left. It is not unreasonable to believe that someone as vain and stupid as Heidi Montag would alter her whole body to one up Brooke Hogan. This didn't turn out well. Whether Montag was or was not trying to become physically more attractive than Hogan, she failed. And This is what we in the land of internet back and forths call EPIC FAIL! Bringing the big guns for this mother.
So all in all, what have I taken away from Heidi Montag's little moment in the limelight's shame section? Well personally I think it's fucking retarded in all aspects but hey that's just me. If you reader by some miracle believe this monstrosity was in the right feel free to tell me in the comment section below. This begs more than enough questions this fiasco does. Like whether or not natural beauty is something to be tampered with, or whether vanity is on the rise in a world where you can get almost anything you want or whether inner beauty is more important than physical beauty. I will give Montag some props though. 1, she has made better worse. 2, she has shed light on vanity's cruel mistreatment of modern science and medicine. And 3, she has more than likely baffled MacNamera and Troy from Nip/Tuck. I don't think even they'd have the balls to do something so unbelieveable.
This has been a look into Hollywood's gutter from Your Modest Guru. Thanks for reading.
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